Henry Speaks Out, Round 4: There’s a Hatchet In His Back Pocket

Jenny Sodapop was up until 5am organizing her china pig collection when she began to wonder: I would like to know if Henry has any thoughts on comedian Sinbad.

Is he still around, didn’t really care for him when he was.

Jessi assumes that Henry is hip to young people games and wants him to answer: “Kill, Marry or Screw” for Betty White, Wilford Brimley, and Clay Aiken.

Kill Clay of course, Screw Wilford and Marry Betty.

Jessa needs to know for her upcoming young adult novel: If Henry had wings, what would they look like?

Elegant of course, Angel-like.

And what did he want to be when he was little?

I don’t remember. Maybe that’s the problem with me today, no direction.

What was his favorite subject in school?

Shop class of course.

If he could live anywhere in the world, where would he choose?

Somewhere warm that was only accessible by bus, Erin would never come visit me.

Chuck, imagining this is a sleepover, asks: What’s the whole story of when you were first De Flowered?

Very uneventful.

[I imagine sex with a Petroleum jelly-filled crackhead’s palm often is. You know he totally cried about it afterward.]

And finally there’s Kara, who was the only one brave enough to name-drop Jonny Craig in her question: Henry is on Chopped and his basket ingredients are asparagus, cheddar cheese, gummy worms, and Jonny Craig’s pubes. What does he make?

What ever it makes, when you’re done eating you’ll be addicted to heroin and a douche bag for life.

Wait! One last thing from me, your favorite girlfriend. I request an essay on your adventures at the Ted Nugent show. I want to know it all! What did you wear? Your bitchin’ Adidas shirt? WHO DID YOU GO WITH AND DID YOU BANG THEM AFTERWARD? Tell us all of it.

You have made way too much about this concert, absolutely nothing exciting happened. I believe it was before my drug experimenting days so I’m sure nothing happened.

[Ed.Note: Henry and I totally broke up over this.]