Bill, Jessi and Tammy drove in from Detroit last Saturday afternoon; it was the first time we’ve seen each other since our Tennessee vacation last summer, so we were all beyond stoked! I thought it would be fun to take them to the Toonseum downtown, and to sweeten Jessi’s pot, we took the trolley. Jessi loves trolleys and I’ve been promising her a ride on ours for years now. (And no, that’s not an euphemism for me and Henry’s Siamese penis.)
Way to bang two town whore with one condom, I guess.
Laura came too because she has never done either of these things yet in her first year living in Pittsburgh. (The trolley and Toonseum, not town whores, although I don’t really know what she does on her own free time.)
The ride there was relatively anticlimactic, but at least it was dry, which is more than I can say for the shitty weather we were having that day. And of course, NONE OF MY UMBRELLAS WORKED, not even the one I got from The Law Firm, which rivals the wingspan of a pterodactyl.(A few weeks ago, I clotheslined myself with it while walking down the street when it wouldn’t fit between a wall and a telephone pole. Thank god there was an endless line of cars stuck at a red light when it happened; how wasteful if it had happened for no one to see.)
Awhile back, I was trying to coin the phrase “Erin’s Umbrella,” as in:
He couldn’t get his dick up — what an Erin’s Umbrella moment.
Seriously, all of my umbrellas are like limp dicks and I can’t stand it. Why is the average umbrella lifespan approximately 3 months once it’s in my possession?!
On this day, I was using an umbrella missing a handle, making it awkward to hold. Also, the actual umbrella part isn’t mounted onto the stick very securely, so it wobbles around precariously like a bobblehead, and also is prone to being blown inside out every 30 seconds.
I had to keep screaming for Laura to help me, but the way I was acting, you’d have thought it was the train of my wedding dress I needed her to fix.
The Toonseum is a nice little place to check out of you’re looking for something on the cheap side to do downtown, and have at least a mild interest in cartoons, which is where I fall. However, Bill owns a comic and gaming shop, so it was a no-brainer to take them there. Even with my limited knowledge of the genre, it was still really interesting and visually stimulating, plus the amount of time necessary to spend there was perfect for an almost 6-year-old. He didn’t even have a chance to fidget or break anything, but he did sniff out the bathroom immediately, so I can’t make any promises for what he did or didn’t do in that part of the gallery.
As if one window-creeping Henry wasn’t enough.
Afterward, we walked to Market Square for a late lunch at Moe’s. I was tempted to lead the way since Carey just taught me how to walk there a few weeks ago, but since our starting point wasn’t in the back of The Law Firm’s building, I was extremely disoriented. Plus, it was cold and raining, so I felt it would be best to follow the ex-SERVICE member.
This guy was on the trolley with us on the way back and I was not-so-silently hoping he would vomit on his boots. Henry thought he was probably high on heroin and then suggested he was probably friends with Jonny Craig.
Later that night, we all hung out at my house, watching Chooch and Bill play Wii Sports. Chooch kept getting pissed off because Bill wasn’t letting him win, so he would storm off and cry on the steps.
“God, he’s just like his mother,” Henry grumbled.
“No he’s not,” I said thoughtfully. “I would have broken something by now.”
Later, we put on the Music Choice 80s Hits channel and were serenaded by an angry shot of Phil Collins singing “Sussudio.” [THIS IS FORESHADOWING.]