Jul 232012
 

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The pet cemetery where Speck and Don are buried isn’t exactly conveniently located, but we try to get out there as much as we can with bouquets of flowers, because I just can’t bear the thought of them thinking we’ve forgotten them. And laying flowers on their graves really makes me feel a little bit more at peace.

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We have to go back up with a Sharpie because Speck’s name is wearing off her temporary grave marker. Next year, both burial plots will be ready for real, fancy plaques. (Henry is off somewhere as I type this, psychically cringing at the cost.)

I’ve always been obsessed with death. My pappap dying in ’96 really fucked me up good, as evidenced by the way my life spiraled and snowballed out of control after that, leading up to my eventual decision to drop out of high school. I spend more time in cemeteries than most people, even celebrating Christmas there every year, and I once strongly considered going into mortuary science. (I even toured the school and still think about doing this often.)

I know, it’s surprising I’m not Goth. But I never really felt the need to “look” the part, I guess.

Speck and Don dying five months apart from each other has really made me hit rock bottom. I’m even more obsessed with death and old funeral home paraphernalia and have been decorating our future home around this morbid fascination and also the old wheelchair thing, which seems to complement the other beautifully. I’ve been buying post-mortem pictures and old photos of handicapped people on eBay. I might be losing it, I don’t know, but it has been distracting me from how much I hate our current home and it’s been keeping me sort of calm, so Henry just keeps his mouth shut. There are just too many memories here and I want out. And somehow my subconscious has decided that my next house needs to be decorated with other people’s memories, if that makes sense.

I don’t really know what is happening.

  11 Responses to “Speck & Don”

  1. Death is very hard and affects us all differently. I have been really struggling myself since my cousin Matt died (4 months ago today).

  2. I have a somewhat odd fascination with death and pain, not so much in decorating my house it others’ memories, but just in knowing every little detail. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I am really sorry you had to lose two pets so close together; that’s too hard for me to even think about. After we had to put my dog down last year, I made Turbo (the devil cat) promise he would never die, ever.

    I hope you guys get into a new place, soon. Memories stick to places so fiercely, whether you want them to or not.

    • Thank you for always being there — your kind words, sympathy and advice have really helped me more than you know. It’s like, every time I think I’m OK, I’m really not. Not just yet, anyway.

      Going to their graves really does help. Yes, it makes me cry, but it also makes me feel good too, because I like to think that they know I’m there and that I haven’t forgotten about them. <3

      But it really has opened a lot of old wounds I got from my pappap's death, that's for sure.

  3. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better and to take the pain away. Just thinking about how close of a time frame you lost your babies makes my heart break, I can’t even imagine what it’s doing to yours. I hope the pain lessens. I’m glad that you have somewhere to go to see them and maybe in someway feel close to them again.

  4. I think there are a lot of ways to deal with grief. And if buying wheelchair and handicapped pictures helps you deal with the loss of Speck and Don, buy away. It’s okay.

  5. grieving is such a weird thing… everyone does it quite differently.

    and the loss of a person who was important to you can be very hard to get over… honestly, i don’t know that those of us left behind really ever get over the loss. it’s like we go through the motions of life because we are expected to. everyone tells us we have to keep living… pft, easier said than done…

    i have had a very difficult time with death in the past. not that it is something you’d be interested in, but Buddhist philosophy is what really helped me. understanding and accepting the birth death cycle… understanding about attachment to people and things…

    okay, i’m rambling…

    grieving is such a unique thing… i hope that you find your way through that tunnel and come out with some healing

    • Oh Sherri, this meant a lot.

      That saying “life is for the living” always bothered me and it kind of insulted me when people would say it to me after I had been supposedly mourning too long. I get it, we have to continue on with our days, but everyone heals differently, and at different speeds.

      Thank you for understanding.

      I think actually knowing more about birth cycles probably would give me hope and peace.

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