Lately, the only time I have had to blog is on my breaks at work. So sometimes, like my last post about the Magic Mob, I spend all week writing tiny chunks of it until I finally get it all out. I rarely go back and re-read my posts right after I post them (usually it’s a year later; it’s this weird thing about me) so I can only imagine how disjointed and jarbled things must come across. Even more of a typographical shitstorm than usual!
And it has been KILLING me. I love to blog. I have been doing it since 2001 and no matter how often I whine about barely getting comments or feeling like no one is reading this garbage, the bottom line really is that I do this for myself. It is a virtual timeline of my life, and of Henry’s and Chooch’s and all of my friends, too. (Poor guys.) Sometimes I think about how great it will be for Chooch, as an adult, to have this written collection of his childhood to show his wife (or husband! we don’t discriminate at OH,E) and his children.
In my hand-written journals, it is so easy for me to write “We went to Kennywood and it was fun” and then spend the next eight pages obsessing over and dissecting my weight/appearance and my disgusting infatuation with Jonny Craig or how much I hate/love Christina. Because that is what my paper journals are for: to purge my inner Angela Chase. But my blog is the dumping ground for the minutia — what rides did we go on? what made Chooch throw a fit? what did Henry do to ruin the day?
These are the things I want to be able to go back on and remember when I’m 70 years old and unable to ride things at amusement parks & am now sitting in my wheelchair collection because I physically need to, not because they’re cool.
Or when I’m looking for evidence in a fight with Henry.
And sometimes I just post some Hipstamatic pictures or a YouTube video of my current favorite song, and maybe that might not be as “high-quality” as some of the other more well-thought out pieces on here (ha-ha, as if!), but it is MY life, and anything that fills this blog is something that must matter to me. But lately, I am only blogging at work (and my own time, not company time!) and on my phone. I’ve blogged from the car (as a passenger!) and in the trolley. Today is the first time in months that I have actually sat down at the computer at home to knock something out. Because I am so sick of sitting in front of computers!
There have been a million times when I have declared, “I’M DONE! I’M NEVER BLOGGING AGAIN!” because it gets to me sometimes, you know? Like after I go somewhere (eg. The Bayernhof) and there is so much information ricocheting in my head that I know it’s going to take up more than just one post, and I keep putting it off, because the very idea of sitting down to tap it out makes me feel so exhausted. And I feel so much pressure, not because I suspect that anyone out there is sitting on the edge of their seat, waiting for Oh Honestly, Erin to blog about music boxes, but because I feel like if I don’t get it out of my head, I WILL FUCKING PERISH.
I even once deleted my LiveJournal because I couldn’t take it anymore. I think I actually had some kind of nervous breakdown and it was pretty scary. When I made the leap from LiveJournal to my own domain in 2007, my old LJ friends were pissed. I got a lot of criticism because I started writing short stories and referring to Henry by his real name, and not the stupid LJ nickname I had given him. I started writing things with more honesty and not like a fucking cartoon script. I started to let people see the real me, the real Henry, and what life was really like and I lost a lot of readers for that. But if there is one piece of advice I can give new bloggers out there, it’s to write what YOU want. Don’t compromise yourself. And don’t quit just because you haven’t amassed some huge Internet following — it just means you probably aren’t a sell-out.
And even if no one was reading this, which at times feels like the truth, I would still keep posting nearly everyday, because honestly it is something that I not only feel like I HAVE to do, it’s what I WANT to do. And to not have as much time to give it my all anymore is driving me fucking crazy.