A woman bid on and won a Cupcake Couple painting that I had donated to an animal shelter charity auction, and ended up liking it enough to ask me to paint a cupcake family portrait for her mom. It was really fun to paint but nerve-racking, because hello – it’s a Christmas present for her mom. She hasn’t seen it yet and I’m freaking out that she won’t like it.
But still, my first family portrait.
Speaking of Christmas, I dragged Janna along to Toys R Us with me yesterday so I could get in some shopping for Chooch. Is it just me or does it seem like there’s not much to choose from anymore? There were only two or three things that really grabbed me, and everything else was little inexpensive stuff that we would get him for no reason other than he’s Chooch and hasn’t killed us today. (He didn’t make us bleed and only called me an asshole five times today! Stuff an apple in a pig, this calls for a feast!)
I don’t really know what I was looking for – a Willy Wonka-for-sale to turn ordinary household objects into sugared bliss? A real life Beetlejuice? A portable life-sized circus complete with elephants and ring toss (and a hot bearded lady for mommy)? Maybe my standards are too high. But I’ll tell you one thing – these educational “toys” are taking over. All that Leap Frog shit, Discovery Channel schlock. What’s THAT about? I don’t want to LEARN while I’m playing! I want to be starting (pretend) fires (OK fine, I want real flames) and force GI Joes into the inferno to rescue my satchel of benzos, and then I want to sit back and laugh as I watch their frames drip and melt into a viscous mound of molten carnage. And then I want to sprinkle glitter on that shit.
Bring back fucking Micromachines, man. Sweet Secrets, those were the shit.I will admit that my eyes get all alit when I carouse the crafty aisle.
All those jewelry kits! I could make crappy rings to shill on Etsy just like an ex-friend of mine does!
I lost Janna for awhile in the Barbie section and then I caught her donning a Hannah Montana wig, but in the end, we managed to get to the register without sucking on anyone’s elbow.
Toys R Us is less magical, more sterile. I’m writing a letter to corporate.
They need to have leprechauns walking around with trays of cupcakes that make you float upon swallowing. Have a unicorn grazing on sugared grass in aisle five. MAKE IT MAGICAL FOR ME, ASSHOLES. At least make it look less like a warehouse, shit. Fuck you, Toys R Us. You could at least give me a shitty balloon for stopping by.
I’m just not looking forward to it this year. I mean, I’m not like pouting about it or anything pansy like that. I just haven’t taken any Yuletide Spirit pills this year, is all. We still don’t have a Christmas tree. Last night, Chooch was asking me where his presents were because he knew that me and Santa had gone out shopping for him yesterday. I started to say, “Well, Santa still has to wrap them and put them under the—-” I paused to shoot Henry a scowl and wished I could halve his head like Silar on Heroes.
“—on the…floor? Yeah, on the floor I guess. Over in that corner there. We’ll just have to sweep up the cat fur first.”
And I don’t think we’re doing anything with either side of the family. His sister always seems to forget I exist, and obviously I’m still not speaking to my mom. So I guess if the weather allows, we’ll go to a cemetery where we will frolick among bones and pretend like it’s not Christmas. Until I start whining that Henry didn’t get me a My Little Pony.
There’s a song by Some By Sea called The Saddest Christmas. I will probably be listening to that a lot. Oh, ho ho ho!