Sep 192013

You know how sometimes I might become, oh I don’t know, obsessed with things? Usually never anything that is commonly obsessed over, like One Direction or twerking, but little things like strange fruit and wheelchairs? Well, it happened again you guys. Yesterday I was able to finally admit out loud that I am obsessed with my trolley driver. Maybe even in fake-love with him

He’s wearing a bandanna today! I texted Henry when I sat down on the trolley.

What does it look like? Henry replied, because he likes to encourage these things. And is also apparently trying to dump me.

I was totally excited about this bandanna thing for most of my trip to work, because I had never seen him wearing a bandanna before! I wonder if he was trying to impress me!? So I sat there and chuckled quietly along to all of his happy honkings, until we reached the First Avenue platform.

I hate this platform because this is where his other broad is often standing and he gets all happy to see her. Thankfully, she never actually gets on the trolley. But I can’t figure out why. All of the trolleys go to the same destination at that point, so it’s not like the one after ours is going to take her someplace different. What if she is just pretending to be waiting just so she can see Trolley Driver? MY Trolley Driver!

Usually Trolley Driver will open the door and they will shout cutesy phrases to each other and she will laugh and gloat, like, “Look at me, the one he loves the most!” and I sit there in my dirty trolley seat, stewing in hobo filth and jealousy.

My fake crush has made me fake jealous. What the fuck, you guys.

Yesterday, my bandanna-orgasm was cut short by the presence of Other Woman, now forever known as Bitch Face. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she was there at all, standing in all of her public transportation skankiness (those cardigans aren’t fooling anyone, you trolley tramp), Trolley Driver actually removed his person from the trolley in order to cajole with her on the platform. This was 100% not OK. I’m also pretty sure his BOSS would have the same opinion of the matter. I could report him! But I am too in love with him to do that. Although, at one time I was also “too in love” with Henry, and just look at all the shit I’ve done to THAT chump, wouldya.

Still, I took a picture so that when I stomped into work and put Trolley Driver on blast, at least I would have visual proof to illustrate this disgusting tryst to all of my non-caring co-workers.



I’m off tomorrow and am strongly considering standing around on the platform, but not getting on, just to see if the Rail System Romeo makes any untoward advances on me like he does her. I mean, he did stop me on the sidewalk that one time when he was off-duty, but I need to know who he likes more. I ran this idea past some of my work friends, and most of them shook their heads and murmured, “No. Not a good idea.” Except for Nate. He was on board with this.

But then last night, Henry proposed that I board the trolley that arrives right before the one I normally take, and then I should GET OFF at the First Avenue platform and STAND RIGHT NEXT TO BITCH FACE. Make your choice, Port Authority Player!

This seemed like a great way to spend my day off, but then today, there was some broad driving my usual trolley so now I’m wondering if he really did get in trouble for leaving his post?!

But then some guy boarded the trolley with his stroller-bound toddler, pulled out a composition note and proceeded to frantically scribble. So I fixated on him mostly, until I saw Bitch Face look up from her phone as our trolley screeched to a halt at her platform, and then I smiled smugly when I saw the look of disappointment on her stupid bitch face when she realized it wasn’t Trolley Tease. BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY GOT HIM FIRED, BITCH FACE.

Meanwhile, Kevin Spacey’s character from “Seven” was totally ignoring his kid, whom he had deposited behind his seat and into the accordianed area that connects the two trolleys, and just furiously thought-jotting away.


There was this weird moment right after I took his picture when I wondered if he was writing about the stupid white sweater-wearing bitch taking pictures of him on the trolley. God, I hope so.

I guess at this point, I should probably just make an entire blog category for the trolley.

  3 Responses to “Fake Heart Break”

  1. Bitch Face obviously doesn’t love him that much. I mean, she probably got him fired, and who would do that to someone they love? What a whore.

  2. I can’t stop laughing at everything. EVERYTHING. Rail System Romeo!! The bandana!

    I also really loved it when you were obsessed with Jimmy the pizza guy.

    That notebook disturbs me, as a handwriting analyzer.

  3. These are a great read my dear Erin.

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