Sep 232013
 

Henry bought these big ass motherwhompin’ Fuji apples and at first I was like, “Fuck yeah, big ass apple!” But then once I brought it to work, I soon realized that there was no way this morbidly obese fruit was fitting in no goddamn apple corer.

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Bitch, please.

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It’s like the size of a baby’s head. And probably just as juicy. Mmm, soft spots.

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Here it is next to a Homie for perspective.

So earlier today, I approached Gayle. And in my sweetest voice and best innocent visage, I cued up the violin music and dove into my sob story.

“Yes, I’ll cut your apple for you,” Gayle interrupted after about 5 seconds. I guess it was pretty obvious where my tale of woe was going.

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I met her later on in the kitchen and watched her use A BIG KNIFE to lobotomize my mutant fruit. Our boss walked by on her way out of the office and kind of looked at us funny.

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“My apple was too big for the corer, so Gayle is cutting it for me,” I explained with a shrug.

“And do we really want Erin handling a knife?

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” Gayle added. This seemed to satiate the boss’s curiosity.

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Thank you for your heroics, Gayle!!

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The slices couldn’t even fit all the way into my huuuuuge mouth! THAT IS HOW BIG THIS DAMN APPLE WAS.

It was such a delicious apple! Although, every time I jammed a piece into my mouth, I tried to remain blissfully ignorant to what sort of science made my apple so gigantor in the first place. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.

  3 Responses to “The Elephantine Apple: A Photo Essay”

  1. You are more than welcome!!! Yup, that was one big-assed apple!!!
    You know we love our ERINKELLY!!!! (one word)

  2. Yay Gayle! That apple is a big mother, isn’t it?

Say it don't spray it.

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