It’s that time of year! Whether you like it or not, you’re probably already having the yuletide shoved in your mouth like an unwashed weener, son. Perhaps some serial killer Christmas cards will make the season more palatable? Or not. I’m proud to say that I’m up to 17 different holiday card designs this year! I bet my deceased grandma is also super proud that her only granddaughter has accomplished so much….in the serial killer greeting card industry.
For those who are new around here, I started making these cards as a joke in 2006 when a Christmas Card exchange was going around LiveJournal. I wanted to participate too because I love getting mail, but I couldn’t bear to buy boxes of some shitty Thomas Kinkaide-inspired Christmas card. I guess a normal person who had just given birth to her first child that year would have just sent out photo-cards with said child’s mug plastered on it. But c’mon. That’s not who I am. So I got the idea to make tongue-in-cheek serial killer cards, not because I’m a “fan” of serial killers or condone violence (well….it has its time and place), but because I wanted to do something that would shock my unsuspecting friends when they withdrew my card from its envelope. And the response was fantastic! Even from my straighter-laced friends! So I decided to polish the cards up a bit (the originals were handmade—LITERALLY; I cut and pasted all of the faces onto folded pieces of cardstock and then handwrote everything in silver gel pens) and threw some up on Etsy just to see what would happen. Seven years and (only!) two “HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT!?!?” Etsy convos later, Henry and I are still chugging along and have even expanded our line. Granted, it’s very niche and not very lucrative, but it’s fun to provide people as twisted as myself with an alternative to all of that Hallmark garbage. And I even got to make someone serial killer vow renewal invitations!
And now I’m going to take a few minutes of your time now to pimp out some of the newest cards in the series. The first two were new for the 2012 season, and the last one was made just this morning.
Need a date to your office holiday party and have no idea how you’re going to ask that vagabond who’s been popping a squat behind the hardware shop for the last 4 months, drinking dog urine out of an old tin can of baked beans?
Might you consider utilizing the wily charm of Aileen Wuornos to do the deed for you.
Or maybe you’re looking to spread holiday cheer to that whore at the DMV who made you look like a triple-chinned stroke victim who lost a battle with electricity in your last drivers license photo.
Measures approx. 5X7″; comes with an envelope – we keep it classy over here.
He only meant for it to be a good old burglary. Goddammit.
Remind your friends and family how smokin’ hot nurses were back in the ’60s. Maybe they’ll get you a pinup calendar.
Comes with an envelope, which can then be used as a nurse’s cap.
When Carl Panzram was 14, he was gang-raped by a group of hobos. He then grew up to murder 21 people and sodomize 1000s of men. Hell hath no fury like a man violated by hobos.
Give this card to your favorite person to let them know that this is not the future you want for them. It’s a really sweet card when you think about it!
This card comes with an envelope, which you can either use to mail the card in or light it on fire a la Mr. Panzram, who also dabbled in arson.
And if these names aren’t in your wheelhouse, I’ve got a slew of other big-namers over at non compos cards, like Manson, Bundy, Dahmer…and don’t forget to check out the Valentines, too!
Readers of this blog can enjoy a 20% discount too by entering “ohhonestlyerin” in the coupon code box at checkout. Good until 12-5-13! Pass it on!