Dec 202013
 
  • You would think today was Christmas Eve by the complete lack of interest everyone has in their work. (I mean, even moreso than usual.) Earlier, I listened to my office-neighbor Patrick watch vintage Japanese video game commercials on YouTube and then spend fifteen minutes obsessing over the name Fronia, which means “gentle” in case you were considering using that on your next goldfish. Both of these tangents were somehow perpetuated by Nate, so thank you for today’s entertainment. All of this was after Nate and Patrick had a heated dispute over the office heating system.
    • While I was writing this, I couldn’t remember the name “Fronia” but thank god Nate is still here so I went over and made him stop doing actual work. “Is this for the blog?” he asked, and then after I shook my head affimatively, he said, “Well then it’s important.” Nate Knows. (Knate Knows?)
  • We finally got our Christmas tree last night.
  • Henry and I had lots of fights in the last week!!
    • First, we fought because I was enraged at how poorly monitored the sidewalks have been during all this hazardous weather we’ve been having. Every day last week, Chooch and I practically ice-skated to school because dumb motherfuckers don’t know how to sprinkle salt on their dumb sidewalks. EVEN ERIN RACHELLE KELLY KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT! The one day it was REALLY BAD, so bad that I nearly turned around and took Chooch home. I saw numerous kids fall! I almost fell! On my way home, some mom had to take my hand and help me step off the curb that was coated in slick, solid ice and onto the street. I came home and screamed to Henry about it and he calmly said, “Well, people have 24 hours after it storms to shovel.” I countered with the fact that it had been like this for days and he was all, “Well, that’s because it keeps snowing, melting and then freezing.” LIKE IT AIN’T NO THANG. Oh, that’s because HE doesn’t have to walk—EVER. “I hope I break my face open,” I threatened. “And then I’m going to sue Brookline. No, I’m going to sue the entire city of Pittsburgh!” And Henry was all, “Good luck, you can’t sue them. It’s the home owners.” So I said I would sue the homeowner and he was all, “Good luck, they have 24 hours to shovel.” GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR LAW KNOWLEDGE! I need to look into this, I think. Maybe there’s a lawyer here at the Law Firm that specializes in sidewalk maintenance ordinances.
      • THAT IS ALL ICE IN THAT PICTURE BELOW!! This particular stretch of pedestrian property belongs to some Yinzer sloth who sits on her front porch every morning slurping coffee out of her Stillers mug, sucking on a Newport, and BARKING DRAMA INTO HER PHONE. She was sitting there when I took this picture too and she can fuck right off, hopefully on her ass while sliding down her icy sidewalk. Yinzer cunt.
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    • Then Saturday morning we had a fight because I said Katy Perry sings like someone with Down Syndrome, because I’m sorry, but she’s terrible. AND I DON’T HATE POP MUSIC SO DON’T GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT HOW I’M A BEING A MUSIC SNOB. I like Lady Gaga and Ke$ha just fine. I just have very strong opinions about Katy Perry and I’m, to this day, baffled at how she was able to dupe the music industry. “That’s really mean,” Henry argued, appalled that I could make such comparisons. “Yeah, I know,” I shouted. “MEAN AGAINST ALL OF THE DOWN SYNDROME PEOPLE!” And for that I am deeply sorry’ I shouldn’t have said that. I should have said Bobcat Goldthwait instead. Did you know I’ve heard Katy Perry sing live before? It’s true. She was, for some fucked up reason, at Warped Tour in 2008 and we happened to be walking past the stage she was “performing” on and she sounded like the time Henry accidentally stepped on Marcy’s tail.
    • Our last big argument was Saturday night when I put on some fucked up TV show called Buying Alaska, which follows several idiots around that disgusting state of ALASKA while they look at sickening cabins in varying degrees of repulsion with gratuitous shots of blood-curdling GLACIERS and it only took about 2 seconds before I was screaming at the TV, and then of course Henry had to defend Alaska because he can never just be on my side. Here’s a tip: try buying a house in a state that’s not hideous.
    • I had to go to Chooch’s Christmas concert on Wednesday morning (haha, I “had” to go; I’m such a fantastic mom) and it was, you know, a Christmas concert. With kids. I prayed for the gods to take me peacefully. The music teacher at that school is so self-aggrandizing, like he’s conducting down at Heinz Hall and not at some city elementary school. And then he kept reminding us that it was a LIVE SHOW, in case some of us thought it was DVRd. So when some band kid needed his violin tuned, the music teacher was all, “HAHA what did I tell you? THIS IS A LIVE SHOW!” like we’re sitting in NBC Studios watching Carrie Underwood do that Sound of Music thing and he proceeds to explain to us the art of tuning a violin and like, no one gives a shit about your anecdotal interludes. We want to see our kids sing and then go the fuck home. And thank god they don’t perform in order, else I wouldn’t have had the chance to watch 10% of the 5th graders sing “Feliz Navidad” while the rest of them stood there stewing in racism. Finally, the second graders came out and sang “Jingle Bells” and Chooch fucking cracked up the whole time. I found out later that it was because his cougar girlfriend from last year had returned and was throwing him horns from the front row.
  • Also on Wednesday, I was leaving the house to walk to the trolley stop when I realized that I shut the door behind me without grabbing the housekey. Which is no big deal usually, because it’s not like I ever come home from work to an empty house. But the problem was that I was fairly certain that I didn’t have any money on my trolley card thingie and my wallet was in my other purse in the house so I had no way of either adding money to my card or taking money out from the ATM and paying the old fashioned way. I had no way of knowing for sure though until I got to the trolley stop and checked my card balance on the fare machine thingie, and it was as I suspected: $0. Henry was like an hour away so that wasn’t an option. So then I attempted to panhandle which was a terrible idea and people were actually turning their backs to pretend that I didn’t exist, as if it wasn’t already awkward enough for me to have swallow my pride and ask for change. One old man was a total asshole to me and said in a super rude and condescending tone, “I don’t understand what you’re asking me.” So I explained to him one more time, while holding up my trolley fare card thing, that my balance was ZERO and that I didn’t have my WALLET on me and he just shook his head and laughed without mirth, like this generation gap is just so confusing to him and I’m probably actually asking him for the last $2.50 I need to finally be able to buy that crack rock on my Amazon wish list. Kids these days, blah blah blah. WELL I’M SORRY IF I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CUP TO SHAKE IN YOUR FACE, YOU GERIATRIC ASSHOLE. I hope your family puts you in a fucking home for Christmas. Anyway, SUPPOSEDLY no one around had any change, so I shuffled away from the trolley platform (one guy wished me luck at least), and then literally froze on the sidewalk. Because that’s how I handle things: I panic and shut down. Instead of calmly thinking of a plan B, I go straight to Plan STAND HERE AND THEN DIE. The worst part was that I had this big bag full of all the Secret Santa stuff that I was so excited for, and now I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to get to work! I was ready to call my boss Joy and tell her that I couldn’t pay for the trolley and therefor would be roaming around Dormont until Henry was done with work. But then I remembered that I know other people! So I called Janna and she was thankfully home and able to come pick me up and take me to work, THANK YOU JANNA OMG. But still, I totally lost it and openly wept as I walked back to my house to wait for her outside of the front door I was unable to unlock. I promise you that a lot of people witnessed this, so that was terrific. Then I got to go to work and act like I hadn’t just come in off the street after weeping like a crazy lady.
  • Earlier, Chris and I had our hands held by Santa. Our work friend Lauren was asking us about it and at the same time Chris said it was creepy, I was saying that it was tender. Because tender is a word that I don’t get to say very often, and I will now always equate it with the comforting caress of Santa’s softly-gloved hands.
  • I hope Jeff Gutt is OK. #ThingsIWouldHaveSaidIfILiveBloggedTheXFactorFinale
  • Carlito’s Eulogy. #ThingsIWouldHaveSaidIfILiveBloggedTheXFactorFinale
  • STFU Mario Lopez. #ThingsIWouldHaveSaidIfILiveBloggedTheXFactorFinale
  • Thank god I DVRd this so I can fast forward through Lea Michele. And Pitbull. And One Direction. And the last half of this weird Leona Lewis Christmas song. #ThingsIWouldHaveSaidIfILiveBloggedTheXFactorFinale
  • Why not just rename the show The Honda X Factor? #ThingsIWouldHaveSaidIfILiveBloggedTheXFactorFinale #AggressiveProductPlacement
  • Had a talk yesterday with Sue and it looks like I might get to work on a fun little project where I actually get to be creative instead of telling people they’re not pushing the right button, which seems like all I do here anymore. So, fingers crossed on that.
  • Last night when I was leaving work, some man approached me and asked me if I could spare fifty cents so he could get on the bus. I knew I didn’t have any change on me, but I told him to wait there and then I ran to where Henry was parked and started digging through the console until I had a fistful of nickels and dimes. “What are you doing!?” Henry asked me in that annoying squeal he gets when I’m doing something he doesn’t like. So I told him that man needed change and then Henry was even more annoyed and I stopped dead and hissed, “I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE, OK!?” God, fuck you, Henry. Like he would know anything about what people like us go through everyday!
  • Found my wallet in my huge fucking hobo purse later on Wednesday evening, so you know…turns out that whole panhandling incident didn’t need to happen. Um, but at least it gave Janna a chance to show for the millionth time what a great friend she is?
  • If there’s one thing this whole Duck Dynasty fiasco has taught me, it’s that I’m friends with A LOT of radical homophobes on Facebook. I’ve been on a “hide from timeline” frenzy.
  • In approximately 30 minutes, I’m done with work until next Thursday so I guess I better start getting into Christmas mode. We still haven’t really done any shopping! And we’re having a Christmas Eve party! I AM SO UNMOTIVATED SUDDENLY.

  4 Responses to “Frenetic Friday Update”

  1. I love your week recap posts. Assholes who don’t sand their sidewalks, where do I begin? I can’t count the number of times in Cambridge I would fall on my way to the train because my broke grad-school, 3 job ass couldn’t afford proper snow boots and I would rip my $19.99 work “dress pants” (with a Scotch tape hem job, I might add). To make matters worse, my Gap wool coat with matching itchy wool scarf didn’t keep me warm so my face would throb for 30 min as I’d sit in my cubicle and shake until my cheeks defrosted as my nose ran. Sexy.
    Remind me to tell you about Kelly the girl with Down’s who was the daughter of my parents snooty friends who would beat the living shit out of me when the adults weren’t looking. Wait…I just did. The adults would blame ME because somehow I enraged her. WTF. But the icing on the Kelly cake was when she clubbed me with a Barbie doll repeatedly until I begged for mercy, somehow escaped her wrath and hid in the linen closet. Scarred for life. I still can’t bring myself to buy Naomi a Barbie even though they are on her Holiday Wish List.

  2. actually, lawsuits about sidewalks is something I know a lot about.
    The homeowner has primary liability, but the city still has secondary liability. That means at least there is gonna (in theory) be some motivation from the city to respond if you make a complaint.

    Henry’s right about the city ordinance saying you have 24 hours to clean up, but a homeowner can’t hide behind that and say they never have to clean because it’s storm after storm after storm. There’s a whole hills-and-ridges doctrine that is really technical and boring, but basically, from the looks of that picture, if you slipped and fell and got hurt, I think you would have grounds to sue.

    So my vote is that Henry only got it partially right on that one. And partially right means wrong.

    You should lodge a complaint with 311 http://pittsburghpa.gov/311/form
    And then the city (in theory) will get on this lady about cleaning up her sidewalks. See, you don’t even have to deal with her directly.

  3. Why I am laughing in my office right now:

    “All of this was after Nate and Patrick had a heated dispute over the office heating system.”

    I must hear of this someday. And I hope it was about whether or not the office used forced hot water or hot air.

    “Maybe there’s a lawyer here at the Law Firm that specializes in sidewalk maintenance ordinances.”

    I was really counting on Henry for this. Moss, Pittsburgh city policy, come on.

    Also, Katy Perry is horrible in my life. HORRIBLE.

    “And then he kept reminding us that it was a LIVE SHOW, in case some of us thought it was DVRd. So when some band kid needed his violin tuned, the music teacher was all, “HAHA what did I tell you? THIS IS A LIVE SHOW!”

    I just pictured a middle aged jovial voice saying that and am thinking about watching a DVR’d Christmas concert and losing it more.

    “Henry asked me in that annoying squeal he gets when I’m doing something he doesn’t like. So I told him that man needed change and then Henry was even more annoyed and I stopped dead and hissed, “I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE, OK!?” God, fuck you, Henry. Like he would know anything about what people like us go through everyday!”

    *crying*

  4. Ugh, Katy Perry. I think she started out as a joke and then when she realized no one was getting it, she just rolled with it and starting making a shit-ton of music which people then listen to on repeat for three months or longer if I’m around.

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