- Henry said something kind of sweet to me today! I had just finished the most recent episode of Warped Roadies (it’s about Warped Tour roadies, you guys, in case you couldn’t tell) and it was heartbreaking. They do this thing called Living the Dream where they bring a terminally ill kid to Warped Tour and give them the VIP treatment. Kind of like an alternative Make a Wish, I guess. Anyway, this 29-year-old girl with some type of Stage 5 cancer just wanted to go to one last Warped Tour, so it was arranged that she and her husband were going to go and get to hang out with her favorite band The Summer Set (Chooch’s #2 band!), but then she FUCKING DIED a few days before it came to her town, UGH WTF IS THIS WORLD WE LIVE IN, I HATE YOU. Her husband decided that he would still go, just to honor her wish, and Henry said he would have done the same thing! As long as a Jonny Craig meet n’ greet wasn’t included, which I think is reasonable. Can you imagine, Henry going to Warped Tour even if I was dead? That would be the ultimate symbol of his unwavering devotion. So today, I like Henry.
- I also just finished reading “The Fault In Our Stars” so I’m really on a FUCK CANCER kick lately.
- You know how that man got shot and killed at the movie theater the other day all because he was texting his kid? That scares the fucking shit out of me. That is why when there is a disgusting asshole who is sitting behind me on the trolley, performing a snot symphony with his nose, I choose to clench my teeth and stare out the window, looking for Jonny Craig’s face in a cloud to grant me serenity. And then when people gasp and say, “That’s unacceptable, I would have punched him in the face, why didn’t you punch him in the face?” I just laugh. Because my luck, he would go from expelling snot at my head to expelling a bullet at my head. And even though I complain about my face a lot, I think I would hate it even more if it was completely blown off. I think about all of the times in the past I’ve run my mouth in public, like the time I got in a heated verbal altercation with some drunk asshole at the House of Blues in Cleveland; I think about the time in the high school when Janna pleaded with me to stop shouting at people from the car because I was going to get my head shot off (it’s on video, these exact words), and how fucking lucky I am that nothing ever escalated to the point of a weapon being drawn. So I will continue to sit quietly and be submissive in this fucked up world of guns and knee-jerk violence.
- Chooch and I have gotten stuck walking to school with a neighbor-kid, and it’s not that I don’t like neighbor-kid except that I don’t like neighbor-kid. Mostly because he’s a kid. Anyway, it’s just annoying because I know that his parents couldn’t be arsed to walk MY kid to school if I needed them to, but whatever. Instead of talking to them about it—because again: this is how people get their faces shot off—Chooch and I decided that we would just do the mature thing and attempt to dodge him. Some mornings it works. Some, not so much. I think he watches us from his window with binoculars. The other day, we avoided him, but on my way back, I happened to see him walking with his dad; they were still a few blocks away, so I once again did the mature thing and turned down another road so I wouldn’t have to walk past them. I figured I would just loop around and get back on the main road again after they had already passed, except what I didn’t account for was the fact that the roads get all weird and intersect-y back there so it took me kind of a long time to make my way back around, running in the rain under a heavy umbrella while panting a play-by-play to Henry over the phone to his canned responses of, “You’re an asshole. You’re retarded. You’re an idiot. Good for you.” Anyway, by the time I made it back around to the main road, I thought for sure that the dad would be on his way back from the school so I skidded to a halt at the corner of the sidewalk and peered to my right to see if he was coming. I was in the clear! But exactly as I went to turn left onto the main street, I noticed that HE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I didn’t want to walk the rest of the way home behind him, because his house comes before mine so he would see me when he turned down his sidewalk, so I turned back onto the street I came off on and walked a ridiculously long way home along the street behind our houses just so I wouldn’t have to run into him. It was completely stupid. Yet extremely satisfying. Because, VICTORY.
- Yesterday, we got busted and had to walk with neighbor-kid, who started a pissing match with me over who has seen more horror movies and I was like, “ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS RIGHT NOW OK FINE!” Chooch just kept sighing sadly by my side, but I couldn’t stop until I got in the last dig, you guys. You know me. I just couldn’t stop. Finally, n-k was like, “Well, have you seen Hex on Syfy?” and I said YES EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO. I don’t even know what Hex is. Is it even a real thing? I was so stressed out after this. Oh and now suddenly he watches The Walking Dead but last time Chooch asked him he said no and this time he was like, “I’ve been watching it since it started” and I bet he doesn’t even understand it. UGH KIDS.
- Today, I was going to pretend like I broke my pelvis just to see if his dad would walk them both for once, like I was going to roll myself down the porch steps and see if the parents would even notice, but Chooch was like, “Let’s just go, please, this is bullshit who cares.” Anyway, n-k’s dad was outside letting his dog pee, and I thought we were in the clear because n-k was nowhere around, like maybe his mom had actually walked him or something or he had fallen ill with Lyingabouthorrormoviesitis. But then the dad turned his head up the street and screamed, “HEY [KID’S NAME]! COME BACK! THEY’RE RIGHT HERE!” and that is how I found out that he was going to walk to school alone so now I have mom-guilt. And then the dad thanked me profusely and was all, “He just loves walking with you guys!” Obviously because I’m awesome and kids fucking love me. So I was sort of nice to him this morning, because like my Voice of Reason (aka Henry) said: You don’t know what his home life is like. You wouldn’t want someone to ditch YOUR kid.
- Ugh, Henry is totally right.
- This is the shit no one warns you about before you become a parent.
- Just be nice, Erin.
- And I was nice today, I swear. I even helped him tie his dumb shoe.
- What a fantastic example I’m setting for my kid. (“We are not taking applicants for our hifalutin’ Walking 2 Skool Club!” God, I’m such a fuckhead.)
- Besides, we’re all walking to the same place, anyway right? Sigh.
- Another totally fucked up local murder/suicide happened, which inspired a dialogue between Henry and me, which is crazy because usually we only communicate via Post-It Notes and lines in the dirt. I was saying that I couldn’t imagine doing something like that so permanent, knowing I was leaving kids behind. “Chooch is the only reason I would never murder you,” I told Henry and he was all, “Oh wow. Thanks Chooch, I guess. Nice to know that’s the only reason.” And then I got scared because what if Henry gets some gnarly brain tumor, the kind that makes a docile person do things that leaves neighbors saying to the newspaper, “But he was such a nice, quiet man.” And then this tumor makes Henry snap and kill me?! I mean come on: it would have to be a tumor, and not the fact that I pushed him over the motherfucking edge with my Chinese water torture-like brand of emasculation and staunch refusal to let the man sleep.
Let’s end this depressing post on a good note with a picture of some dino ring holders I made last night while watching the Penguins beat the Crapitals:
(I mean, I feel like these are pretty self-explanatory, but there are tutorials all over the DIY blogosphere if anyone is inclined to make their own. If I can do them 100% on my own, so can your blind cat.)