Christlike Crushes
It was a mild Sunday evening when Henry and I decided to take the kid for a leisurely after dinner stroll around the neighborhood. We managed to make it three blocks before colliding with a pair of Mormon elders, looking especially clean cut and dashing in their dress shirts and meticulously parted
If You Ever Wanted to Induce a Heart Attack
I want to talk about something that changed my life, something that made me appreciate terra firma. I want to talk about a mean little thrill ride called the Swingshot. Clickie for video of its gnashing jaws of death in action When the Swingshot was the new ride for summer '06 at Kennywood
Kennywood Anticipation
We drove past our local amusement park -- Kennywood -- yesterday while out and about. Usually, seeing the hill of the Phantom's Revenge jutting out from the park, appearing to touch the clouds, barely fazes me, but yesterday it kind of shocked me with a thrill. Maybe because it's about to open in tw
Westmoreland County Fair, alright? PART ONE
Before I regale you with the story of our (not so) debaucherous trip to the Westmoreland County Fair last Wednesday, I feel that it's prudent to backpedal and preface that yarn with another tale that is absolutely wrought with horror and gore. It all happened in the wee hours of Sunday, August 23
Vegetarian Beer Dinner, 2007
(Ed Note: Hello, I am reposting this from LiveJournal because I haven't made fun of Kara and Janna in awhile, and the memory of this evening brings me great joy. Also, Wordpress can get fucked.) Vegetarian Beer Dinner Wednesday September 26, 2007 I had been looking forward to this dinner for a few
Freaky Features: The Tiny Tragedies
Coral Armour of the Tiny Tragedies was one of the first members of Etsy's Dark Side that I came across. I remember this distinctly because it was last fall and I desperately wanted something from her shop but Henry said NO because he's MEAN and clearly was home sick the day all the boys learned abFeb 7
economical truths
A few weeks ago, we received an eviction notice in the mail. It’s not that we’re evading the landlord, choosing instead to lounge around in Steelers sweatpants while hitting the meth. We’re giving him checks, but we’re not getting caught up. Henry had been talking to him about some sort of an arrangement prior to this, so we were a little blindsided by the notice.
Henry left to go to the rental office, so he could have a conversation with the landlord face-to-face. He called me from the parking lot and goes, “Look, the state constable is on his way to the house. Don’t answer the door.”
A simple command. Probably simple enough even for me to obey.
I decided to make it into a game for Chooch, which was, hello, a Very Stupid Move. “Chooch, some dude’s going to knock on the door, but we’re going to pretend like we’re not home, ok?”
“Huh? Where?” and he scrambled up on the chair and peered over the windowsill, his gigantic dome bobbing around like a buoy in the Atlantic. I’m on the couch, hissing for him to get down, but it was too late. The constable, unable to miss Chooch’s beach ball head, rapped on the window.
“It’s Blake!” Chooch exclaimed.
Now, here is where a normal person of average intelligence would scoff and tell the kid to STFU and get the hell away from the window. Me? I believe him. The same way I believe all the letters I get in the mail inviting me to claim my lottery winnings.
“Really?” I asked him, slightly skeptical at first. But when Chooch, face all alit with brother-love, squealed and looked back out onto the porch, I shrugged and made my way to the door. Blake has been known to sometimes show up on our doorstep, why couldn’t this particular moment be one of those impromptu visits? was what I was thinking when I pulled open the door.
And that is how I came to scream and slam my front door in the face of a state constable, who bore no resemblance to Blake AT ALL Chooch, you little asshole.
It is interesting to note that state constables do not prefer to have heavy wooden doors slammed on them. Sometimes, as in this case, it might even make them pound furiously upon said door while barking “STATE CONSTABLE” for all your neighbors to know that you are a criminal. A criminal with no money who is only one mere paycheck ahead of drinking soup from a boot behind an abortion clinic. And then he updates his Facebook status so that all HIS neighbors will know, also.
And so, at this point, I wise up and do the rational thing: run. In circles. With my hands flapping in the air. I started to run all the way up the stairs, planning to hide in the bathtub, but then I was worried he’d pull out a bullhorn next. So this is what I do: I stand a few feet away from the door and I shout, “I’m the babysitter and I’m not to open the door for anyone!” I shout this, in all seriousness, at a closed wooden door. Because this is the best plan I have, aside from opening the door and groveling like a prostitute at Jesus’s feet. And my voice is fucking quaking, and my hands are fucking ice cold and sweaty all at once, because I know we’re really in some deep ass fucking corn-studded shit right about now.
But he buys it, doesn’t press me to open the door after that, and he calls out, all smoothly because now he thinks he’s talking to some young hussy babysitter, “Ok, well I’m just going to slip this paper in the door. You make sure that—” and here he pauses to read my name loud and clear off the notice, just in case there are some neighbors who haven’t heard “—gets this notice from the Magistrate.”
And then Henry comes home and is like, “What the fuck, how do you screw up ‘don’t open the door’? How was that so hard?”
This situation, this fucking little recession that maybe you heard of, this is why Henry is now coming home from his regular job and doing odd electrical jobs for the landlord’s rental properties. So that maybe we might still have a place to live because god knows my mother sure isn’t taking us in. And we thought that maybe things would work themselves out, but then, well….
It’s like this: I got laid off. Our terminal was deemed “over-staffed” by Corporate and, after dodging the first round of lay-offs in November, I was let go on Wednesday. As a courtesy, they had me finish out the week, which was awkward and a total drag. I mean, who would want to go back after that? It’s like being dumped and then being told, “But wait! Will you still be my date to that wedding this weekend?” and you want to say no, but fuck, you already bought that shitty dress.
And so, like so many other people who are dealing with this same shit right now, I’m not sure what’s going to happen. But I will tell you this: if this blog goes a few weeks without being updated, assume that Henry has shipped me off as a mail order bride.
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The economy sucks sh*t so hard right now…I don’t need to tell you that. I really hope things pull together for you and your family.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 8th, 2009:
It really is so terrible right now! Every time Henry catches me stressing, he reminds me that getting upset isn’t going to do any good, so I’ve been surprisingly not too freaked out. Yet, anyway, lol.
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Oh Erin. I’m so sorry. =(
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 8th, 2009:
It’s alright! Things will work out. I just wanted to post this honestly in case other people were going through the same thing, so they’d know they weren’t alone.
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That really sucks. I sincerely hope it works out for you guys.
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Michelle reply on February 7th, 2009:
PS: I’ve been there too. They didn’t bother mailing my eviction notice but stuck it up on the door for all to see. I raised the money and got it straightened out, but there’s nothing quite like having your phone turned off, car repossesed and nearly getting evicted to make you feel like a winner.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 8th, 2009:
I know, right? It’s like, I feel like trashy Robin right about now, lol. Thank you for sharing with this me though, it helps to know that it happens to everyone. :)
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even when things suck, you still have an awesome sense of humor.
xox
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 8th, 2009:
It’s the only thing keeping me going! I took a few minutes to cry about the job thing when it happened, and now I’m ready to move on. Henry still has his job, and the landlord has been giving him more and more work, so we won’t die. At least, not right away, haha.
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That’s so awful, I’m sorry you guys are being hit with this shit. Life is pretty scary just now (it’s bad over here too, our economies seem to reflect each other). I hope you guys don’t lose your house, and that you find a way to make things work.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 8th, 2009:
Thanks Deb! We’ll get through it, and hopefully places will start lifting their hiring freezes soon. If not, it’s casting call time for Chooch!
(KIDDING. Maybe.)
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Ok, first and foremost I realize that this was NOT a humorous situation, and the entire thing seriously sucks MAJOR ASS and it’s totally not fair. That being said, I laughed my ass off reading this post, because it TOTALLY sounded like me (as your posts regularly do). And the part where Henry wanted to know how you could possibly screw up “don’t open the door”? Yeah, that would be me, too. Only we could screw up something so relatively simple.
I’m really sorry, though. I can’t believe you got laid off. I can’t believe that the world is so SHITTY right now that no one can keep their jobs. And me, wanting to quit my job so very badly… I feel like such an ass and so ungrateful for feeling that way. I guess I should just be thankful I’m getting a paycheck, right?
BUT. If it helps… I’ll be the first in line for ordering you as a bride. How about just entertainment? Do they have, like… mail-order… stand-up comics or something? You could just sit there and make me laugh. I can’t promise I’d pay much, but I’ll bake brownies!
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 8th, 2009:
No, no, no I’m glad you laughed because I still laugh when I think of that situation, and I didn’t want this to be some depressing, sad tale. So thank you! It is a sucky situation, but things will work out. We have a few options and we’re back in the landlord’s good graces.
Don’t feel like an ass, Jessa! Trust me, my last job was full time and OK-paying, but I hated the work and complained it constantly. Do I wish I had it back? Not really. So I don’t hold it against you at all for ranting about work!
I would totally be your bride!!
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oh man, that sucks so terribly bad. :( Im sorry. Hes trying to boot you now? Havent you lived there for like 7 years? He must be hard up.
Take a deep breath, it will work out.
I know this sounds silly, but please let me know if there is anything I can do. Even if you just need to call and yell to someone. If worse comes to worse and you guys need to find a place in a jiffy let me know and I might be able to help you. *hugs*
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
Thank you Kara. It’s gotta work out. I feel like we’ve been worse off before and pulled through, so I’m trying to stay positive.
This is what happened: our original landlord died and now his son is in charge. We think that he’s trying to outright sell this house, because apparently he’s having a ton of trouble renting out the other half (our old neigbors must have fucked it up pretty badly, I don’t know) and we think he’s trying to edge us out. Henry said he’s a really nice guy and he’s honestly trying to work this out with us, but whatever. We’ll be all caught up by next week, but now with me unemployed again, I’m afraid we’re going to wind up in the same boat. A neverending cycle, I tell you!
There is something that happened on top of this that’s even more devastating to me, but I will email you about that.
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Okay, Henry managed to work something out. I am extremely relieve right now. Man, and it feels like you JUST got this job. This really fucking stinks.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
I know! I just freakin’ got that job in Septemeber. I watched them do so many lay offs too, so I kind of half-expected it. I really, really liked that job. My boss wouldn’t take back my badge because he said he’s going to fight to get me back on the schedule, but I can’t wait around for that. I need something now!
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This fucking economy! I’m sorry that things are hard right now :(
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
I know you know how tough it is to find a job. It really sucks!
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Oh honey!! :(
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
I’ll be alright! <3
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I’m really sorry to hear that. If I had the extra income i could help you out
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
You’re very sweet Francesco:) It’ll all work out. We have options. It’s just scary when it happens so fast like that!
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I’m so sorry about all of this, Erin.
You and Henry make a good pair, and I’m sending the three of you best wishes and hope that everything works out well.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
I think if it wasn’t for Henry, I would be freaking out way more! It’s a relief to have someone who doesn’t yell at me when I don’t have a job, but I feel bad that he always ends up taking on so much of the burden.
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Oh, DAMN. That sucks. You liked that job, even! Ergh.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
I know, right?? Lol. But at the same time, from the moment I got hired, all I could think was, “This is too perfect. Something has to go wrong.”
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Lisa Bobisa reply on February 11th, 2009:
I’m really pissed about this! There is no “too good to be true” for you! YOU are too good to be true!
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I’m in the same boat, paddling hard upstream, just like you. It will work out. Don’t be too proud to ask for help and file for unemployment. Go for the services you need to go for.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
It sucks, right??? I filed for unemployment today. I’m not sure if I worked there long enough/made enough to qualify, but I’m crossing my fingers. It would be nice to have something to tide me over until I find something else.
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I laughed out loud reading this! The mental image of you screaming and slamming the door on the constable, then yelling that you are the babysitter…hahahaha…
Actually that was way more clever than anything I could have thought of on the spot like that. And it worked!
Its amazing, though…you take the saddest stories, and make them hilarious…everything from feeling lonely and misunderstood with a partner who doesn’t share your enthusiasm for things, to now even this, getting laid off and in danger of losing your home as we enter a recession-turning-depression, and yet you can still make me literally laugh out loud, the way you tell the story.
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 9th, 2009:
Thanks Janelle:) I’m glad you laughed, because I really didn’t intend for this to read as some plea for pity. I didn’t want it to be sad at all! I’m keeping my humor because it’s the only way to stay sane, and I know that things will get better. I know it’s soooo corny, but even though this whole financial crisis is happening, I’m still happy in other aspects of my life so it’s not all bad~
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You are seriously amazing. If you ever need my help with anything, please let me know!
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Tuna Tar-Tart reply on February 11th, 2009:
Thanks! I think you’re amazing too. We should hang out sometime!
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SUCK! Just letting you know, however, that I control the corner of Pioneer and Brookline Blvd. so don’t think about encroaching on my johns.
kdiddy´s last blog post..i’m not dead! i feel happy! i feel happy!
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