Feb 252014
 

Every now and again, Henry will mention this one broad from the corporate office of his dumb juice job. She’s an admin assistant, I guess, so sometimes Henry will have to talk to her about invoices or other office-y bullshit (and probably things of a SEXUAL NATURE as well, knowing Henry). And he’ll off-handedly say something like, “I had to talk to Shanice today—-” and then I stop listening to the rest because all I hear in my head is “Do doo do do doo doodle doo” and I start laughing so hard because SHANICE. And then Henry is like WHAT.

This has been going on for years. Literally—years.

And then yesterday, Henry was taking me to work when one of his little work palsies called him and Henry was all, “I don’t know, you’ll have to call Shanice—” in his Official Work Tone and my cheeks were near-bursting as I tried to swallow back the laugh lava, but finally I erupted in a hysterical wheeze, “DOES SHE LOVE YOUR SMILE?!” He was still talking on the phone, so I just kept repeating it and laughing even harder.

Henry did that thing he does where he curls up one side of his lip and silently shoots me judgmental daggers from behind his serial killer eyeglasses. When he ended his phone call, I was still giggling like a 12-year-old.

“Please make that her ring tone,” I cried.

“Make WHAT WHOSE ring tone?” he asked, mostly in disgust, but I also detected the tiniest slice of curiosity.

“‘I Love Your Smile’! Make it Shanice’s ring tone!” I yelled incredulously. I mean, duh.

And here is where I learned that after 8 years of my “Does she love your smile!?” jokes, Henry had no idea that Shanice was a singer in the 90s who enjoyed relative success with her R&B jam “I Love Your Smile.”

“Who WOULD know that?!” he cried in defense after I explained it to him. So then of course I had to find the song and play it for him on my phone. It triggered approximately zero memory for him, probably because that was back when he was too busy being the Every Parent while his Ginger Nightmare stepped out with all of the men (and sometimes women) and sorry, but he didn’t have time to know what songs the urban radio station was spinning back then. And then I played one of her slow jams (TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, duh) and he told me, and I quote, “Get away from me.” So, what, I guess we’re not shadow-dancing to Shanice at our Never Happenin’ Wedding?

And then somehow I started playing songs from the Boomerang soundtrack (the Toni Braxton/Babyface duet “Give You My Heart” amirite?!)  and Henry was about ready to roll me out of the passenger door by the time we got to The Law Firm, probably because I was getting a little out of control (my version of car dancing involves miming the act of face-punching the driver).

  7 Responses to “If Henry Ever Smiled, Shanice Might Love It”

  1. OMG, tonight was the perfect night for you to blog. I’m sitting in my hotel lobby in Frisco, TX having shitty pita and hummus (a VERY smelly man is nearby talking in a strange language) for dinner by myself because my loser coworker is “sick”. Dude, you are 43 years old, suck it up! But, noooooo…big baby has a headcold. If he bails out of picking me up tomorrow morning at 5:45 am for our 7:00 am patient, I may finish sewing the “JM voodoo doll” I’ve been wanting to start sewing (when I learn to sew), so I can stab him in his shriveled balls every time he texts (too chicken shit to call) with an excuse. Phew! I’m winded from that run-on sentence. My work friend Fionah and I place bets on everything from his choice of wardrobe, excuses, amount of time he’s late, and selection of lies, every time I have to work with him. Currently, we have a bet that he will be wearing stolen scrubs from a competing hospital (nice touch, douche), red Nike’s (that match his Superman iPhone cover) and a trucker hat. She thinks he will show up to pick me up in a trucker hat and a backpack with his name embroidered on the back. I countered that he’d pick me up in the 2 seater BMW while she is guessing that he’ll pick me up in the black Range Rover. In order to win the $5 bucks, I need to text her a photo. I win an extra $1 if he isn’t late.
    HOW in the world did you recall that “I Love Your Smile” was by Shanice? I would have probably pulled a stomach muscle from laughing, if I was in the car with you and Henry.
    BTW, the playlist from the non-existent wedding sounds killer. I might request a song or two!
    Thanks again for keeping me company (and for making me smile) as I noshed on my lame dinner.

    • Your comment was totally entertaining! I hope you win the bet—-I’m picturing JM to look like Britney Spear’s ex-husband, Kevin Federline. I think it was the trucker hat that did it!

      My wealth of one-hit wonder knowledge is pathetic, Kristen! But the sad part is that I know I still have that cassette single somewhere.

  2. I cannot believe he never asked before why it was so funny. This made me laugh out loud, though. ♥

  3. Who wouldn’t know that??!! I STILL HAVE MY BOOMERANG SOUNDTRACK! It is safely kept in my CD binder covered in various (lame) 90’s and early 2000’s stickers.

  4. I’ll bet my Navigation Tone beats Henry’s Official Work Tone. ;)

    I’m embarrassed to say I’m afraid I’m with Henry on this one. I am not familiar with Shanice or this song and would not have gotten the joke. However. It IS funny to me that this has been going on for years and Henry had no idea of this song all along. So, TOLHURST.

    • Your Navigation Tone! Yes!

      I’m not surprised that you wouldn’t remember it because I think it was only big on the urban radio stations/BET. I don’t think it crossed over to Top 40, so the odds of hearing it at the grocery store or Denny’s might have been slim! I went through a looooong phase where I was a suburban thug, so I was required to know everything from Shanice to Scarface (rap)!

      Man, what a weird phase.

  5. OMG. Shanice. I started going there in my head just as you went there! Bwahahaha! If I meet a Cherelle someday, I might pee my ever lovin’ pants! Why, yes, yes I DO have a Spotify playlist called New Jack Swing/Oldschool Urban…

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