Apr 072014

Henry and I are getting ready for bed, which means it’s time for me to ask him questions that he doesn’t want to answer because he’s old & tired constantly.

Tonight’s question was good, though! I wondered what he would have been like if the Internet and Twitter were around when he was 21, and of course he had no response so I had to answer for him.

“You probably would have used #YOLO and beer & poop emojis incessantly,” I laughed, right before getting the best idea of my life: CREATING A FAKE TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR SERVICE-ERA HENRY.

“That’s a stupid idea,” he mumbled into his pillow.

“Did you have to keep a log when you were in THE SERVICE?” I probed after he said “none” when I asked him what his SERVICE nickname was.

“WHAT? A log? No,” he spat. “It wasn’t Star Trek.” And then after a few beats (as in SECONDS, not THOSE KINDS OF BEATS you guys, god!) he asked, “Why would I keep a log?”

“You know, so you could write things down like Today I learned how to put sheets on my bed.

“Why would I be learning how to put sheets on my bed in THE SERVICE? I wasn’t retarded!” He was getting really ticked off. I was getting pretty Goldthwait-y.

“What color were your sheets?” I pressed excitedly. “Army???”

Now Henry was super ruffled. “What? No! They were white,” he muttered.

I lost it at this point, had to pull the blanket over my face to muffle my insane laughter so my neighbors wouldn’t think I was torturing a milkmaid again.

“It’s not funny!” Henry huffed.

“I bet they got dirty real easily,” I cried, actual drool sluicing down my chin, the result of sloppy laughter.

Henry ignored me, turning over so he was facing away from me.

“You know who else will think this is funny?” I wheezed.

“Alyson,” Henry mumbled immediately. “Because she’s stupid too.” And then after a few seconds of nothing but my psycho bray filling the bedroom, Henry asked, “Wait—why would my sheets be dirty?”

And I just lost it all over again.

  6 Responses to “A Convo About Dirty Sheets”

  1. What color is Army, exactly? That weird cream green color?

    • Scarily, I got your comment and thought, “WTF is she talking about?” because I apparently forgot that I wrote this last night in bed. Sometimes I think I have mini strokes!

      And yes, that’s the color. ;)

  2. I will be following said Twitter account IMMEDIATELY once it becomes active!

  3. I read this right after you posted it and was dying! I thought “holy shit, I’m so glad that she got up to write this” immediately followed by “yay Alyson! I’m not the only one Henry blames for asshole-ery!”

  4. By the time I reached the end of the post, I was crying. And then I read the ending of your post and choked from the truth of it.

    And people DO keep LOGS in the SERVICE. That’s what they DO. They keep measurements and distances and COORDINATES.

    Furthermore, YES THEY DO learn to put on sheets in THE SERVICE. In BOOT CAMP. When you learn the special SERVICE method of making your bed.

    Oh GOD I cannot stop LOSING IT. This just won my horrendous day!

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