Apr 092014
 

OMG so this week’s bullet point post is happening today because I’m going to see Eisley tomorrow which means I might (should?) have real sentences to structure on Friday. Oh who am I kidding. This blog has been like a derailed train for god knows how long. Ain’t nobody be structuring shit.

  • Remember how I was freaking out about getting stabbed thanks to The Following? Well, there was a mass stabbing this morning at a local high school and I can’t fucking stand it. Thank god no one died, although a few people were critically injured.  I am torn between wrapping my kid in 87 kevlar* vests or just homeschooling him altogether (while wrapped in 87 kevlar vests).  Please do not mistake me for some old bitty sitting in a nursing home atrium, but I can’t believe how different the world is already just from when I was a kid. I hate it so bad. (I mean, who doesn’t?) I graduated in 1997, so a few years before Columbine happened, and I just don’t remember hearing too much back then about all this fucked up shit happening in schools. I know for a fact that I definitely wasn’t afraid of going to school and getting shot. And now that’s what kids have to worry about, as if worrying about getting good grades, “fitting in” and getting bullied wasn’t already enough.
    • * You will be shocked to know that for once I actually put forth 20 second’s worth of fact-checking/research, otherwise that was about to read “mylar vest.” Probably wouldn’t do much good.
    • This was definitely not the first time I Googled “bulletproof vest” at work.
  • You know what is similar to fact-checking that anyone who writes on the Internet should be doing consistently? Proof-reading. You know who doesn’t do that? This one right here. Ugh, you guys just don’t understand! I hate reading over something I just typed. I’m always rushed to begin with, usually at work (during down time, get over yourselves!), and I just hate reading my writing. So I post it as-is which is unprofesh but I am not getting paid to blog so whatever, right? Sometimes Henry will actually catch a typo and then rub it in for hours, but usually they remain there to fester for all of eternity, unless I am revisiting an old post for nostalgia-reasons or because I want to prove something to someone and need facts (also known as “Erin-skewed fantastical memory beliefs”). Like last night, when I was re-reading something from September and found that not only did I do the whole to/too thing (FML), I also confused “recant” with “recall” AND poorly-worded an entire paragraph which came off sounding super racist and I had no idea at the time. I fucking win at blogging. So, my point is that I would like to make a promise that I will try harder at proof-reading, but we all know that I’m going to hit “publish” and forget to even do a half-assed cursory glance.
    • Whatever happened to the days when Janna had access to my blog so she could correct my embarrassments?
    • See: first line of this post where I talk about “structuring real sentences” and then feel free to LOL forever.

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  • Chooch’s birthday is April 25th, but we’re not having his birthday party until the second weekend of May because it’s going to be outdoors and who knows if it’s going to snow again. Anyway, I kept pressing for a creepy carnival theme but I could tell he wasn’t into it and god forbid I should be one of Those Parents who forces their kids to want the things that they want. So he picked a cat theme instead and I’m 100% on board with that. However, cat-themed party supplies are either Cat In the Hat or kittens swathed in ribbons of pinks and purples. So the natural solution was to go with LOL Cats, which means DIY city for us. I already designed his invitations (the picture above is the back of the invitation) and I have a bunch of cat-themed food in my head. (Grumpy Cat donuts!) (Taco Cat Salad!) (Cheesy Hair Balls!) (NO kitty litter cake, though. I hate those! And you know, since I hate those then Chooch has to hate those, too. #hypocrite) This is pretty much the funnest (suck it, grammar) party I’ve planned yet. OK, maybe second only to Janna’s Poopy Birthday Party back in 2003. They can’t all be that shitastic. Speaking of, Janna’s coming over this weekend to make Nyan cat puppet-things. (You didn’t know that, Janna?) I WISH ALL OF YOU COULD BE THERE! (The party, not my house making Nyan cat puppet-things.)
    • It was like I’m sponsored by Parentheses up there in that last bullet.
  • Hey, you know how I’ve been with Henry since 2001? Well, I only just recently realized that he pronounces “going” the same way a normal person would say “boing.” So now EVERY TIME he says it, I interrupt him to scream GOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNG! and he gets so frustrated. “One day I’m just going to stop talking altogether!” he sometimes pouts.
    • Of course, now I’m wondering if the reason I never noticed this before is because he only just recently picked it up from HIS NEW MISTRESS. OMG Henry is a philanderer!!
      • But the bigger possibility is that I just never really listened to him that much before.
  • A waiter from Dollywood found my blog and didn’t like the “unrealistic speculations” I made about his collection of women’s tongues and blow-up sex dolls. So, that was awkward. My nervous tic is making up lewd stories about 75% of the strangers I come in contact with and I honestly can’t help it. So I changed his name from Sherman to Sherbet. Hopefully that will smooth things over.
    • It’s a constant struggle between good and evil with me.
  • OMG remember last year when I signed up for that health screening thing at work and then found out right before that I WAS GOING TO GET MY FINGER PRICKED? (Just pretend.) Well, I signed up again this year but I was determined to go up alone this time since I’m practically a seasoned pro by now and I knew what to expect. However, as it got closer to my scheduled screening, I started to get heart palpitations and finally I just went up early because I thought I was going to pee my pants if I had to stare at the clock any longer. Anyway, I told the finger-pricker lady that I was scared but trying to be brave. She had my hand in her hands, trying to warm up my fingertips, and she interrupted my insane panic-rambles to cock her head and said, “Seriously? You have TATTOOS ON YOUR FINGERS and you’re afraid of this?” Touché, finger-pricker. Touché. But seriously you guys, I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF! And my numbers were all healthy, even though I have no idea what any of it means. Came back to my office-thing and immediately swapped out my ugly bandaid for a Candy Land one.
  • IT’S ALMOST HOCKEY PLAYOFF TIME!!! Speaking of, the other day Barb was all, “Oh and by the way, the Stanley Cup is right up the street if you care.” I guess there was some Canadian thing going on in some building that I never knew existed, so Mean Amber walked me up there and we got to have our picture taken with it. Phil, the keeper of the Cup, was also there and I was adamant upon him being in the photo too because that guy has been in commercials so he’s essentially famous. Also, he wears nice white gloves. Originally, I didn’t want to be in the picture at all because I honest-to-god cannot pose for a picture to save my life, but at the last minute, I sighed and let it happen, thinking that maybe it could be that 1/1,000,000 chance where everything aligns and I look like a person who knows the difference between smiling and having a stroke. Yeah, I didn’t hit the photo lottery. I mean it’s not the WORST picture I’ve posed uncomfortably for, but I still wound up looking deranged, like a woman with a secret, and that secret might be a box of women’s tongues in a box under her bed because she learned it by watching Sherbet. #fakesmilecity
    • That night, Henry was pressing me for more details on exactly where I was that I got to see the Stanley Cup. “I don’t know, some building that Barb claims used to be Home Depot,” I said, totally annoyed. “Home Depot? I literally have no idea where there used to be a Home Depot downtown,” Henry pondered, totally thrown off at the fact that he didn’t know about something being somewhere. A few minutes passed and I said, “Oh, I think maybe it was Office Depot. Same thing.” Henry shouted, “THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING!” STFU, Henry.20140409-190702.jpg
  • Henry broke our TV somehow so he is officially the Enemy of the House, according to Chooch and me.
  • Chooch is going to invite the helmeted boy who bit him to his birthday party and I’m so happy about that.
  • Writing this is severely cutting into my Easter Glenn time, you guys. See the sacrifices I make for you?
  • Today a co-worker was sitting  next to me, showing off her flaky skin (yes, that happened) and some of it floated down onto my leg and she just carried on like it was no biggie and I mean, I get that we all basically spend more time with our co-workers than anyone else, but if I won’t let Henry flake his dead skin onto my person, then you can’t do that either.
    • Nate asked me if I needed an umbrella.

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  •  My friend Terri inspired me to listen to the Used tonight at work, and I admittedly haven’t listened to them in quite some time because of dumb Christina. I feel like I’m wrapped in a blanket right now. I mean, I actually AM wrapped in a blanket right now because it’s always 30 degrees in my wing of the department, but you know what I mean. Metaphorically, or whatever. Like my heart is blanketed. God, just forget it. Never mind.
    • After all these years, it is still hilarious to me that Christina is the biggest liar I have ever known in my entire life, and the Used (her FAVORITE BAND) has a song called “Liar, Liar.” I wish I was God because I would make sure that fucking song played every single time she walked into a room.
  • OK, I’m GOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYNG now.

 

  3 Responses to “Wednesday Whys and Whats”

  1. Best birthday party invite. EVER. You don’t look bad in that picture. A touch awkward, but not bad. :) Okay, she flaked skin on you? I would have freaked out! That is really nasty. Goyng, Henry? Really though? That’s terrible. (Like I have any room to talk, I’m from Utah and we say really stupid shit like melk instead if milk and pellow instead of pillow.)

  2. “totally thrown off at the fact that he didn’t know about something being somewhere. A few minutes passed and I said, “Oh, I think maybe it was Office Depot. Same thing.” Henry shouted, “THAT IS NOT THE SAME THING!” STFU, Henry.”

    TOLHURST!

    Also, why am I laughing that he broke the TV? Why is this so funny to me? HOW DID HE DO THIS?!

    That is not a bad picture of you.

    • It all started when he bought an Xbox 1, which is the DEVIL. It has pretty much ruined my life (I hate video games). Henry was trying to reroute the wires and unplugged the TV for a second, and when he plugged it back in, it was just dead. We had it repaired though and got it back on Saturday, just don’t ask me what was wrong because I zoned out as soon as Henry started to tell me!

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