Will Blog for Bullets

It’s Friday, motherfingers! (Sorry. I wanted to see what it felt like to not swear constantly. It was…eh.) Anyway, who gives a shit really, but it’s BULLET TIME, WHAT. These free-flow posts have been so cleansing and therapeutic for me. Thank you for being my imaginary team of therapists.

• Here’s a little known fact about me and it will probably really take you by surprise, so prepare thyself: I am able to competently peel hard boiled eggs. Without mangling them, even. Would I prefer someone else do it for me? FUCK YES.
• I’m still going strong with my Simpsons: Tapped Out addiction and I do believe it’s the longest an iPhone game has ever held my attention rapt. The Easter update is still happening, and at first I was super sad about having to squish rabbits for eggs, but then I remembered Rudy (that motherfucker) and suddenly I was stabbing my fingertip against the phone screen.
• “Beverly Hills” by Weezer was on the radio when I walked into my bedroom this morning and I had to turn it. I can tolerate most music that’s played on our alternative station here in Pittsburgh, but I just can’t with Weezer, and that usually makes people angry with me. Because if I say “I like emo” then obviously that means I’m a huge Weezer fan, right? Wrong. When I say “I like emo” I’m thinking of Appleseed Cast, Jejune (<3!!!!), early Jimmy Eat World, Get Up Kids, etc. Not motherfucking “Buddy Holly.” I went through a phase many years ago when I thought that Weezer was an important band to have in a music collection, so I made sure to buy all their dumb albums as they released them (I stopped after that green one though), but then I finally grew up and came to terms with the fact that I don’t have to adore every band that music magazines tell me to. And that is OK, you guys. We can all still play Ring Around the Rosie together! I don’t have germs!
  • What really made me dislike Weezer even more was when Rivers (who doesn’t impress me, sorry) wrote THE WORST SONG EVER for one of my FAVORITE BANDS EVER, Cold. It’s called “Stupid Girl” and it makes me fucking sick. Cold went on tour with Weezer once and had to drop off because all of the shitty Weezer fans were throwing things at them. Assholes. (Granted, what a horrible pairing…but still. Heckling the opening band is such a douche move.)
  • Speaking of “songs I have to turn off”: A few weeks ago, I was on some music forum and someone replied to me, “Do you remember Alien Ant Farm?” I was like, “Dude, I’m from Pittsburgh. Our alternative radio station won’t let us forget Alien Ant Farm.” Seriously, every goddamn day I hear it. (I keep that station on in my bedroom though because it’s the official radio station of the Penguins and I like to hear the hockey bullshit, OK? Get off my back!
  • I have a bunch of Emo Diaries CD compilations that I am going to dust off this weekend. Thank you, Weezer.
• The Law Firm has started using this corporate media site called Yammer, which is basically like the most boring Facebook ever. A bunch of us were being all faux-enthusiastic about it the other day until we quickly realized that the whole Firm could see what we were doing (note: it wasn’t anything unlawful, but still…totally creepy) so now we’re all mute. I’m excited to see how long it takes someone to get in trouble for Yammer abuse. I have learned enough lessons over the last year and a half for that someone to not be me.
• Do you guys watch hockey? This is the best time of the year for hockey fans. I love the Stanley Cup play-offs so much, I can’t even explain it. Sure, I’m sick to my stomach almost constantly (you know, until the Penguins inevitably get knocked out), but there is just so much to see and scream at! Last night was the first game of Round 2 between the Bruins (HATE THEM) and the Canadiens and it was fucking fantastic. However, an incredible 2 OT win by the Canadiens was overshadowed by a bunch of hateful Bruins fans tweeting disgusting racist remarks about P.K. Subban, the Canadien who won the game. There was one time a few years ago when I had my own tweet about Subban, something to the effect of “Get fucked, Subban” after he scored on the Penguins and that’s how I vent: tweet meaningless shit like that or punch Henry in the head. Anyway, I was retweeted a few dozen times by Habs fans, calling me a racist, hashtagging things like #racistPittsburghfans, etc. If you didn’t know who Subban was and you saw my tweet, would you assume he was black? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Because his ethnicity and skin color were not even a PARTIAL factor of why I was ragging on him.  I think when it comes to sports, it’s inevitable that fans are going to get maniacal with their social media blithering, suggesting that perhaps Alex Ovechkin choke on a dick, but to make it a racial thing? Why? What’s the point? These Bruins fans went too far and it makes me sick. Go watch football, you fucking meatheads. Keep hockey classy.
  • I also hate it when people cheer when a player they dislike gets seriously injured. When Sidney Crosby suffered a concussion a few years ago, there were jackass-y t-shirts made to “commemorate” it. So gross. Much trash.
  • Anyway, the Penguins are miraculously still in contention and they have their first game of the second round tonight against the Rangers. God help us.
• I found this group picture of me and some of my friends at Chooch’s third birthday party and it brought back all kinds of fun memories, except that it made me remember the girl in the purple who turned out to be su-hoooooo-per annoying. And it made me miss Alisha, but while I will always care about her a ton, some friendships just don’t last. I want to say something like, “Thank god I grew up and finally accepted that!” but…wah. I have also been thinking about her a lot because she was my #1 hockey-watching pal when the Penguins won the Cup in 2009, so she’s always in the back of my mind during this time of year. God, why can’t we all just be compatible with everyone!?
  • I had to email a secretary earlier about Chrome not being compatible with one of the applications we use here and I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to spell “compatible.” I type “c” and then just stared at the screen with my tongue slightly protruded. Then I figured it out so now I just want to show off about it. COMPATIBLE.

•  If you don’t work with me, you won’t think this is funnay (or funny) at all, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. (In my head, I’m saying these things while I type.) My office-thing-mate is this guy named Patrick. I think he’s about my age, and we get along decently, but sometimes I can’t tell if it’s OK to joke with him. Like sometimes he’ll just be like, “OK *stern stare*” and I slink back to my office-thing. Anyway, I was walking to work yesterday and I thought to myself, “Why is Patrick wearing that hair piece? OMG that’s not Patrick” but you guys, it looks so much like if Patrick were 50 that I didn’t have to say anything to my co-workers about it and they KNEW EXACTLY why I took this picture. (Honestly, A-ron just walked past my office-thing and thanked me again for risking my life for something we can all pee our pants over.) Patrick stands JUST LIKE THAT and had that same face! Just, no pot-belly and no toupee. He has regular guy-in-his-30s hair. I mean, even the director of the department laughed REALLY HARD when I showed her. Finally, Nate backed me up and I showed Patrick the picture. For a few seconds, he said nothing. I squirmed. Then he said, “Ok…so this is how you see me.” I quickly argued, “No, not NOW! This is like, FUTURE YOU!” while Nate and our co-worker Cheryl also chimed in. Finally, Patrick started laughing REALLY HARD and I was able to breathe again. Dude’s been to Iraq, OK? I don’t want to anger him. Anyway, I’m posting it here because he looks like a fucking giant because of the way I took the picture, so even if you don’t know Patrick, it’s still amusing. EVEN HENRY KIND OF LAUGHED.  I want Patrick to use this as his Yammer profile picture, so whenever he’s training a secretary and she wants to follow him on Yammer, this is what she’ll see:

 Future Patrick

 Present Day Patrick

• Henry got me all these pouches of fancy apple stuff the other day and they are pretty good. This picture is sideways and I don’t feel like fixing it:

• My co-worker Barb broke a fifth of vodka all over her office floor last night, so that was exciting. I was Helpful by fetching her a roll of paper towels and then watching her mop it up.
• The Emo Diaries compilations are on Spotify!! So that is what I’m listening to now until the hockey game starts. God, I have to pee just thinking about it.
• Tomorrow night, Wendy, Evonne and me are going on a ghost tour/investigation around downtown Pittsburgh and I’m so stoked that I roped Jeannie into going with us too! I think her brand of dry sarcasm will perfectly balance Wendy’s joy, Evonne’s paranormal sensitivity and my extreme giddiness. Jeannie doesn’t seem stoked about this at all, but she lives downtown and basically just has to step out her building’s front door, so NO EXCUSES!
• You know what is really insane? The Insanity workout. Holy fuckkkkkk. I found some of them on YouTube and let’s just say my body feel likes a slinky this week, but I didn’t give up! Not even after I puked, swallowed it, puked again and spit it out the front door. The things I do for my Fitness Challenge team.
• Chooch’s birthday party is in one week! I’m really excited for this one. I love that he has grown-up friends too so we can have one big bash with them and also his actual kid friends. This weekend, Henry and I are going to be working on a cat-themed photo backdrop and cat-ear headbands for photo props. I might have to use a hot-glue gun. :(
• Here is a picture I took during my walk downtown yesterday:

 

• Oh shit, something really gross happened earlier today: Glenn and I had a civil conversation. I know, what the fuck. It must be all the Insanity. Anyway, later on, I was over at Barb’s desk when Glenn walked by and, simultaneously, we blurted out to Barb, “We had a normal conversation!” Barb was like, “Ew, why?” And I said, “Well, because he’s the only one here who watches “The Following” and I needed to talk about it.” So now Glenn feels used, which is good because he stole the mix tape blanket that Kendahl made me, which means he was skulking around in my office-thing, ugh! (I have the blanket back, don’t worry Kendahl!)
• Race Car Riot!
• I think that’s all I have to say. If I think of anything else, I’ll come back and add it, which is what I do with every other blog post I write. I don’t know why I bother hitting “Publish” because I am honestly NEVER DONE. I promise you that if you read something right away, there will be eight more paragraphs later on, so you’re probably better off reading immediately. I think a great summation of Oh Honestly, Erin would be ” tl;dr.”
  • Barb, tl;dr means “too long; didn’t read.”