Sep 082014
 

All day at work, I kept obsessively checking the tracking info for my Emarosa preorder bundle.

“Out for delivery.”

All day long.

Longest fucking delivery route of all time.

Henry picked me up from work at 5:30 and on the way home, I noticed that the status had FINALLY been changed to “delivered.”

I did an uncoordinated air-pump thing.

“Have you been home at all today? WAS IT THERE?!” I screamed at the side of Henry’s bristled cheek as he steered the car around potholes.

“I was home for a little bit but it wasn’t there,” Henry replied in the calm voice reserved for cloud-watching with kittens and lacking the URGENCY required when one is discussing the status of an Emarosa album delivery.

My heart began its nervous jig inside my chest. A parade of lost packages drove through my memory like a fucking funeral procession, my Emarosa bundle in the hearse.

I checked my email again.

“It says it was delivered at 2:06!” I cried, my wildly gesticulating heart inviting my cheeks to join the panic party by pumping warm blood into them.

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“Well, it wasn’t there when I was home,” Henry mumbled.

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He pulled into the driveway and I craned my neck to see the porch.

Empty.

He parked the car in the driveway and Chooch took his good old time getting out of the backseat so I ran around the front of the car, practically knocking Henry back into the drivers seat, and raced up the driveway. I yanked the screen door open to see if my package was laying in between the doors BUT IT WASN’T.

Henry had caught up with me by then and as he was unlocking the door, I was on the cusp of tears.

“PLEASE TELL ME YOU WERE JOKING AND IT’S IN THE HOUSE!” I screamed at him.

“It’s not here!” Henry insisted as I pushed my way into the house and ran around wildly.

He’s right, I thought as I looked at the package-less coffee table. It didn’t come. SOMEONE STOLE IT!!

I was eight, thirteen, nineteen, twenty-three, thirty-two all over again and not getting what I wanted for Christmas. I was just about to shriek, “THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER AND I WISH I WAS DEAD!!!!!” when I noticed the MerchNow package resting surreptitiously on a dining room stool.

I snatched it and caught Henry laughing at me. And I started to cry.

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!” I screamed, and my whole body WAS SHAKING because that is how much this shit matters to us kids, ok?

And then I proceeded to rip the package open, smash the Versus beanie on my dumb head, hug the CD, kiss the vinyl, put on my Emarosa shirt, and string up the fox ring on the included chain.

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Today is a good day.

  6 Responses to “The Five-Minute Roller Coaster”

  1. I’m a terrible person (but you knew that) because I found Henry’s prank kind of funny.

    OK. A lot funny.

    And if I were waiting for a package and it didn’t get delivered when they said I’d be freaking out too, even if it was just something like underpants.

  2. Nice! That’s a good bundle. Tyrone would have done the same to me.

  3. So mean, tell Henry you’re pregnant with triplets, haha

  4. That riiiiiing! IT IS SO CUTE!

  5. I share the stress/excitement of waiting for a package (it was me that used to set up a freaking surveillance camera to keep an eye on the mailbox while I worked). If you have an Android device (or even iPhone, don’t know if it’s available there), there’s an awesome app called Deliveries that lets you put in the tracking number and the carrier, and the app will check at your specified intervals and notify you when the status has changed. Lets you (to some extent) get on with your life and not be tied to refreshing a website obsessively. Unless that’s your thing ;)

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