Dec 152014
 

On our way to Carlisle (our stopping point before continuing on to Philly the next morning), we ate at the Summit Diner in Somerset.

We had the same waitress that Chooch and I had back in October when we stopped there with Janna after screaming our faces off at Huston’s Haunted Hollow. On that night, she started out totally annoyed, not even trying to pretend like she wasn’t pissed we came in 30 minutes before closing. She eventually warmed up to us though. This time, however, she was overly kind and kept trying to make suggestions when we were ordering. Something about her seemed artificial, and I decided that she reminded me of Alison from The Affair, that Showtime series that I love/hate to watch. I get really upset about it and then start thinking of buying a cage so that Henry can never leave the house and deal with all those pesky temptations to philander. I mentioned that the waitress reminded me of this Alison broad and Henry just rolled his eyes.

Henry asked the waitress for napkins and she tried her best to say “They’re right there” without sounding like a snide bitch, pointing to the napkin dispenser on the table. Chooch & I have eaten here before so we knew that already and oh how we laughed. “You’re such a n00b!” I cried and Henry frowned angrily while ripping obvious napkins out of the obvious dispenser.

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Chooch & I spent the entire weekend idiotically blurting out, “Remember when daddy asked for NAPKINS?!” Henry was barely speaking to us Saturday morning, especially after we arrived at Christian and Terri’s for breakfast (they are way too good to us) and Henry sat RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE NAPKIN HOLDER. Terri swears she didn’t purposely put it in front of him.

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Before we left the Summit Diner, Chooch–who was scarfing down his breakfast scramble like this was the first time we let him out in public since his picture was finally removed from the milk carton–began choking. And I mean CHOKING. You know when people say, “Oh so-and-so turned beet red because they were so embarrassed”? Well guess what, no they probably didn’t turn beet red. Maybe a slight rouge or coral. Because what I learned that night at the Summit Diner is that “beet red” is reserved for choking victims. I have never seen Chooch’s face that hue before, and it was teetering dangerously into the plum color family.

“HELP HIM!” I begged Henry, who was sitting next to him, but then Chooch slowly coughed up the mangled wad of cheesy bacon that had lodged itself in his throat. Relief washed over me and then I almost started crying. Henry was MAD.

“I TOLD you to chew!” he spat angrily and I was like “Our son nearly choked to death and you’re going to yell at him?”

Then our waitress came over and started wiping down the table behind Chooch. “You OK buddy? Yeah…” she said in an affirmative tone when he nodded yes.

And then it all came back to The Affair because in the first episode, that’s how the two cheaters meet: the guy is at a diner with his family and Alison is a waitress, and then the guy’s daughter starts choking on a marble, OMG.

So basically what this means is that Chooch choked and now Henry is going to cheat on me.

Ugh and now while I’m typing this, Mr. Mister’s “Broken Wings” is on; that’s going to be Henry’s song with his mistress. FML.

  4 Responses to “Napkins + Choking = Infidelity”

  1. This made me laugh and also realize that I really fucking want some french toast right now.

  2. ” and Henry frowned angrily while ripping obvious napkins out of the obvious dispenser.”

    TOLHURST! And you included a photo, even. Brilliant.

    So when I watch Homeland, I always see brief commercials advertising The Affair. It looks interesting–do you recommend it? Since Boardwalk Empire is going away, I need a new show.

    • My feelings toward The Affair are really up and down, which is unusual for me because I either love a show or hate it. I can’t say that I love it, but I must like it enough to keep coming back. I think my issue is that I absolutely hate the main characters, but I can’t tell if that’s because we’re supposed to hate them, or because they just suck at acting. And then there’s the whole affair thing, which you know is how Henry and I started out, but I hate that these two people are cheating for some reason, it just makes me so fucking mad, even though there’s that perverse satisfaction too.

      But of course it’s not just about an affair–their history of hooking up is interwoven with a murder investigation, so it jumps back and forth. I also like that each episode is split in half: for her side of the story and his.

      I would say watch the first episode and go from there. I actually don’t know anyone who watches it so I’m not even sure how popular or well-received it is because I never hear anyone talking about it!

  3. Bwahaha!

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