Gayle is off today and of all people, GLENN is taking her late shift which sucks because today is also MY late shift day, UGH UGH UGH. In order to make this less painful (for me), I decided to live blog it. Apologies in advance.
11:54AM: Just got here a few minutes ago and was dismayed to see Glenn was already here and not late. I really wanted him to be late. Anyway, I asked him if he was ready for our Big Late Shift and he said he’s heavily medicated so I guess that’s just the long way of saying yes. Then Pregnant Amber turned around and said that this was going to be the most boring live blog ever because Glenn is boring so I’ll probably just make stuff up if I have to.
11:56AM: Glenn was rummaging through a plastic bag and now I think he might be eating yogurt. Probably some dumb flavor too, like prune.
12:15PM: Just had a semi-civil conversation with Glenn about an audit. It was OK.
12:21PM: Non-Glenn related, but Amber just went to get her glasses fixed. She was supposed to get them fixed yesterday but when she got to the eyeglass place, she realized SHE BROUGHT AN EMPTY CASE WITH HER. Oh, the trials and tribulations of Pregnant Amber! She was telling Glenn about this and said something about how I was laughing about it yesterday or something, she couldn’t remember and Glenn was all, “Basically, you just heard noise, right?” Shut up.
12:38PM: Several people mentioned the live-blogging thing in passing but I don’t think Glenn fully understands what is taking place here. I’m reminded of this time in elementary school, probably 5th grade, when I had this tiny forest green notepad and I decided it would be fun to essentially spy on my classmates—it basically turned into some weird analog TMZ of its time, because my friends started to find out about it and then everyone wanted to read it, especially because there was an entry in it about Mike Harrison calling the lunch lady MRS. GLUMAC a bitch during recess and then HITTING HER IN THE FACE WITH A KICK BALL AND BREAKING HER GLASSES! This was a big deal, kids getting to not only hear a swear but also READ a swear all in the same day, can you believe it. I’m going to call Pregnant Amber “Amber GLUMAC” today since she has broken glasses too. I don’t think hers broke in such a violent way though.
1:01PM: Barb just sent an email to the department because the printers are getting switched, whatever that means. “What an exciting day!” I exclaimed, to which Glenn mumbled, “Isn’t it, though.”
1:29PM: Amber GLUMAC is back with her glasses! She said she didn’t check them to see if they’re actually fixed, though, so I’m hoping they sent her on her way with the wrong pair because I really can’t stand to think of this saga being over. Plus I haven’t had a chance to call her Amber GLUMAC enough times. Then we were talking about the Mattress Factory because Corey and I are going there tomorrow and Amber was like, “You should take Glenn too” and then he mumbled something about how terrible of an idea that was and how that place sounded dumb. Because ew culture gross. And then I showed him a picture of the orange juice accident Henry had this morning at work, and Glenn giggled (YES GIGGLED) and said “Oh shit.” I’m breaking through, you guys!
(Henry’s Orange Juice Accident. Maybe he will guest post about this!)
1:40PM: It appears that Amber1 is getting some sort of advice from Amber GLUMAC and I wish that she would come back and talk to me about it too so that Glenn can pipe up with some type of curt advice in the style of Ron Swanson. OMG GLENN’S CELL PHONE JUST RANG AND HIS RING TONE IS SOME SORT OF METAL-SOUNDING GUITAR SNIPPET and I asked him what it is and he said he doesn’t know?!?!?! I believe it was “Crazy Train.”
2:51PM: Glenn just took care of something work-related before Amber GLUMAC even had to tell him to do it and now she just thinks he’s so great and totally on-the-ball and I’m trying not to puke up my Smart Ones over here. Meanwhile, we have no printers to use thanks to BARB’s boyfriend The Copier Fixer, who decided to come in like gangbusters, no warning, and “switch the printers” which I think I found out literally means he is switching the printers.
2:55PM: I am going to the kitchen to open my orange. Be back in like 20 minutes. (It takes me a while.) NEVER MIND!! I’m still here because I got a breaking news text from ESPN which I read out loud to Glenn: “Tiger Woods shoots a career-worst 82 at Waste Management Phoenix Open, missed cut in second straight event.” So then we had a pleasant conversation that I will title The Sucking of Tiger Woods, and we both commented on what a horrible name for a tournament Waste Management is. “I’m playing in the Garbage Bowl, yippee” Glenn monotoned but I think he was actually trying NOT to monotone for once? And then I said, “He’s no Phil Mickelson” and now I’m going to excuse myself because I have an appointment with an orange in the kitchen.
4:09PM: PRINTER UPDATE!! The printers have been effectively switched, but now some of our print jobs are being sent to different floors. I nominate Glenn to be the print job liaison. GO GET OUR PRINTED THINGS, GLENN. GO, GLENN, GO.
4:38PM: Barb, bless her heart, tried to host an impromptu intervention at her desk. She told Glenn that he just needs to open his mind to my amazing-ness and his face turned a little green. In other news, I had to tell Barb that various print jobs are being routed to other floors and I’m pretty sure she’s going to quit her job and learn to live off the land. When the printers were being switched earlier, she was swearing profusely and practically speaking in tongues and then she yelled, “Put THAT in your live blog!” Yikes.
4:42PM: I just noticed that Amber GLUMAC is wearing her glasses so I guess they’re OK. How anti-climatic. She didn’t even make a big production of putting them on.
4:59PM: “Hello? ‘Sup.” — how Glenn answers his phone.
6:38PM: Two more hours to go! I tried to get Barb to smuggle me out with her a few minutes ago but she’s cruel and told me to basically suck it up. This night is almost as boring as when Amber GLUMAC was telling us the story about how her dryer is broken, which is less of a story and more of just a fact, and I was sitting here thinking, “Wow, this is a really boring conversation about household appliances” when meanwhile, Glenn was hanging on to her every word, and asking her questions about the drum and some other things and since we’ve been pretty slow tonight, I’m pretty positive that Glenn is sitting behind me, googling “DRYER PARTS” and looking for people on Craigslist with broken dryers so that he has fodder for his weird appliance fantasies. I think he was trying to bait Amber into asking him to fix the dryer for her, to be honest.
6:48PM: ALERT! ALERT! GLENN IS GOING TO GET HIS KEYS! He has to go down to the big scary parking garage so I told him to be careful but then I started laughing because like I care if he gets devoured by a parking garage troll.
7:11PM: Glenn has been furiously typing behind me. WHAT IF HE HAS HIS OWN BLOG AND HE’S LIVE BLOGGING ABOUT ME. “7:10PM: Dumb Erin just twirled her stupid hair again.” IT IS A NERVOUS HABIT OK. I actually recently read that there’s a psychological disorder associated with manic hair touching/twirling/braiding/tugging. If that’s true, then I’ve got it.
7:29PM: Virginia just said, “Have a nice weekend!” as she left and Glenn responded to her. I snapped my head back and said, “She was only talking to me.” Meanwhile, Sandy just forwarded me an email that Bossy Glenn sent out regarding a rush. Yeah, Glenn. Everyone’s jumping.
He could at least say thank you.
8:04PM: Oh my god, the funniest thing ever just happened Glenn just fell!!!! He tripped over the cleaning person’s vaccuum thing and then broke it and asked if he could fix it because he is obsessed with appliances! And the cleaning person accused him of harassment! Probably because of the way he said he’s good with hoses. And I was like, “It’s OK lady, he’s just naturally creepy.” Just kidding. NOTHING FUNNY IS HAPPENING BECAUSE IT IS BORING LATE SHIFT WITH BORING GLENN.
8:32PM: I MADE IT! But I had to ride down in the elevator with Glenn for an extra one-minute kick in the pants. Then he was like “Is Henry here yet?” as if he cares that I may be stumbling around downtown in the dark. I said “Yeah, he just sits out there…” And Glenn said, “Just like how he spends most of his life: waiting for YOU.” YEAH AND HE LIKES IT!
I’m on my way home now. Told Henry that people were real excited for the Glenn-centric live blog event and he mumbled, “I seriously doubt that.”