OMG a blog repost and it’s not even Throwback Thursday or Flashback Friday, how dare I. Anyway, this is an excerpt from this post because I just ate at Melt again over the weekend & I apparently even get nostalgic over Grilled Cheeses I Have Eaten.
Here is what Henry has to say about his lunch at Melt.
Me, watching Henry wash the dishes last night: What was on your sandwich?
Henry, in his standard indignant tone: It was a gyro melt.
(I guess this means we’re supposed to figure it out on our own.)
Me: OK, no one cares anyway. How sad were you that you couldn’t sit next to Jason and dish secretly about root beer like two little 1950’s school girls?
Henry, maintaining his Man of Few Words image: I wasn’t.
Me, as Henry takes a hearty swig of Faygo Cola. Dish washing is hard work, ya’ll: What was harder to wrap your mouth around, your sandwich or the words “I do” in 1993.
Henry: Why do you have to do that.
Me: Seriously, which one?
Henry, adopting his “You’re pushing me” high-pitched squawk that I hate so much yet cause so often: I don’t know! Let it go!
(He hates being reminded of That Time in his life.)
Me, furiously scribbling in my important “I’m Interviewing Henry!” notebook (it has monsters on it): If you could have your own sandwich on the Melt menu, what would be on it?
Henry, trying to make my dinner at this point, so you would think I would back off lest a generous sprinkle of rat poison fall into the pot: I don’t know!
(This is assuming Henry has any imagination, but it would probably be some sort of flesh marinated in Faygo and served on a bed of emasculation, with a bandanna as a napkin.)
Me: Did you think our waitress was hot?
Henry: [Looks at me suspiciously and slowly says no. This means YES.]
Me: What about the guy who refilled your iced tea?
Henry, in a flat tone: No, I didn’t pay attention.
(This means he’s already downloaded busboy porn.)
Me: How disappointed were you that none of our lunch companions remarked upon your striking resemblance to serial killer Ed Kemper?
Henry, playing Bakery Story on his phone at this point: I wasn’t.
Me: If you found a finger in your sandwich, would you
- Pull it out and set it aside, then puke in a flower pot;
- Eat it. Meat is meat and they know what they’re doing at Melt;
- Use it to replace the butt plug you lost during the Great Marital Separation of 2001.
These crack me up, always! I feel like I’m there with you, asking him questions and seeing his face turn purple from frustration.
;) I wish he would be more cooperative these days!
I’ve read this three times so far and I lose it every time. Please do more of these. The next time I see Henry, I will also conduct an interview. I case you forget any questions.
ohhh how this ruled.