Me: “Isn’t it weird how I’ve only had a moderate interest in Kurt Travis since 2004, and now all of a sudden I’m like OMG?”
Henry: “No. Because you’re Erin.”
********
When you’re feeling some type of way….
I was listening to the Kurt Travis-era Dance Gavin Dance albums last week and it was like something just clicked in my head, and I was hearing all of these songs I’ve heard 800x with brand new ears. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that, even though I liked Kurt before he joined DGD, I was pretty salty that he was replacing Jonny Craig.
(However, I have been really into Kurt’s current band A Lot Like Birds from the get-go, so who knows what goes on in my head.)
I’m sharing “Happiness” today because–ouch. It’s like when we put on the fake plastic smiles while our insides are being fisted by sadness and despair. Sometimes, it’s not palpable problems that have us feeling down, but it’s more of the abstract adversity in our heads. I think we can all relate to that.
Lately, I’ve been the equivalent of a Victorian broad passed out on a fainting sofa with her arm slung dramatically across her forehead, and for no real, discernible reason other than unresolved feelings coming to a frothing head, I guess. This is when music sounds the best to me. Not gonna lie: sometimes I crave these feelings because it makes me feel alive.
And also because it drives Henry crazy. I’ll play the same 2 second part of a song over and over and scream, “DID YOU HEAR IT THIS TIME?! WHERE HIS VOICE CHANGES A LITTLE BIT?! DOESN’T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO DIEEEEEE????” and he just looks at me like I’m nuts.
I’ve made him listen to “Happiness” approx. 87 times over the last week and he is like, “Nope. It still doesn’t make me sad.” So then of course that makes me probe him about his crying threshold. He said he would “probably” cry if I died, but not if I was just injured. And then he started listing random injuries as examples and it was making my wrists do that thing where they get extremely sensitive so I was begging him to stop talking and he was like “YOU STARTED IT.” And that’s the last conversation we had last night before falling asleep.
My favorite parts of this song are when Kurt says “over and over” because it makes my heart drop a little, and the line “waking up for what” because haven’t we all wondered that from time to time? I wish I could crawl inside this song and curl myself up against its soft entrails. DRAMATIC SIGH.
*******
Over the weekend, Henry happened to glance at phone and he noticed that my lock screen image is still Jonny Craig. “SERIOUSLY YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED THAT PICTURE YET?!” he asked incredulously, tinged with disgust.
I’m sorry! I know I said I quit Jonny Craig a year ago, and I swear to god I do hate that guy and I haven’t bought the Slaves album or his last solo album and I didn’t go see him the last 3 or 4 times he was in Pittsburgh, but it’s like a 12-step program, OK? I’ll admit that I only just unfollowed him on Instagram about 4 months ago.
Baby steps.
So I finally swapped my lock screen picture for one of Kurt Travis and Henry is like, “THIS IS NOT PROGRESS” but I’m doing the best I can, OK? At least Kurt is nice! (I met him in 2013!)
Also, LOL:
7 Responses to “Happiness.”
Say it don't spray it.
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I hear you, sister. It’s literally like when people say they woke up on teh wrong side of the bed. That’s how I am with sadness, or malaise, or whatever. It changes with the wind and I don’t always have a “reason,” like “I got fired” or “I’m fighting with my husband.” It’s just a FEELING that maybe I woke up with so step off, you know? LET ME WALLOW IN MY SADNESS FOR A MINUTE! Heh.
That song is super sad, but pretty.
Also, I swear I’m not a creep, but I found you through twitter!
That makes me happy! Thank you for telling me – I always just assume that there are only 5 ppl reading!
have you ever heard his old band oh the joy?
Yes! But not until after the fact. The one I really liked while they were still actually together was Five Minute Ride. I listened to them, Gatsby’s, Armor For Sleep, Open Hand all around the same time so it brings back memories of a realllly good time in my life, musically!
Henry doesn’t get it, but I do. I get that there can be a slight change in the tempo that drops your heart to your stomach, or a single note that gives you instant full body chills. I practically have a playlist for my depression. It’s always the same stuff – old The Used, From Autumn to Ashes, old Atreyu. Lately SWS has been on repeat for me.
I know you can relate <3 I love hearing about what it feels like for other people, and what bands/songs does it for them. Thank you for sharing this with me!
“DOESN’T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO DIEEEEEE????” and he just looks at me like I’m nuts.”
These reminders that the mere mortals don’t feel the music like we do. I wonder what sorts of things make them feel? Or maybe they don’t? I don’t understand them, and they don’t understand us.
and Henry is like, “THIS IS NOT PROGRESS”
Yes it is! And unfollowing him on Instagram is pretty big progress, because it means no more fucks given about what he’s doing. Good on you. Baby steps, yes.