The local Memorial Day parade goes right past my house every year. It’s not anything major with cool floats and lip-synching pseudo pop stars, but it still brings us out of the house every year. Henry enjoys it because THE SERVICE, Chooch likes it for the candy, and I relish it for the pure mockery factor. Actually, I kind of regret not live-blogging it, but in all honesty, nothing fantastic really happened, so here are the highlights, if that’s what you want to call them:
- Chooch got to see his current girlfriend Cassie do a handspring-type thing when she strolled past with her dance troupe.
- I refused to wave back to any of the cops who crept past in their bullymobiles and Henry was SO MAD at me for that, but I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONES ARE THE GOOD ONES, OK?
- I waved to the firemen though. They can stay.
- One of the dads from Chooch’s old school was canvassing the area, passing out Jesus literature probably. He stopped and handed his leaflet to the neighbors, but when he got to the end of our sidewalk, there was a brief flicker of recognition, and he kept walking. “Nope. Nope nope nope.”
- I actually had to talk to him a few days later at Chooch’s spring concert because ironically, his kids go to Chooch’s current school now too (OMG PUBLIC SCHOOL) and Chooch and his kid are kind of friends I guess, I don’t know. I was really proud of myself for being civil to him and brought it up later to Henry. Like, “Didn’t you see me being nice to that guy? Will you buy me something?” Because every nice thing I do should be rewarded.
- THE SHRINERS! I always think of one of my old work friends from the dreaded meat factory, because years and years ago he was downtown for one of the parades and his daughter, who was sitting on the curb, had her LEG RAN OVER BY ONE OF THE SHRINERS! I brought that up on Monday, as they did wheelies* in front of our house and Henry pointed out that she probably got pretty well taken care of since the Shriners have their own hospital, so then I started imagining them carting her off in the back of a minikin ambulance to a backyard playhouse version of a hospital.
- *I screamed YESSSS!!! in a manly roar for one of the wheelies and Henry gave me that “I hate when you do that” look.
- My favorite part, other than “the end,” was when a group of kids came past with some church and Henry was like, “Look, it’s the Troubled Youth of Brookline” and one of them was like a half-scene kid so I was like, “THESE ARE MY PEOPLE.” They looked sullen and angsty and one of them straight whaled a handful of candy straight into the faces of the adults sitting on the sidewalk, and that actually made Henry laugh and HENRY DOESN’T LAUGH AT PARADES THAT HONOR THIS COUNTRY, FOLKS. So it was a big deal.
- My work friend Elaina was in the parade! She was walking with her niece’s dance school, and I think that’s actually the same group that Chooch’s g-friend was with. So that was the first time in the history of my parade-spectating that I gave someone a genuine wave in lieu of my typical sarcastic hand swipes!
- We missed the parade last year because we were in Allentown for that stupid Jonny Craig/Slaves show. If we weren’t there, DID IT STILL HAPPEN!?
- This was the first year since moving to Brookline in 1999 that there were no cats in my house tripping over themselves on their way to cower in the basement. They HATED the parade. My first Memorial Day in this place, I had no fucking idea what was going on other than HOLY SHIT THE WORLD IS ENDING TAKE COVER!
- FUN FACT: I missed the parade in 2012 because I had to WORK, and Henry texted me to say that some dumb bitch from one of the high school bands threw her empty water bottle in our yard and you best believe I went straight to that high school’s website and emailed the band director and the principal because Brookline is filthy enough without some neighboring town band dork tossing her trash in it!
- All of the neighbor kids were being pouty brats, Chooch included. People are literally chucking candy at you, what is there not to like about that!?
- Speaking of the neighbors, they all had chairs set up on the sidewalk, but Henry and I were like, “That’s OK. We’re good back here on the porch.”
- You might recognize that telephone pole in the pictures from when that DRUNK GUY PASSED OUT AND WE HAD TO CALL 9/11! WE SAVED A LIFE, YOU GUYS.
- Second FUN FACT of this post: This is actually a new telephone pole because two years ago, some broad crashed into when we were at Kennywood and Hot Naybor Chris texted Henry to tell him not to panic, but our yard was covered in Caution tape. It took them (“them”) nearly a full year to finally replace the jerry-rigged temporary pole with a new one. We were afraid to walk past the temporary one!
Then we went to Living Treasures with Janna! I will be back later with that totally exciting write-up.