WTFtweets, Memorial Day Weekend edition

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 12:29 Wish Henry would stop using double negatives in front of Chooch. Sure I taught him how to swear, but at least he’s grammatically correct. #
• 16:35 It’s nice when Henry calls my friends behind my back to beg them to keep me out of the house. #
• 20:19 God forbid I say that I have high standards in girls and have Henry & Alisha not laugh. #
  

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• 11:26 Of all the delightful recipes given to me on LiveJournal, I think I accidentally picked the one that requires the most effort on my part. #
• 13:57 Henry is trying to sabotage my cookout contribution because he doesn’t want everyone to know how AWESOME I CAN BE!!!! #
• 14:35 Experiment in Terror by Al Caiola is the perfect apple peeling music. #
• 15:25 I can’t believe people willingly slice apples for a living. Six apples later & I think 2 of my knuckles have collapsed. #
• 16:04 Janna made a salad & my two least favorite vegetables are in the name so I already know I hate it. I’ll refer to it as Ovechkin Salad. #
• 16:29 Alisha had a crush on Atreyu from Neverending Story because she thought he was a girl. #
• 18:37 Estrogen. Have you ever drowned in it. #
• 19:00 #thingieball circle edition. #
• 20:54 Best Uno game ever in my backyard, bitch holes. #
• 21:09 Best Memorial weekend cookout I ever done have. #
• 21:32 My neighbors probably think we’re having a cock fight down here, but its motherfucking Uno. #
  

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• 09:59 Hangover or not, I wouldn’t for the world miss the shitty Memorial parade that shits past my house. Perfect for asshole hecklers like me. #
• 10:03 OH BOY a plane flew real low & now Henry’s being an expert because it is in fact a plane of his ppl. And by ppl I mean the MILITARY. #
• 10:22 I’m not joining in on all this police applause. #
• 10:33 TJMaxx is basically synonymous w/ Memorial Day so of course they’d have a car in the parade, complete w/ a girl flicking out a cig butt #
• 10:38 twitpic.com/5x8jp – I’d get so many chicks if this was my ride. #
• 10:43 So far the highlight has been all the boy & girl scouts trying to sidestep the smashed rabbit carcass in front of my house. #
• 10:58 I’m like “That was a gay parade” at the same time Henry’s mom gushed, “that was a nice parade!” #
• 12:18 Want to ask this dude how much his Jesus picture is but he won’t stop having sexy flea market talk w/ some old broad. God, fuck already. #
• 12:26 You never expect to take a fart to the face when looking at jewelry. Well, at least not twice. #
• 17:41 I sustained legitimate #thingieball-related muscle soreness. A souvenir of Lesbian Takeover Nite that I will gladly cherish. #
• 17:58 Wish I could tweet the tone Henry uses when I ask stupid questions. #
• 19:00 No Kate Gosselin, you’re not green. You’re fucking orange. #
• 19:38 @alysonc3 for some ungodly reason, I used to sort of like her, but now I’m all “Go Jon, get yo’self laid!” #
• 20:37 They just don’t make Skip-Its like they used to. Which is I guess why they’re not called Skip-Its anymore. #
• 21:40 The new season brings us a de-oranged Kate. Still has that douche-drapery hanging over her right eye though. #
  

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• 09:49 Oh I have policies alright. I’m just not sure what they are yet. Aside from You Clog It You Clean It. #
• 09:50 And: You Kill It You Bury It. But Not In My Backyard. #
• 11:22 Obviously the theme of 2009 has been Learn Who Your Real Friends Are. Instead of sulking, I’ve weeded out the bad ones & made new ones. #
• 12:34 Henry inherited his story-telling skills from his mom. I usually stop attempting to follow along after the first oft-nonsensical sentence. #
• 12:35 And then I want to ask him if he’d like to talk about the stroke I never knew he had. #
• 14:37 Henry, you sly little matchmaker you. #
• 20:04 Aside from Cam Ward, I just don’t hate any of these Hurricanes & that makes me sad. #
• 20:41 Come on Crosby, give us something fancy! #letsgopens #
• 20:51 And I just learned I didn’t have to peel the apples that went into my salad on Sunday. MOTHERFUCK. #
• 21:58 SWEEEEEEEEP! #
• 22:00 I’m officially crying!! #letsgopens #
• 22:11 @alysonc3 I NEED THAT! I was like “they should have a machine for this” & Alisha goes “uh, they do & its called a corer.” #
• 22:37 My cocky three-year-old just sneered & said, “I’m not scared of you.” WTFsies. #
• 00:10 So maybe listening to Frank Turner while drinking wine isn’t the best idea I’ve had lately, it still feels fucking good to just FEEL. #

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