Jun 182015
 

It’s Thursday motherhummers! I don’t know what that means other than I’m stuffing my e-BB gun with random words and firing it off into the world wide web. Or, you know, here are some bullet points:

  •  I mentioned the other day that I had a story about the whitetrashtastic lady in line at the Sleeping With Sirens show on Saturday, but I didn’t want to sully that particular post with the sordid details. Here’s why: Somehow, the topic of Walmart arose, I think the teenagers in front of her were talking about People of Walmart or something, and she took that as her cue to be a buttinsky*. “You know what my son does?” her gravelly words busted the kids’ faces with the essence of nicotine and IC Light. “He takes a bunch of dollar bills, right? And goes into the bathroom at Walmart, takes a shit and then wipes his ass with the bills. Then he goes back out into the store and throws all of the dollar bills up in the air and watches as people scramble for them. Then they has’ta peel the bills apart on account of ’em being stuck together with shit!” And then, while her small audience stood there with varying expressions of shock and disgust, her hysterical cackle faded into a coughing fit. “What did she say?” Chooch hissed to me. I just kept shaking my head and saying, “Nothing. Nope. Not a thing.” Like, if I found out my kid was doing literal shit like that, I would NOT be broadcasting it with a bunch of strangers, like he’s some fucking war hero.
    • *Motherhummers and buttinsky in the same post, I think I woke up in a G-rated movie.
    • I never want to touch another dollar bill ever again. DEBIT CARD FOREVER.
  • In case you were wondering, the answer is YES I’m still obsessed with succulents. In fact, I have a bunch more that I need to introduce to everyone but every time I sit down to do it, I feel inspired to scour the internet for more succulents! Yesterday, when it was time for my lunch break, I stood up and announced to Glenn and Todd, “I’m going to make some coffee and then when I come back, I’m going to write in my blog about my plants.” There were responses were a mod podge of “how exciting”s and “wow, I can’t wait”s.
    • Janna came over Monday night because we were going to see a movie but first I had to take her on a tour of all of my downstairs windowsills in order to introduce her to all of my babes. She did a good job pretending to be interested! Probably swigged some ‘tussin before she came over.
  • Speaking of movies and Janna, I went to see the Kurt Cobain docu-drama Soaked In Bleach at the Hollywood Theater, which is an independent movie theater a few blocks away from my house IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T GOOGLE STREET VIEWED MY ADDRESS in a while. Originally, there was only going to be one viewing of this film and it was last Thursday but I was working late shift. I was sad. But then Courtney Love’s attorney started sending cease and desist to the handful of theaters around the country who had the balls to show it and I guess some of the theaters actually backed down. But not my Hollywood Theater! They answered by offering three more viewings!
    • Janna was excited because the concession stand had cans of Surge. She ordered one and then had the nerve to ask for a cup of ice to go with it. It’s no Robitussin, but it’ll do, she said.
  • Oh right, so the movie! It was interesting. A lot of the information I already knew from the Kurt & Courtney documentary that came out in the late 90s, but this was one was still interesting because the whole film was from the POV of the private investigator that Courtney hired to “find Kurt” several days before his death. He had grown immediately suspicious of Courtney and began recording all of his conversations with her, and many of those were played throughout the film. I will say this: If you walked into that theater adamantly believing that Kurt Cobain shot himself, you would probably find yourself leaving with A LOT to think about. I was already part of the Murder Camp before seeing this and it just solidified a lot of my doubts about the case, and also made me really sad. I was 14 when all of this happened, and it was definitely one of those “Where Were You When…” situations for me. I’ll never forget hearing the news on MTV. I wasn’t a rabid Nirvana fan, but I liked them and Kurt was already such an icon back then, that it was surreal, so hard to believe that he was gone, just like that. And it makes you wonder what could have been….where would Nirvana be now if 4/8/1994 hadn’t happened? Would they still be active, making relevant music, or would they be washed-up? It drives me mad when I get sucked into these what-if whirlpools.
    • Chooch and I have been doing this thing where I pick an old(er) band and teach him about them, because I think it’s important to have a good musical foundation. He doesn’t have to like it, but he should still know about bands like FOR INSTANCE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD: the Beatles and Joy Division, et al. A few weeks ago, I was teaching him about Tool and A Perfect Circle, and he said, “Ooooh, I know this song! It was on when Daddy was taking me to get a Skylander last week” and Henry just groaned, “He is so much like you.” Because I associate music with every little seemingly insignificant event in my life! So my point to this ramble is that seeing Soaked in Bleach inspired me to talk to Chooch about the whole Thing. I told him that the first CD I ever bought was Nevermind, after I got a stereo with a real life CD player on it in middle school. Chooch was like, “Seriously, you remember what your first CD was?” and kind of rolled his eyes like he doubted me, to which I cried, “Of course I do! Why wouldn’t I?! Music is LIFE!” He already knows of Nirvana, but not the Kurt and Courtney stuff, so we stayed up late last night and watched Nirvana videos on YouTube while I explained the whole story and then he was like, “Put on one of her videos” so we watched the video for “Doll Parts” together and Chooch decided two things:
      • “She sounds like Nickelback.”
      • “It sounds to me like she was mad. She wasn’t getting enough attention and was mad because Kurt was better than her.”  A+++
  • My Marcy tattoo has healed so beautifully and I could just cry!
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  • I had a work dream the other night (who am I kidding: most of my dreams are about work; that might be a problem) where A-ron decided that he was going to start wearing suits to work. But he wanted crazy suits, so who did he come to? Me. “I want to be like the Don Cherry of [name of our dept],” he explained, and I was like, “K…but I’ve never made a suit before.” He was all, “It’ll be fine, be creative!” and when he walked away, Amber (Please Hurry Back From Maternity Leave)2 turned around and said, “Don’t do it. This will ruin your work friendship!” But I liked the challenge of making him crazy suits so I ignored Amber’s advice and got down to drawing and gluing things on two blank suits. One was a Pizza in Space theme and the other was this completely in-your-face shimmery, Liberace-Goes-to-a-Cookout suit in patriotic hues with hot dogs floating all over. I guess I was in a food-mood before I went to bed, who knows. Anyway, I was pretty proud of them but A-ron was irritated that I wasn’t working faster and that I had only completed two suits by this point, when I knew that he had a music video to film (????). I yelled, “I’VE NEVER MADE AN EFFING SUIT BEFORE, A-RON! MAYBE ASK GAYLE* NEXT TIME!” because she knows sew-y things, and he was just a jerk to me about it! And then he filmed his stupid music video, which was literally just him walking around in a circle while a generic beat played and a bunch of people from our department stood around cheering him on and I was like “FOR WHAT?!” Meanwhile, Todd was pissed because all he wanted to do was get into the refrigerator but all of A-ron’s suit-groupies were blocking the way. And I was supposed to get credit for making those dumb suits, A-ron promised me a shout out in the credits of his music video, but THERE WAS NOTHING. So the first time I saw him at work the next day, I had a terrible flashback and blurted out, “OMG I’m so mad at you!”
    • A-ron told me today that he heard Pizza Hut is coming out with hotdog-stuffed crust pizza. GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, PIZZA HUT.
    • I’m sorry, but those suits were fucking spectacular.
    • *Gayle knows how to do sew-y activities.
    • Speaking of Amber (Please Hurry Back From Maternity Leave)2 she came in to visit last week with her baby and I didn’t even hide from her like I normally do when people bring babies into work! It was nice seeing her and her little baby boy AND I WANTED HER TO STAY FOR THE REST OF THE DAY AND WORK.
  • I’M GOING TO A LAVENDER FESTIVAL ON SATURDAY! (You know, if it’s not storming all day.) Thanks to my friend Kara for the heads up — she’s always looking out for my interests! I can’t wait to choke on lavender-flavored foods.
  • But seriously, since we were chatting briefly up there about A Perfect Circle, how great was this song? I used to obsess over the extra “ooh” at 2:54 and Henry would cry exasperatedly, “Yes, I heard it! God!” I love when songs have that split second moment that throttle my heart.

  • We were at Lowe’s on Saturday buying succulents (duh) when I grabbed a bottle of flavored sparkling water by the register. “You don’t like that,” Henry said. This made me angry. Don’t tell me what I don’t like! I insisted that I did in fact like sparkling water, and then Chooch wanted a bottle too and Henry was like, “OK but you assholes aren’t going to like it.” Chooch took one swig in the parking lot and acted like he had imbibed straight battery acid. “THIS IS AWFUL!” he cried,  thrusting the bottle at me. I took a sip from my own bottle and Henry was waiting for me to gag and pantomime my own death, but I gave him no reaction. Then I proceeded to spend the next two days slowly finishing my bottle AND Chooch’s bottle because I am just that stubborn.
    • I eventually admitted that I didn’t like it though and Henry was like, “No shit.”
  • Me: “do you think your job will ever give you a heart attack?” Henry: “No, that’d be you.” Walked right into that one.
  • I changed my relationship status to “In an Open Relationship” on Facebook and HENRY’S ROOMMATE FROM THE SERVICE commented on it and said “Henry just buy the girl a ring already. You can have a long engagement.” Henry was like OMG PLZ DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO HIM DON’T TALK TO MY FRIENDS!!!! The fear in his eyes was real. That was the closest any of his Friends From Another Life have come to interacting with me!

Ugh, I know I had so much more to tell you, Blog. Oh well. Bad day.

 

  7 Responses to “Bullet(s) for Blogmona”

  1. New to the party here, but love what I have read so far on these here pages. I would have classified the motherhummers and buttinsky as WWE PG Era, (as opposed to the much cooler Attitude Era). Allow Seth Rollins to explain, even while doing a Burgher’s best pastime, ripping Cleveland (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnFrMZPMDqM). Johnny Idiot-face, really?
    I recall my first CD purchase as well, “Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me” by The Cure, which I bought so I would have something to listen to in my Discman while avoiding adults at a family reunion.

  2. I really like Tool and A Perfect Circle. Well, okay, some of their stuff. Some of it makes me want to pop my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon.

    Your tattoo is amazing. I love it.

  3. “Because I associate music with every little seemingly insignificant event in my life!”

    Other people don’t?

    I love that you took the time to sit down and actually converse with Riley about important musical events, and about older bands. I know it might not seem important to him now, the origins of all the good stuff, but someday it will all make sense, and he’ll be happy you gave a shit enough to talk to him. Well done.

    And your tattoo, wow.

    I’m interested in seeing the Kurt & Courtney stuff.

  4. I don’t think our independent theater showed that doc. If they did they probably took it down when asked. I do want to see it though. I was also 14 when it happened. I remember my friends crying in the hallways at school and I was like “What is wrong with you people?!” Most people just jumped on the sad bandwagon back then. I was still listening to MJ, Brandy, Mariah Carey, Warren G, Snoop Dogg, Janet Jackson, etc.. The alternative scene probably didn’t get my attention until the next year and I switched so fast my head spun.

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