Jul 042015

I’m not a very patriotic person, so July 4th is just another day to me. Instead of fighting the crowds to ogle fireworks, I’m going to sit on my front porch and watch Brookline pop off. But first! Here’s a collection of bulleted nonsense that my brain has been collecting over the last week.

  • Every 4th of July, when I’m flipping thru the channels and inevitably run across “Independence Day”, my crush on Bill Pullman is temporarily revived. I went to see “Casper” twice in the theater because of him for Christ’s sake. While my friend Keri and every other young girl back then was going heart-eyed over Devon Sawa, I was like TAKE ME, BILL PULLMAN. Good lord.
    • I just asked Henry if he thinks anything like that could ever happen one day and he lazily shrugged and murmured, “Who knows. Anything is possible.” YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST, FOLKS. WHO KNOWS ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
    • But for real guys: Bill Pullman, John Cusack, Paul Coffey. Those were my older man crushes of the nineties. (Oh, and also this guy from vacation.)
  • I keep trying to watch the first episode of this season’s Hannibal and I CANNOT GET INTO IT. Is this why it was canceled? Does it keep getting worse? I used to love this show!
  • You know what show I am  totally into, though? CNN’s “The Seventies.” Absolutely riveting! I have always felt like I was born too late in life. I would have rocked the seventies! The first episode was all about television from the decade, and there was a brief mention of Battle of the Network Stars which made Henry mumble, “Oh no….” because I went through a HEAVY OBSESSION with those specials about 12 years ago when some channel was running a marathon. I even pulled out a blank VHS tape and RECORDED some! I became infatuated with Robert Conrad and saying “What’s all the hullabaloo?” and “It’s the limit!” and had all of these t-shirts that I wanted to make but Henry was like, “This is dumb and I don’t want to help you.”
    • But then a few years later, he helped me make my Asshole Parade shirt, which had his face on it*, so that makes a lot of sense.
      • *Fun fact: my mom actually commented on that blog post and said, “Your [sic] sick.” LOL.
      • I gotta dig that shirt out of the closet….
        • OH SNAP:


  • I was lamenting to Henry about how I still only have two wheelchairs in my collection, like that was going to make him run out and rob a haunted asylum. Oh well. Here’s my wheelchair nook (my other wheelchair is in the garage for the time being):


  • Last week, we were watching a Glastonbury 2014 broadcast on Palladium; Johnny Marr was one of the performers, which made me ask Henry, “What was that one band I liked pre-Chooch and Johnny Matt produced their one album?” What a shocker, Henry didn’t know. But don’t worry because I worked it out on my own and then I kept playing songs for him on Spotify until he eventually said “YEAH OK I REMEMBER” but I think he just wanted to make me stop thrusting my phone into his ear.
    • The band was Haven, in case you were wondering, and they were pretty good! I think I liked them for at least 6 straight months.

  • Today, Chooch conned us into seeing Jurassic World and I realized that we haven’t all seen a movie in the theater together since Thor. THOR! Chooch and I have gone together a few times, I’ve gone with friends or by myself, Chooch has gone with Janna, but today as only the second time in Chooch’s nine years of life that we’ve gone as a family. We are SO UNAMERICAN.
    • I cried through 4 of the 6 previews and then basically the entire movie because my emotions slip right through my grasp like dicks through Astroglided fists.
      • Jurassic World was really good, though! Even though it made me ruin yet another pair of contacts. (Tears + contacts = thumbs down.) I only wanted to see it because of Chris Pratt, though. Obviously.
        • Chris Pratt fan since the “Everwood” days, thanks very much.


  • ^^^^In case you were wondering, Henry still sucks at texting.
    • I’m going to name one of my new plants Ljubljan.
      • (Yes, I have new plants!!!!! NINE OF THEM!!!!)
  • On our way home from the movie, we were a few blocks away from our house when we drove past what appeared to be the aftermath of some teenager hitting an old lady with his bicycle. My plan was to run back up there after dumb Henry parked the car in our driveway, but then I got distracted by the asshole who was driving ridiculously slow in front of us and when I’m consumed by fury, everything else pretty much goes out the window.
  • The other day at work, Gayle was bitching about her hatred for video games. “Do you know the only game that was available when I was a teen?” she asked. “TIDDLYWINKS!” I screamed, but she was already answering her own question. (It was Pong, but I was still too busy cracking up at my answer to hear where she was going with this.)
  • YOU GUYS AMBER THE SECOND IS BACK! She returned from maternity leave on Wednesday and I almost cried when I saw her face! Then I made her leave her desk because I had a container of lemon ricotta welcome back cookies for her (I made Henry bake them the night before even though he wanted to go to bed early), and I wanted them to be a surprise.
    • She seemed to go through a gamut of emotions when she returned to her desk. Excitement at seeing cookies, hesitation when she realized they were from me, relief when I told her Henry made them.
    • Then she made Glenn blow up the yoga ball she brought in to use in lieu of a chair and it was the highlight of my whole week! 
  •  After overhearing Back-To-Work Amber talk about having a quarter life crisis, I said to Glenn, “Pfft, quarter life. I’m having a WHOLE life crisis.” Glenn made a cabbage-face and mumbled, “Yeah, and it’s spilling over into other people’s lives, too.”
  • Speaking of Dumb Glenn, I was eating a Chobani watermelon yogurt on Thursday. Amber1 stopped by and we were discussing it, because these are the sorts of stimulating conversations we have at The Law Firm, who’s eating what yogurt today, and I told her that it was actually Henry’s yogurt and I took it anyway, and that it was only OK, but the fact that I swiped it from Henry made it taste a little better, I guess. And then Glenn piped up from his desk that he also had eaten that same flavor of yogurt that day and I cried, “SHUT UP, GLENN, NO YOU DIDN’T” but then he pulled the empty container out of his garbage can and UGH you guys, it was true. Glenn and I ate the same yogurt on Thursday and this made me very mad.
    • The only good thing about Thursday was that Glenn made a mistake numbering something and I got to smugly correct it and then belittle him for being stupid.
  • My blogging goal for July is to write about/mention cabbage in every post. Because that won’t get old fast.
    • Cabbage is my spirit animal.


  • I might not be a beer aficionado, but I am kind of a cider snob. This stuff was OK and I would drink it again, but it didn’t make me want to break out the Thesaurus and write a 10,000 review like MY YELP ENEMY WOULD.


  • #spoonselfie
  • Man, I gotta make those Robert Conrad shirts for real now.

OK, it’s almost time to spectate the drunks who shamble past my house every weekend. Way better than fireworks!

UPDATE: power’s out in Brookline! Henry thinks someone blew up a transformer whatever that means. So now all the neighbors are outside bitching in the pitch black while fireworks explode all around us and it sounds like a goddamn warzone. Chooch just said, “thank God I finished in the bathroom before the power went out!” Yes, thank god. 

Another EDIT: going on an hour of no power, still sitting outside. Henry just said to Chooch, “fuck, you’re annoying in the light, and even worse in the dark.”

Then I pointed to the sky and yelled, “Ooh is that one of those lanterns?!” Henry, in that cocky tone he adopts when he’s about to school me, started to say, “No!” But then slowly realized it actually was a lantern and muttered, “Yes.”

Hi I’m back! EDIT: Power’s still out, Chooch just told me the names of fingers (“And this is the pointer…”), and Henry smells like toilet water. THIS IS BROOKLINE LIVING, PEOPLE. 

  5 Responses to “Red, White & Bullets”

  1. oh, devon sawa. those were the days.

  2. I had completely forgotten about Devon Sawa. Wow. I was definitely in love with him at that point in my life. What in the hell was that text from Henry even supposed to say?

  3. I love reading your work stories. I live vicariously through them. I desperately want to write about the idiots I work with but I can’t because my boss knows about my blog and has already scalded me for it. I had just endured through a 7 minute conversation about our Utah weather with a coworker that has to stop by my desk every time he comes back from the toilet.

    I may need to try these ricotta lemon cookies, they sound amazing!

  4. I felt as you did about the new season of Hannibal, and I can assure you it gets better.

    Okay, here are the parts that are making me lose it. There are scary electricians outside my door so I hope they don’t start knocking.

    “In case you were wondering, Henry still sucks at texting.

    I’m going to name one of my new plants Ljubljan.

    TIDDLYWINKS!” I screamed,

    Then she made Glenn blow up the yoga ball she brought in to use in lieu of a chair and it was the highlight of my whole week!

    Glenn made a cabbage-face and mumbled, “Yeah, and it’s spilling over into other people’s lives, too.”

    but then he pulled the empty container out of his garbage can and UGH you guys, it was true. Glenn and I ate the same yogurt on Thursday and this made me very mad. ”

    Glenn. So righteous in his sarcasm and yogurt eating. I am so happy you posted a photo of him blowing up the yoga ball though. This could be used as very serious blackmail in the future, so he knows.

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