Jun 082009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:43 June, you have barely begun and already I want to hump you. #
  • 01:47 Henry whored me out. #
  • 10:13 Thinking negatively has worked quite well for me thus far. Especially when I was hoping I didn’t have AIDs. #
  • 13:14 Since it’s Henry’s birthday, I think he should buy me a new coffee mug at the Arts Festival. #
  • 13:38 Henry tripped over a sandbag & I laughed riotously to which Alisha replied, “Really? Because you did the same thing like 3x already.” #
  • 13:45 My street team, we are bumbling retards. “You do it! No you do it!” #
  • 14:15 Just learned that Alisha and I would not fare well on the same relay team. #
  • 14:41 twitpic.com/6rffv – Downtown Pittsburgh is severely lacking in metal surfaces. #
  • 15:41 Alisha, with me under her (mean) wing: If you’re going to walk downtown, you’re going to do it right. #
  • 16:31 Zany Circus guy just asked if it’s anyone’s birthday & Henry gave me a serious Don’t You Dare glare. #
  • 16:42 twitpic.com/6rst8 – She’s filling in for me; had a slight case of appendicitus today. #
  • 18:02 Listening to Your Best Friend after a dayful of laffs @ Arts Festival, closest I’ve felt to my beloved Summer of ’98. A+, would relive. #
  • 18:04 Me, as we’re sitting here zoning out: “It’s like Quiet Time.” Alisha: “Except you ruined it by talking.” She totally missed my voice though #
  • 19:00 twitpic.com/6s80h – Henry’s feeling frisky on his birthday, tackles his son. #
  • 21:58 It’s like the Penguins are playing with a bunch of tempermental Erins out there. #
  • 22:03 Alisha’s trying to get Henry to talk about what D-Day was like. #
  • 22:07 I want to see my sinister cat Marcy out there on a line with Satan, coat the puck with some goat blood and get a few dozen goals. #
  • 22:41 It’s sad when talent is overshadowed by temper. #
  • 22:49 Brightside: Hossa didn’t score? Srsly, Wings deserved that win. Pens were playing like a bunch of kids w/ broken bottles in an alley. What? #
  • 22:52 I don’t know why I’m laughing right now & not crying? Probably because it’s hard not to chuckle at a good folly. And I have sun poisoning. #
  • 23:11 But I’ll tell you what DOES make me cry: the lack of Boggle enthusiasm in my hizzy right now. Whatever. I’d win anyway. #

  • 02:43 It seems w/ Henry’s new age comes brand new tv-watching heavy breathing. Time for some belated birthday arsenic, I say. Or a clothes pin. #
  • 14:06 Chooch just helped himself at PetCo’s pet bar, and liked it too. #
  • 16:37 Luring Alisha over to the iCarly side of life. She was hooked halfway through one episode, though she tried to be covert with her smiling. #
  • 19:25 Quintessential old ppl sat behind us at dinner. Topics included: those young ppl, arthritis, “hold on, I have to take my pills.” #
  • 19:27 And Henry came to their defense, stating that only one was old. “The other was only about 50.” Wait, I thought—-? O.o #
  • 22:46 I have resorted to enlisting ChaCha to help me remember the name of my favorite 70s (80s?) French porn with the stuffed animal vignette. #
  • 23:37 Came across an old lj comment where i declared my rap name as “Prof. Lil’ Vaggie. B/C I be makin’ yo head spin w/ my philosophical jargon.” #

  • 00:05 Reflecting over the weekend’s tweets, I’ve learned to stop tweeting while walking. Walk-tweeting. Tweet-walking, Whatever, just don’t do it. #
  • 10:14 My apparent consolation for having a shitty mom is being inundated w/ food from her sister. I’m not entirely comfortable with this. #
  • 12:19 I think it’s less of a desire to help out her family, more of a chronic infatuation w/ browsing cereal to soft hits from the 80s. #
  • 12:39 Henry’s home, inspecting all the meat-laden products my aunt Sharon delivered, and asked “Does she not like you?” Um, duh. #

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AND NOW: A PLEA

Henry was just mentioning how he should be so thrilled that he has a girlfriend he can watch porn with, but instead he winds up annoyed and frustrated because my criteria is so specific. It has to be from the 70s. It has to be weird. It has to have some taboo elements to it (like Nightdreams, which is one of my all time faves. Hello, Satan and GOD are in it, and a Jack-in-the-Box. what’s not to love about that??). There are times when he’ll pop in a DVD and immediately I’m all “aw hell no, that girl’s voice is ruining it for me and I don’t like that she has a bruised thigh” or “I can tell immediately that I won’t like this one because that dude looks like you” or “I can tell by the music that this isn’t going to be scary enough, and right now in this moment I am desiring something scary” so then it’s back to the drawing board for him.

After he was complaining about it last night, he goes, “What do you like?? I will never understand your standards!” and I was like, “Hey remember that French porn you rented last summer? That was my favorite one ever, I think. Well, amaybe Clown Porn wins that title, but still — close second.”

Yes, last summer Henry rented this French porno from a small video shop nearby (sending Henry out to rent porn is way more rewarding to me than to see him cowardly downloading it). It was from the 70s and I enthused about it for weeks. Now I desperately would like to have it again. Except that I can’t remember what it was called, what year it was from specifically, and anyone who was in it.

OK seriously, if there are any porn afficionados out there, now’s the time to dip into your vault of XXX knowledge. Here is a small list of information, the best I can offer:

  1. It was French and sub-titled, from some part of the 70s.
  2. The plot had something to do with a reporter whose boss sent him out to interview several women about sex.
  3. The main guy looked to be in his late thirties and I think he was balding and not very attractive, but of course all these women were like, “Oh plz mister, let us give you just one quick blow job” and then he would sigh exasperatedly and mumble, “Oh alright.”
  4. He had a girlfriend/wife, but they were on the verge of breaking up
  5. One of the women he interviewed was a romance novel writer or something, and she got all her ideas from her dreams. In one of her dreams, she was in a kitchen and goes, “Give me your juicy carrot” and I remember groaning because that’s like something Janna would name a weener, but really this broad was actually fucking a juicy carrot.
  6. Another girl he interviewed had orgies with her stuffed animal collection.

PLEASE HELP ME LOCATE THIS CLASSY ADULT FILM.

I’m also forever on the prowl for Revolutionary War porn, so if anyone has any leads on that too, plz help this girlie-face out. And tell me to never refer to myself as ‘girlie-face’ ever again.


  11 Responses to “tweets and a desperate plea”

  1. 1) The baby chick episode is one of the funniest iCarly ones. So is the one where they all sneak into that teacher’s house and she’s got a Randy Jackson cutout in her closet. I am also partial to all the Nevel Pepperman eps and the one where Spencer makes a mini-golf thing.

    2) Pandora’s Mirror. Only one of the scenes is Revolutionary War. It’s very 70’s, though. The premise of it is that when Pandora looks into the mirror, she sees sex from different eras. One is a girl who looks like she’s married to Ben Franklin being seduced by some redcoat boys.

    • The baby chick one was on yesterday and Alisha was trying to hide her grins. It’s hard to deny the cuteness of iCarly though!

      I really like iKiss and iMeet Fred, because that Fred kid for some reason makes me laugh so hard.

      The mini golf one, is that the one where Carly is trying to get into that private school?

      And thank you for the recommendation! The closest I ever found to something like that was this one from the 70s where two girls decide to get back at the male populace because I think one of them was raped? So they lure men into their apartment and rape them. In one scene, they had a projector going and there was a very short Revoluionary War-era clip playing on the wall.

  2. MY COMMENTS ARENT GOING THROUGH AT ALL :(

  3. my last comment didn’t go through or something! whaaa

    anyways. Cliff notes of my comment:
    -vintage porn is fun
    -british sexploitation films form the 70’s are my favourite thing to watch ever
    -porn is kind of silly. especially new stuff. i dont get it

    try asking someone here at

    planetsuzy.org

    there is a vintage porn section (you got to register to see it). The people there are fucking vintage porn connoisseurs – someone will know for sure!

    • I really don’t like new porn. It doesn’t hold my attention AT ALL. I need there to be some sort of a creative, weird plot, otherwise it just doesn’t entertain me!

      Thank you for the tip!!

  4. LET’S GO PENS! LET’S GO PENS! LET’S GO PENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *faints*

  5. i know this is weird coming from henrys son,
    but watch the porno called “The Devil in Miss Jane”
    I think thats what its called.
    It left me laughing for weeks.
    Not so much porn as of a naked comedy.(to me that is)

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