It’s Friday and the last week has been an incredible whirlwind. I’m about to chill out with some bullet-points and I sure hope you’ll join me, read-along style. Go ‘head, you go first.
- I don’t know I’m just exceptionally slap-happy these days, but work has been a fucking Laugh In for me lately.
- First, Gayle emailed me a group picture she found of some of the people in our department before I was working here. Surprisingly, I knew all but two people, so I was pointing at my computer screen and naming faces while Gayle and Todd stood by and watched. Then Amber2ButBackToEatingFor1 walked by and was like, “Oh for Christ’s sake” because she thought I was naming members of the bands I was going to see at Warped Tour. This was hilarious to me. Naming almost everyone, I said, “I just don’t know who that old woman is back there,” and Gayle was like, “Well, that’s Seth, so….” and it made me think of the Jake from State Farm commercial and I’m still laughing about it. LAUGH ALONG WITH ME, WON’T YOU.
- Second, I noticed that Terry had walked by Glenn’s desk three times the other day and no salutations were exchanged. “Are you and Terry fighting!?” I asked, whirling around in my chair to face Glenn. “What? No. Why?” he asked dryly, yet with a slight tinge of trepidation. I told him that Terry walked by three times and didn’t say hello to him, and Glenn claims that he didn’t notice. I decided to make this a thing, to perpetuate a real life feud between the two of them. Every time Terry would walk by after that, I would get the giggles SO BAD and I even heard Glenn kind of laugh one time. Wednesday was REALLY BAD for my giggle threshold. I was walking down the hall to the kitchen when I came across Terry and his group, preparing to go outside for something or other. On my way back to my desk, I thought to myself, “What if Terry is going to file a PFA against Glenn and wanted his group to go with him for support?” Then I snorted. Then that thing happened where I’m trying so hard not to laugh, that my face is getting warm and my cheeks, taut. I came back to my desk and blurted out to Glenn, “I JUST SAW TERRY HE AND HIS GROUP ARE GOING SOMEWHERE!” And then I started crying because holding back the laughter was that painful. “Where?” Glenn asked, and when I didn’t answer him, he asked again, “Where?” By this time, I was in so much agony from trying to stop laughing, that I had to put my blanket over my head. I was actually squealing. “He went to file a PFA against you,” I whispered after essentially having the wind knocked out of me because WHY AM I SO FUNNY TO MYSELF. “You need serious help,” Glenn mumbled but I don’t know you guys, it seemed like he was SCARED OF THE PFA. Later that day, I ran into one of the ladies from Terry’s group, and she’s kind of like the Erin Kelly on that side, so I quickly filled her in and she was like, “OOOH I LIKE IT. Do you want me to tell the rest of the group?” Of course I was like YES PLZ but so far nothing has happened. Monday is the start of a new week, so I’ll bring in some new pots to stir, don’t worry.
- Speaking of my blanket, yesterday Ethan was walking past me as I was pulling my blanket up under my chin because it’s so cold in here, always. He stopped to ask if I was cold or just emotionally wrecked, and I proceeded to tell him about how, actually, the day before I was laughing so hard that I had to put the blanket over my head, so I guess a little of both. “Yeah, I heard that and wondered what was going on out there. I couldn’t tell if I was hearing laughing, or Glenn crying.” And Glenn monotoned, “Well, I do weep openly at my desk everyday.” YEAH BECAUSE HE’S SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE THE BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE!
- “So whose version do you want first, mine or your son’s?” — how Henry’s mom greeted us after work one day. Trouble in paradise with the neighborhood kids, as usual.
- Grammerly says it’s good to write in bullet points because it makes people feel like they’re reading less, but I feel like that doesn’t apply to my bullet points.
- I finally got a frame the Faces painting I made last year so I happily posted a photo of it on Instagram because I have no life, AND BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT LIKED IT! This matters because he is ONE OF THE FACES! I was all excited about it until people started saying, “I thought he was dead?”
- It’s not that I’m shy so much as just uncomfortable and unwilling to participate in nearly every situation I’m put in.
- The best part about Chooch fitting into an adult Small now is that we get to share band merch.
- Henry’s mom slept over last night since she was watching Chooch and we didn’t get home from Cleveland until around 1:30am, and then I was on late shift today which meant that I got to spend the morning making her watch Emarosa videos, wooooo Judy loves Emarosa now and hates Jonny Craig!
- Chooch was watching one of those BryanStars videos, you know, the ones he never watches, and Bryan was asking how would you break up with a girl. Chooch shrugged casually and said, “I’d say ‘I’ve had enough of your bullshit.'” and then looked at me with this face that said, “I mean, that’s obvi, right?” I’m raising a real gentleman, ladies!
- I try to check AbsolutePunk at least once a day, and yesterday I was rewarded with THIS, which is crazy because my old friend Alisha and I reconnected two weeks ago and she said that she had been listen to AFS and it made her think of me, so she messaged me on Facebook and BOOM, the power of music.
- Gah, I missed her so much! She lives in Arkansas now. Boo.
- Anyone feel like going to Cleveland with me on August 12th to see Artifex Pereo? ANYONE? I think I have definitely pushed Henry to his concert-going limit these last few weeks, haha.
- Chooch went on his first date last Sunday. WITH TWINS! Sound scandalous, right?! These girls go to all of his birthday parties and the one like LOVES him and the other wants to KILL him, but their mom saved my number after this last party in May and she randomly texted me to tell me that Olivia said she misses Chooch, so we hooked that shit up. They picked him and he acted like he was in so much pain and being tortured, but the smile on his face didn’t lie.
- He came home wearing a crown on his head, which he sometimes wears around the house because, ooooh, Olivia gave it to him!
- OK! I’m going to have to ask you not to get too excited about that, but I have been propagating some of my succulents (that means watching instructional YouTube videos and then scattering their leaves around and then staring at them every day until they start to GROW A NEW PLANT) and I didn’t think that I was capable of experiencing success in this industry of plant spawning, but hot damn, a bunch of my damn leaves have sprouting!! The one in the picture is Bae’s offspring and Corey has already claimed it, so…
- I just looked at my Instagram feed and it’s all succulents and bands. So I googled “succulent band” and there actually is a band called The Succulents. They’re from Texas and not my thing at all, but good to know.
- Corey and I are going to Zenith tomorrow and I’m hoping to find a wheelchair that looks like it was stolen from the House of Savoy but costs less than $40. YOU NEVER KNOW.
- We celebrated July birthdays at work the other day, which was how Bridget found out that dumb Glenn and I both have a July birthday. She commented on that as she walked past our desks, something about us being born in the month, and Glenn almost swallowed his tongue in his mad race to blurt out, “She wasn’t born. She was hatched.” NICE ONE, GLENN. “You’re not a LEO, ARE YOU?” I asked him in an accusatory tone, and at first he said he didn’t know because he doesn’t bother with that, which is what he likes to do when he wants the rest of us to feel like basic bitches, but then he finally admitted that no, he’s a Cancer, and I just laughed because of course he’s not awesome enough to share my sign, why did I even feel the need to ask.
- Slaves was apparently kicked off Warped Tour already (after like 2? 3 days?) and I don’t know what happened exactly, but I am definitely gloating.
- Allison’s last day at the law firm is July 31 and I won’t be there that whole week because of vacation and I’m so sad. :( I get way too attached to people, and she is a good people!
- I still have no good guesses on who A is. WHO IS A!? (That’s a Pretty Little Liars reference for all you people too old to watch television programming meant for preteens that endorses statutory relationships.
- Shout out to all of my work friends who have tolerated my hysteria for the last two weeks, beginning with Warped Tour, ending with Emarosa, with a Kurt Travis filling. I can hear myself talking to them, and I know I sound ridiculous and super annoying, BUT I CAN’T STOP BECAUSE LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. (Barb, I bet you don’t miss me shouting in your face about bands and you asking, “Is that the guy from Chiodos?” after every name I mention, and then I’d say, “NO BARB, THAT’S CRAIG OWENS. GOD!” But I sure miss those days. SIGH.)
I’m all out of bullets. EMPTY BARREL. I’ll end with my favorite clip of Battle of the Network Stars. Forever obsessed with Robert Conrad.