Jul 232015

Remember last week when I briefly mentioned that I was trying to orchestrate a beef between Glenn and his work-bro Terry? Well, the feud has gone on long enough, the tension is palpable, and someone needs to facilitate a reconciliation.

I guess that someone has to be me.

“Glenn,” I started earlier today after seeing Terry angrily storm past on the way to the restroom. “Do you and Terry ever, you know, like….go to lunch together?” I blurted out, a torpedo of giddiness following close behind.

“No,” Glenn casually answered, and then he stiffened a little and asked, “Why? What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” I cried in the Bobcat Goldthwait voice I adopt when I’m reaching the point of psych ward hysterics. I had to cover my face with my blanket, tried to suffocate the giddiness out of myself.


Later in the afternoon, after Glenn had left for the day, I was in the kitchen making coffee.

“What’s up, Erin?” Terry asked, walking by to fill up his water glass.

It’s a wonder I was able to utter my monosyllabic greeting without spraying his face with my alarming brand of laughter.  I had become distracted with actual work things after my exchange with Glenn about lunching with Terry, but now the subject was back on my radar.

I speed-walked back to my desk and pulled out the ransom note kit that my old office-neighbor Patrick had bought me for .25 cents at a yard sale. (“I saw it and it had your name written all over it!” he said proudly.)

Each sticker made me giddier and giddier until I was flat out ugly-laughing alone at my desk. People have come to know this as my “I’m doing something” laugh.

Amber-I Don’t-Have-Time-For-This-Bullshit-Now-That-I’m-A-Mom2 turned around in her chair and asked, “What are you doing?” So I got up and showed her my finished product:

“You’re so weird,” she sighed, but I could tell she thought this was the greatest thing ever. Todd was 100% on board with this too and we spent the rest of the afternoon speculating how we were going to get the invitation  to Terry, and what the outcome would be. I even considered making them a reservation at McDonald’s or 7-11, but best to make sure they’re both willing to take the next step in repairing their friendship first before wasting a perfectly good reservation, I guess.

“I’m just going to make Gayle do it,” I decided, after attempting to walk it over to Terry’s mail slot on my own and only getting as far as Allison’s desk (like, four feet away from where I started) before I had to stop and do the pee squat because I was laughing so hard.

Allison was just like, “Ohmygod.” In that moment, she may have been a little relieved that her temp assignment is coming to an end soon.


A few minutes later, Gayle started to walk past on her way back from her break and I stopped her with an urgent, “GAYLE.” Then I thrust the invitation at her said, “GO PUT THIS IN TERRY’S MAIL SLOT BUT DON’T LET ANYONE SEE YOU FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.”

Or something like that. There was a lot of ringing in my ears. It was hard to hear myself.

But then before I left for the day, I panicked that Terry wouldn’t check his mail slot tomorrow because none of us ever do, really, so I jogged over to his side of the department like a thief in the night and snatched it. I took it to Gayle’s desk with explicit instructions to wait until everyone left for the day (Gayle works late shift every day) before leaving it on his desk.

She texted me later and said that he was on late shift today so she wasn’t able to deliver it! UGH. “Don’t panic,” I texted back. “I have a plan.” I’m going to make sure it finds its way onto his desk tomorrow after I get there, that way, I won’t miss all the excitement when he rushes over to tell Glenn that he’s missed him, too.

Maybe they’ll go to Szmidt’s, with Gayle as a chaperone, and get some gross meat sandwich loaded with sauerkraut. It’s going to be so great. I love bringing people back together, especially people who had no idea that they were ever together, or not together, in the first place.

  3 Responses to “Work-Bro Lunch Date. You’re Welcome.”

  1. I want to work with you! We’d never get anything done, but it would be insanely entertaining.

  2. I want to work with you too! I would cry twice as much as I already do! And wow, I did not know that a ransom note generator even EXISTED. That rules!!!

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