Aug 162015
 

Henry declared that he wanted ice cream yesterday afternoon, and you know how it is around here: whatever Henry wants, Henry gets. Let’s all jump for Prince Henry.

Chooch came inside after playing with the neighborhood brats and Henry told him we were going to get ice cream. Chooch’s reaction was what you’d expect from a child who was just told to put on a starchy suit, it’s time to go to a three-hour mass.

Seriously. He threw his head back and wailed, “WHYYYY??! I don’t WANT ice cream!!” We just sat there in stunned silence.

“YOU DIDN’T EVEN FEED MY LUNCH AND NOW YOU’RE FORCING ME TO EAT ICE CREAM?!” Chooch wailed in anguish. I couldn’t even believe we were having this argument. Is this real life.

Henry explained to me that Chooch was hungry, and that this is exactly how I act too, when I’m hungry, which is a huge lie. So after we dragged Chooch out of the house as he screamed some more about how there’s nothing to eat because Henry doesn’t buy food and we’re so poor, I yelled, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE JUST TAKE HIM TO MCDONALDS SO HE WILL SHUT HIS DUMB MOUTH!”

UGH.

So that happened.

And then after Chooch’s hunger was quelled, Henry started to pull out of the McDonald’s parking lot and I asked him some question that I don’t remember now but I’m sure it was really important and urgent so probably what’s happening here is that I’m having another PTSD blackout, and I didn’t like the tone Henry used when he answered me, so then that started another fight and Henry was like “YOU TWO ARE ASSHOLES AND WE’RE GOING HOME.”

But then he kept driving because going home “to teach us a lesson” was really only going to hurt Henry.

You would think that we would have a favorite ice cream shop that we frequent, but the truth is, part of the fun/battle is scouring Yelp for somewhere new to try. Henry found a place about 25-30 minutes away called Punk’s and I was just happy that someone else picked a place for once.

On the way there, I looked it up and saw that my Mortal Yelp Enemy was the FIRST REVIEWER for Punk’s and then I read this portion of his review and raged:

Henry hates him too so I read it out loud and then Henry and I put aside our current hate for each other and focused on mutually hating Yelp Enemy instead. Seriously, go fuck yourself beneath a deep indigo sky with a nut-armored ball, you asshole. Get the fuck out of here.

AHEM. By the time we arrived at Punk’s, we were all kind of on good terms again and even managed to order our ice cream without too much mishap. Chooch was still being weird about not wanting ice cream, so we told him not to order anything then, but he wound up ordering a vanilla milkshake like he was choosing his method of execution and then fled.

I don’t think he’s ever ordered a vanilla milkshake before.

Henry got a Scooter Sundae and acted all smug about it for some reason, but no one really gave a shit.

Nice stance.

The girl working that day was really nice, like an ice cream shop person should be. She didn’t make me feel rushed or dumb for asking questions, which sometimes happens when I go to get ice cream, OK?! And then I panic and get something plain and boring and cry about it later because it totally wasn’t what I wanted but that dumb bitch made me feel pressured to give her my final answer! I mean, that doesn’t happen often or anything.

So I got the soft serve flavors of the day in a twist: caramel and strawberry, which sounds like an odd pairing but I’m here to tell you that it worked. Just like our volatile family dynamics.

  7 Responses to “Ice Cream Intermission”

  1. I am always so jealous of your ice cream adventures! Your cones are always covered in these magical looking sprinkles and I want that in my life! I asked for sprinkles the other day and the guy just said ,”uh,mmk” and dumped a spoonful on top which was friggin pointless because they all just fell right off.Bastard…

  2. Those sprinkles are the best sprinkles that ever existed. They are as ‘punk’ as I can imagine sprinkles ever being.

    Caramel and strawberry twist sounds magical.

  3. So you were within 2 miles of my house when you went to Punk’s. Also, it is visible in some Katherine Heigl movie that was filmed over my way- in fact, that is why it has such a fresh new paint job. Fun fact of the day for you!

  4. What a useless, self-indulgent, egotistical, unhelpfully verbose review from Yelp Enemy. Wise up, Kate. Lose him.

    • One time on LJ, in May of 2005, I got an anonymous comment from someone who went on and on about how I’m a horrible writer, I’m a joke, I abuse the Thesaurus, etc etc — that person would poke their eyes out if they ever read this dude’s reviews!

      (Yes, I remember the month and year and even the exact post that comment was left on because I DWELL, lol!)

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