Excuse Me Sir, But I Had Plans To Die Tonight

When the Spill Canvas announced that they were going to tour in honor of the 10th anniversary of their album One Fell Swoop, my heart swelled up like a beautiful cardiac balloon, and then popped in a matter of .002 seconds because ow, that album, just ow.

Honestly, I haven’t kept up very much with the Spill Canvas since their 2007 release (“To Live Without It” was my 2007 summer anthem). Hearing this tour announcement rejuvenated that old love for their music and I bought my ticket right away. Only one ticket because I knew Henry was definitely not feeling this one. (As if he ever “feels” any of them.)

But then, a few days before the show, my brother Corey texted me.

“Are you still going to the Spill Canvas show alone?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied with a sad face emoji.

“Well, not anymore because I just bought a ticket!”

I almost cried! I wouldn’t have minded going alone, but I definitely preferred having someone with me, and Corey and I haven’t seen a show together since The Cure in 2008! I became ridiculously giddy (what else is new) about it! I was also hoping that this would help dull some of the inevitable emotional pain that was bound to be exacerbated as soon as Nick Thomas began to sing.

Music makes it really hard not to live in the past.

Papa H drove Corey and me to the Altar Bar around 6pm on Sunday. I made him drop us off a little bit down the street though because I didn’t want people to see us and laugh.

Because that’s clearly what people would do.

When I was going to Pitt, Henry would sometimes drive me to class because parking was such a pain. I’d have him drop me off so far away, in no man’s land, that it practically negated being given a ride in the first place.

The line to get in was short and seemingly void of douchebags, so I was optimistic about the crowd. My compromise to Corey was that we could stand upstairs on the balcony, and honestly that’s probably where I would have ended up anyway had I gone alone because that’s the kind of mood I was that day. You know that mood. The “get the fuck away from me” mood? Just don’t touch me. That’s what happens when it’s 90 degrees and humid and you don’t have air-conditioning in your house, I guess.

I’ve only seen the Spill Canvas once before, at the 2007 Warped Tour in Cincinnati. I was this close that time:

So I didn’t mind being on the balcony this time around.

Since Papa H was picking us up, we both got some drinks and then grabbed a good spot along the balcony a few minutes before Bonfires started their set. As suspected, the crowd was definitely older. A couple in their mid-to-late 20s (this is old considering the types of shows I go to!) moved into the spots next to me, but they were plain, emotionless, and unmoving. In other words: they didn’t bother me. I was entertained by the girl’s constant need to Snapchat throughout the entire night though. Watching her take a picture and type “Bonfires,” I started chanting in my head, “Use the fire emoji. USE THE FIRE EMOJI. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO USE THE FIRE EMOJI. YES! SHE USED THE FIRE EMOJI!!”

Basic bitch.

Bonfires wasn’t bad once their sound situation was remedied. The first song sounded like a preschool music room disaster but then everything was good after that. I saw the singer when we were standing in line; he was wearing a Fuck Seaway shirt so I figured he was cool. He seemed super stoked to be on tour with the Spill Canvas and I know this because he kept saying, “THIS IS SICK. BEING ON TOUR WITH SPILL CANVAS IS SICK. YOU GUYS ARE SICK. I’M SICK. NO REALLY I’M GONNA BE SICK.” Real energetic vibe from those guys. I liked it.

I guess you could say I thought they were sick.

While they were playing, another couple squeezed in between me and the Snapping girl. I HATED THEM. The boyfriend was this big beefy fucker with gorilla arms and a wide wingspan. He took up so much room against the railing and his poor girlfriend was left standing sideways, two fingers touching the railing, trying to peer over his massive shoulder.

Somewhere around this time, Nick Thomas (the singer of TSC) favorited my tweet from earlier in the day, which said, “Seeing Spill Canvas tonight. Pour one out for 2005.” I showed it to Corey, while saying, “No big deal.” We talked for a little bit about our respective feelings for the band, how it reminds him of high school and for me, of course, it’s another Christina band. Why did she have to be my only friend who liked this shit?

! I wish I could associate all of this music with someone I still like.

“The Tide is probably my favorite song of theirs,” I said to Corey about the Spill Canvas.

“That’s not on One Fell Swoop though, is it?”

“No, thank god,” I laughed. “I don’t think I could handle hearing that song tonight!”

The next band was [something] Summer. A bunch of older dudes who weren’t listed on the official lineup that the Spill Canvas had posted, so who knows. I honestly just zoned out during their set because they did very little for me and by this point, the gorilla and his submissive Fay Wray had left, their empty space immediately filled by two super drunk blond girls.

And I mean SUPER DRUNK. The one closest to me was completely leaning against me and I was like, “Bitch, don’t be mistaking me for your support system.” So then I kept pushing back until they retreated to a couch behind us, and proceeded to spend the next 25 minutes taking urgent selfies, according to Corey.

I usually don’t have to deal with drunk idiots at my normal shows, so my patience was zapped by the time the third band, Milly, started. They’re a local Pittsburgh band and at first I thought it was going to be terrible, but I ended up liking them. And I wasn’t just pretending to because they had family members standing behind us, I swear.

Everyone always says that becoming a parent will change you, and even though I still feel the same in most regards, the one thing I rarely do anymore is make fun of the little, opening bands. I used to be so ruthless and cruel if I disliked an opening band when I was younger, but now I feel so guilty if I start to have snarky thoughts, because those are someone’s kids up there, and what if it was Chooch? (I mean, not like he would ever be in a shitty band, but you know.)

At some point, another couple squeezed in next to me and at first I thought it was going to be OK, but then I started to pick up on weirdness between them and I realized that they were fighting and making up almost the entire time. It was really uncomfortable, and at one point it got so public that I turned to Corey and yelled, “MAYBE THEY WILL LEAVE.” And I don’t give a fuck if they heard me, either.

The guy was yelling, “I AM HERE FOR YOU. I AM DOING ALL OF THIS FOR YOU!” and she just kept on mouthing off and telling him not to touch her and it turned out that particular fight was because she had to go to the bathroom and was afraid to lose her spot!?

The more I paid attention to them, the more I was like, “Oh wow, so this is what it’s like to stand next to me and Henry.” Especially when he touched her back and then sarcastically yelled, “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to touch your back!” followed by an eye roll. It was amazing. Again, I paid more attention to them to whatever the fourth (FOURTH!?) band was.

Way too many bands on this bill. I was not happy about it at all.

Taking Back Sunday came on over the sound system after the fourth band left the stage, prompting a giant singalong.

It was beautiful.

But finally, at 9:45, the Spill Canvas took the stage and from the moment Nick sang, “In one fell swoop it became clear to me / that I despise you entirely” I was entranced.  Nothing around me bothered me anymore. They played the entire album and talk about being taken back….my Lord. Dormant feelings were stirred, forgotten memories were dusted off and knocked back into the forefront of my mind—-it was surreal, like an out of body experience, like floating against the ceiling of the Altar Bar and watching it all from another time.

I know, this reads like every fucking show I go to. I can’t help it! I’m just that fragile and sensitive.

I noticed that my Instagram and Twitter feed was abundant with the broken heart emojis that night. I’m so original.

At the beginning of “Natalie Marie and 1cc,” someone started pounding on my back. I went into fight mode because I thought some drunk asshole was trying to push me out of the way. I spun around, ready to rip out some hair, only to find Corey with a sugar-high face, squealing, “I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!” It was hilarious and also adorable. I’m so glad he came with me! The Spill Canvas means a lot to both us for our own separate reasons and that made the evening more meaningful. Feelings. Meaningful feelings. All of the emotions. Emo emo emo.

And you know, not just a night to get drunk at a show and act like a Yinzer d-bag. Seriously, a fight started to happen at one point in the crowd, but luckily it quickly petered out. Who the fuck fights at a Spill Canvas show? Get a fucking grip, Pittsburgh.

It just felt like such a gift to get to hear that entire album performed, some of the songs they have never played live before. When they came back for the encore, they had already played the entire One Fell Swoop album, so they ended the show with a full-band performance of The Tide.

THE TIDE.

I was standing next to a curtain and it was all I could do not to bury my face into it and cry.

Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die, it’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

Chills.

Here’s the full song if anyone cares to have their heart eviscerated:

Papa H was waiting for us down the street when the show ended a little after 11:00; we excitedly gave him a recap of the show during the drive home. Henry was just like, “What about my uninterested expression makes you think I care?!”

And then I told him they played The Tide and he was kind of like, “Hnnnnnnngggg. Then I’m really glad I wasn’t there.” I tortured him with that song for a very long time.

These band reunions/10-year-anniversary album tours are killing me. I’m going to the Armor For Sleep “What To Do When You’re Dead” tour next month in Philly (with Terri!); and then Jason Gleason is rejoining Further Seems Forever for the Self Help show in March, which has made people speculate that something more may be coming from them; plus Circa Survive touring for Juturna—my pathetic little emo heart just can’t take all the nostalgia.

**********

The next day, Corey texted me and said, “Ugh, I want to relive last night!”

Same.