October’s got me like whoa. It’s my favorite month in the whole entire history of the calendar, but goddamn is it tiring. Here are some things that happened over the past week or so that I don’t want to forget, bullet-style. I’m feeling relatively uninspired, so consider these Nerf bullets. (Soft) Bang (soft) bang.
- Henry was telling me about some Snopes-style show he was watching where TOMS was featured and it talked about how the whole “one for one” thing isn’t really helping anyone in Africa, etc. The way he was telling me this, it was almost as if he expected me to fling my TOMS into a vat of acid, but instead I just shrugged and said, “So? That wasn’t ever why I started wearing TOMS.” Henry stood there with this look on his face like he knew what I was about to say was going to be full of vanity and shallowness. “I started wearing them because Craig Owens was wearing them.” And then Henry got the “there it is!” look of mild disappointment on his dumb face.
- Although sometimes I kind of care about people! Like last week, I was wandering around on my break when I saw some older man in a wheelchair struggling to get through the door of a McDonald’s. Do you know how many people I witnessed walk right past him like he was invisible? Something like A LOT. And you know, just because this guy is in a wheelchair doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not a shitty person like the rest of us, but I couldn’t just walk by like this scene wasn’t playing out to my right. So I stopped and opened the door for him, and then when I realized that there was another set of doors inside, I followed him into the vestibule and opened those ones too. And the saddest part was that he was shocked that I did this. Especially when he realized that I had walked in there just to open the door for him. I’m not saying I love people and want to run outside and start hugging people (I work downtown; there are lots of gross people out there) but it would be nice if people would stop walking around with their noses in their phones and maybe pay attention when someone could use a hand. And that has been today’s Soapbox Story.
- Random photo of Chooch in his zombie obsession days, Lancaster PA circa 2010:
- You guys, LOLForever, Henry finally went out on his first Lyft shift on Saturday! As he was smoothing out his grizzled locks before leaving the house, I told him that he should put on Emarosa and then every time a new passenger gets in the car, he could say, “Oh that’s just Emarosa you’re hearing right now, no big deal” and then he could tell them about Bradley and Jonny. Henry snapped, “Why don’t YOU just be a Lyft driver then?” But you know what he did like? My suggestion of having a plastic trick or treat pumpkin filled with candy for his passengers! I could tell that it pained him to admit that it was a good idea.
- He has been complaining about his one customer who he took to the airport and even HANDLED HER LUGGAGE (is that legal!? Henry shouldn’t be trusted with that), and then she didn’t even tip him.
- On Sunday, he went out during morning prime time and wound up taking a bunch of people to the dumb stadium for the dumb FOOTBALL game, and naturally some of them were already drunk at 9am. When he came home that day, he said, “It went OK. I had a lot of cancellations, though. They were all girls, so I guess—-” and I cut in to finish “—they saw your creepy picture and got freaked?” Henry sighed and said, “Pretty much.”
- Some of his passengers have been chatty with him so I asked him what he tells them of himself. “Nothing much, really,” he mumbled, in true Henry fashion. “Do you tell them that you have a cool girlfriend who does lots of thing and likes Emarosa?” I cried. He gave me that smirk that I hate so much, so I guess that’s a no. What a shocker. He never tells people about me! Because he’s embarrassed, that’s why.
- If you read Chooch’s guest post, you know that on Saturday we went to a haunted house about an hour away in Ohio. It was called Dark View and this was the first time we went because Henry, Mr. Haunted Houses R Dumb, brought home a flyer for it one day when he had deliver FAYGO for work. I approved of this haunt for a myriad of reasons, but my favorite part was that THE ACTORS ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU. If you know me at all, you know that I am a WHORE for creepy haunted house actors and I welcome every last spooky touch of my hair and gentle ankle grabs. The best part was when a bloody butcher singled me out (granted his only options were me and a miserable looking broad) and called me a pretty little things and then shouted mildly offensive innuendos at me as I ran away. “I love it when they me I’m pretty,” I whispered to Henry once he caught up to me. “Yeah, I know you do,” he sighed. Daddy issues all day long.
- It was after 10 by the time we got out of there and we were all hungry but with Chooch and me, our hunger is something that needs addressed ASAP. Of course, we were unfamiliar with the area, Yelp is a piece of shit that only succeeds in causing the shackles on my temper to break, and most of the restaurants we passed were already closed. Henry and I started to fight (OK, I started to fight) and Chooch was just like, “Great, here we go again” because this is basically the only time we fight: when we’re in the car and I’m hungry. So Henry barked LET’S JUST GO TO TACO BELL AND BE DONE WITH IT. That was fine by us, even though I wanted a GRILLED CHEESE, but whatever. Taco Bell is good for me (I mean, not health-wise, of course) because it’s basically the only fast food place with a menu that’s easily modified to be vegetarian. However, I didn’t feel like having Henry try to give explicit instructions to whatever kid was working the drive thru, so I just went for the 7-layer burrito, which is naturally vegetarian. Before we left, we noticed that there was stuff missing from our order, so Henry reluctantly parked and went inside to reason with the Taco Bell idiots. While he was inside, I took a bite of my burrito and immediately recoiled. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t place it. I took another bite, tentatively this time, and my heart sank: THEY GAVE ME A BEEF BURRITO. It was too late to spit it out and I never made a good bulimic, so I sat there for a second and accepted the fact that I’m a FAILURE TO PETA, MORRISSEY, AND ANIMALS WORLDWIDE. Once I calmed down (yeah right, I’m still not calm), I removed the key from the ignition, told Chooch to wait there (TERRIBLE PARENT ALERT but at least I told him to unlock the door for anyone) and stormed into Taco Bell. (I used the door, there are no Erin-shaped holes in any of the walls of this particular establishments.) Henry looked up in surprise, which then morphed to fear once he saw my face. I pushed past him to get to the counter. “I ORDERED A 7-LAYER BURRITO AND THIS IS NOT A 7-LATER BURRITO” I chirped to the girl on the other side, shaking the tainted burrito in the air. “Oh no….that’s definitely not….” the girl murmured. I let the burrito forcefully drop onto the counter. “AND I’M A VEGETARIAN!!” my chirpiness was pretty high-pitched by then. The girl started to back into the “kitchen” to hopefully FLOG WHATEVER PRICK DID THIS TO ME, and I turned to Henry and squealed hysterically, “AND I TOOK A BITE OF IT!” Henry gave me the “Calm down” look which only ever makes me less calm, and then I stormed back out to the car where I found my child in the backseat where I left him, eating his tacos and looking decidedly un-kidnapped. Henry came back and gave me my real 7-layer burrito, which I was going to hurl against the Taco Bell window and then use my finger to write DIE, VEGETARIAN HATERS into the coagulating mass of beans and rice, but fuck it. I was hungry.
- Speaking of the haunted house, when we were in line, Chooch randomly acted out how he thinks Henry would react to being scared and maybe I was just punchy from the dumb car ride there—through INDUSTRIAL AREAS AND NEXT TO A RIVER AND OVER BRIDGES, god why not throw up some billboards for Alaska while you’re at it, Ohio—but it was making me crack the fuck up, imagining Henry doing this idiot kawaii thing. I made Chooch reenact it tonight so I could Instavid it, but like most reenactments, a lot of the initial moxie got lost:
- The below pictures are poor quality, but I don’t care because today is school picture day for Chooch and I have been holding onto this Choonimals shirt since I bought it at Riot Fest, because this kid is known to beat the shit out of his clothes and I didn’t want him to ruin it before picture day. Because I knew the moment I bought it that this would be his picture day shirt because I feel like it’s a pretty good reflection of him. We also touched up his hair last night too because he said he wanted to. I figured he would have been over the color by now!
- Man, I had a dream/nightmare last week where I was at my mom’s house and she had these two old broads weeding in her front yard and then Gayle was there and the ladies for no reason started telling Gayle all of this shit about my mom, like really nasty and mean-spirited things, and I came flying out of the laundry room door screaming at them to shut their ugly faces and I swear I woke up feeling like I could murder a bitch. I might not have a relationship with my mom anymore, or any contact with her whatsoever, but do not talk shit on her because things will get ugly.
- DEEP BREATH
- Purposely fell asleep with AMC’s Halloween marathon playing in the background last night and woke up feeling right as (arterial) rain.
- Anyone who doesn’t think Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers is Paul Rudd’s best role ever can go fuck themselves because it is.
- Future Gilmore Girls, AMIRITE?!?! I could do without Melissa McCarthy though. (Don’t hate.)
- We bought a black wig for Chooch’s Halloween costume and he gushed, “It’s like a big glob of Ju-On hair!” He is forever obsessed with that movie. I bet all of his Asian horror references are so wasted at school.
- I’m off on Thursday for no reason at all and I plan on trying to paint all day, but let’s be real, I’m probably just going to watch music videos on YouTube and call Henry to bitch about the messy house all day.
OK, let’s wrap this bitch up. I’m tired and getting rambly.
LOL @ “getting.”