Dec 232015
 

*Shout out to Carly  Rae Jepsen

For most of my adult life, I’ve been struggling with the whole glasses and contacts issue. Basically, I’m just a huge cry baby about going to the eye doctor and don’t even get my started on the strict criteria I have for eye glasses. I’ve gone round and round with numerous eye doctors and then when I realized that 1-800-Contacts was suddenly allowing me to order new contacts without an updated eye exam, I was like “IN YR FACE EYE DOCTORS!”

Except that during the last batch of contacts I was wearing, I started to feel like maybe my prescription had changed. My left eye was kind of struggling, so I decided that I wouldn’t order new contacts without getting a check up first. This is what BEING AN ADULT feels like I guess. Kind of boring.

So I put in my last pair of 2-week contacts back in….September. And then I just kept putting it off and putting it off until two weeks ago when I practically stumbled into work and so that everyone knew I wasn’t actually drunk, I admitted that I was having some sight issues.

“STILL?!” Amber2 exclaimed. We’ve talked about this subject quite a few times in the past. I always say I’m going to make an appointment and then I just end up ordering new contacts instead. And Amber is also a big advocate for eye glasses and has even offered to go with me on our lunch break to look at frames. Because I’m picky, they have to be gargantuan. Like, you should be able to fit your entire legs in them and pull them on like pants. That’s how big I need them to be. Maybe even just a large square that I can hold up over my face when I need to see. (So like, forever.)


I tested other methods of ocular enhancement, such as squinting through a bottle of severed fingers. No bueno.


And surprisingly, the follicle monocle didn’t activate the ol’ 20/20 either.

Yesterday was the breaking point. We came back from our group’s holiday lunch (I closed a door on Gayle and then she got stuck in the restaurant—that was my highlight), and Amber2 caught me slumped down at my desk, engaging in my daily AM I GOING BLIND???? squint-a-thon.

“THAT’S IT! Make an appointment right now!” And thank god for her and—I can’t believe I’m typing this—Glenn, because they essentially walked me through it. Glenn especially. He’s been on board with this since last week when he was walking toward me and I thought he was a stranger because he looked so blurry so I started to sink down behind my computer so that Stranger wouldn’t ask me a question — all strangers on our floor ask me questions! Like, “Where is the bathroom?” And I’m like “Down there!” while crossing my arms and pointing. But yeah, this time it was just Glenn and he was like, “You REALLY need to get your eyes checked! Good Lord.”

So after our lunch, he was trying to guide me through the insurance process of the eye exam.

“GO TO PEOPLESOFT AND PRINT OUT YOUR INSURANCE INFO IF YOU DONT HAVE THE CARD!” he barked and I was like “Yikes! Yessir!”

And that is how I ended up with an appointment after work at a place that claims on their website that they take my insurance but apparently only certain branches in the SOUTH do???  Don’t worry, they said they’re used to this and gave me all kinds of shit to send to the insurance company for reimbursement so I guess Wendy will have to help me with that.

I need to also mention that Henry and I had a huge fight when he came to pick me up from work because traffic had him angry and he YELLED AT ME and I was like, “OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST YELL AT ME WHEN I’M ALREADY STRESSED OUT WE ARE SO OVER!” and then after three minutes of me pouting and staring wistfully out the window, he softly said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you” and then I berated him for a little while and all was well.

Anyway, as soon as I walked in to America’s Best, I was greeted by Randall (Randolph? I couldn’t see his name tag very well, lol), a congenial older man who signed me in.

“IM FREAKING OUT!” I cried because I have no filter when I’m nervous. My anxiety levels were through the roof and I literally felt my knees buckle when I walked in.

Randall was super nice and told me I wasn’t going to die, that I probably wouldn’t even bleed, and then my exam started, which went exactly as I expected: not knowing which one was better or worse! I was getting really frustrated and then I started to cry and the doctor was like “Hey kid, your eyes are actually healthy, don’t worry” but apparently my left eye either has a slightly swollen cornea (from the contacts) or IS JUST LAZY ALL OF A SUDDEN??? because no matter which corrective lens he put in front of it, he couldn’t get me past 20/40. Nothing about me is lazy! I TAKE THE STAIRS, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

But at least I have new contacts in now (not the ones I need, but the best they could give me until mine come in next week) and I got a lengthy lecture about getting glasses. I KNOW OK?! God. I’ll get glasses as soon as someone can put my prescription in a welder’s mask.

The moral of this story is that my coworkers are bullies.

[We’re going to blame all of my typos on my SUPPOSED LAZY EYE, now, ok?]

  3 Responses to “Eye Problems, Who’s Got ‘Em*”

  1. I hate going for eye exams too. The worst part for me is getting the puff or air blown in my eye. I hate wearing my glasses, they give me a headache when working on the computer since I have to move my head so much to look down at a sheet and then back to the computer. I also wear my contacts way longer then I am suppose to, but my eye doctor said my eyes are great, other then being blind. With out contacts or glasses I’m pretty much blind lol.

  2. First Glenn and then Henry, everybody barking at you, NOT HELPFUL. The best part about all of this, though, is that you caused Gayle to get stuck in a restaurant. Also, we suffer strangers needing everything from us. Why do they cling? :(

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