Jeremiah spent all of his time collecting Pogs and maintaining twelve Tamagachis in simultaneous harmony. He kept a meticulous collection of petrified twigs and delicately pinned expired flies to a corkboard with precision. He kept his face greasy to feed his acne.
Muffy was the 2004 Playmate of the Year, and kept herself in the headlines by knitting afghans for Serbian orphans. She often made guest appearances on Paula’s Party on the Food Network, thanks to her apple dicing dexterity. Muffy was stunning even with a bare face and wrapped snugly in an apron.
No one saw it coming.
Jeremiah was in the audience during one of the tapings; he had an obsession with Paula because she reminded him of the grandma he always wanted because his own grandma was a stolen arms dealer (limbs, not guns) who had deep trenches along her face from the time the Irish mafia tortured her to reveal the location of thousands of kilos of embezzled Tastycakes, a much-sought after treat in Dublin that had been proven to make people stronger for potato-heaving. She never cracked and to this day, she’s held in captivity beneath the womens’ room in a potato famine museum.
Paula invited Jeremiah up in front of the cameras to sample some of Muffy’s apple muffins. His shyness prevented him from looking directly at Muffy, but his mumbled praise and crimson flushed face was enough to win Muffy’s heart. Finally, someone liked her for her baked goods and not her private goods.
They embarked on a whirlwind romance and took to devouring each others mouths every chance, the universal sign for “Back off, fools, this woman is taken,” in an effort to deter lewd men from lifting her skirt.
This is the first time Jeremiah will have a real live woman as a Valentine, replacing the bag of his dead aunt Murtle’s bones that he traditionally brings out to share a box of chocolates and a glass of grape juice every February 14th.