May 222016
 

Chooch’s chorus concert was Thursday evening so we had to endure a few hours in a cafeteria with the cream of the crop of Yinzer ‘rents. Sorry Chooch, but that’s got the concert beat in entertainment value. I only go for the cookies though which we’re not allowed to eat until AFTER I guess so the dumb kids can have some too but who are the real MVPs of the night? The parents, that’s who. Or our ear drums if you want to focus on the specifics. 

There was also a Hot Naybor Chris (#HNC for those in the know, and if you’re in the know, then I’m sorry haha) sighting so I spent most of the excruciating band portion of the evening trying to take a picture of him. 

I really dislike the band instructor, by the way. He loves to hear the sound of his voice so he makes sure to pause after every excruciating “song” to regale us with an equally excruciating story. Then he had everyone sing the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, and Bas Baa Black Sheep to illustrate that each one uses the same melody and I refused to sing out of principle so Henry really sang with much exaggeration just to irritate me. 

It worked. 

The chorus is at least mostly ok. They sang Beauty & the Beast (Chooch was actually super into the show we saw at Holkywood Studios last month for this reason) and some lame Grease song, which Chooch got to announce and thank he didn’t fuck it up! The girl who announced Beauty and the Beast basically read the entire book to us up there from the podium and it’s like, come on. If anyone there didn’t know the premise to Beauty & the Beast, they’ve probably lived in a sewer for the last 40 years and have emerged on that special night just to mass murder us anyway so what does all this matter, just sing the fucking song and get it over with so we can either be murdered or eat cookies. 

Spoiler: we all survived and got to eat some fucking cookies. And Chooch managed to not fuck up his Grease solo. 

Afterward, we roamed around, harshly critiquing the student art on display, when Chooch casually pointed at some black-haired girl in a red flannel and said, “That’s the girl who told me I probably don’t even know who Pierce the Veil is.”

RECORD SCRATCH. 

This happened last year and I was way more pissed about it than Chooch was because Chooch has enough confidence in himself to not give a shit when his interests are questions.

But ERK, on the other hand? ERK can’t let shit go. 

“Let’s follow her and make passive-aggressive statements about our scene knowledge while being mildly disparaging,” I suggested. Chooch was just like, “Probably not a good idea, but sure.”

She disappeared down a stairwell with one of her equally-as-basic friends and Henry was like, “Guys what’s going on?” while blindly following us. 

I was so fired up. I planned on saying things like, “WOW I CANT WAIT UNTIL WE GO TO THAT SOLD OUT PTV SHOW NEXT MONTH IN CLEVELAND BECAUSE WE’RE LONG-TIME FANS AND GOT OUR TICKETS THE SECOND THEY WENT ON SALE. HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOUR FIRST CONCERT WAS PTV WHEN YOU WERE 6? WARPED TOUR. BLED FEST. WHADDUP.”

Seriously, don’t fuck with my kid and his knowledge of music because he will fucking school you all the way back to Hot Topic, you basic bitch. 

Meanwhile, Henry was still struggling to understand what was going on so Chooch snapped, “Mommy wants to harass that girl, ok? God!” And Henry was all, “What girl???” And then when he realized what was happening, he was like, “No. Time to take the kids home.” And then I got lectured the whole way home about how it’s illegal for a 36-year-old to bully a 13-year-old or something, I wasn’t listening. 

Whatever. I think she was already gone anyway. Dumb bitch. 


P.S. this wasn’t the concert that he had all those Saturday rehearsals for. That one was actually going to be a good, legit production, but the day Chooch was supposed to leave school and go downtown for an all-day dress rehearsal was the same day the guidance counselor poached him and made him make up the one day of PSSAs he missed on account of his shitty parents taking him to Disney World, so because of that, Chooch was unable to perform at the big show and believe me, I’m sure I will never hear the end of it. 

  2 Responses to “Middle School Bully”

  1. HOT NAYBOR CHRIS! Why, why, why is this so funny to me?!

    I totally would have joined you for harassing a young lady with a wise mouth. How dare she question Riley’s fan legitimacy? Snob.

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