Jul 272016
 

My mom had us over The House for dinner tonight and Corey surprised me with an early birthday cake, featuring the gorgeous face of PHIL COLLINS! 


I seriously could have died. So goddamn perfect! And he apparently had to jump through many hoops to get it made too because Bethel Bakery’s Celebration Specialist is a stickler for obeying copyright laws. He read their email exchanges out loud to me and after going through the same snarky customer service ringer last year when ordering Chooch’s birthday cake, I’m seriously considering cutting ties with that place. 

Chooch of course said he was bored in between every bite of food he took because this is how shitty his generation is: if there isn’t a phone or YOUTUBE or Xbox in sight, then OH WOE IS ME SO BORED NOTHING TO DO. 

“Your probably is that you have no imagination because technology does it all for you!” I snapped. “When I was growing up here, I was never bored! I built FROG HOTELS.”

As my mom was rolling her eyes, Henry’s mom was all, “The fuck is a frog hotel?” So I had to explain how I’d take cardboard boxes together and cut doorways through them, and then fill them my Sweet Secret furniture before, obviously, filling them with frogs. 

“I mean, the frogs would usually jump right out but it was fun,” I said as Henry shook his head. “And then there was the time my dad walked in on me in the garage, teaching a praying mantis how to count change.” At this point my mom looked seriously embarrassed to have birthed me and Henry’s mom incredulously asked, “How did you teach a praying mantis to count change?!” and I’m like, “Well Judy, exactly how it sounds? It sat there while I counted out a handful of change….?”

While everyone was offering varying opinions of the bug, like “they’re gross” or “they’re good luck” I continued to talk about my wonderful, imaginative childhood activities. “And don’t forget about the time I was banging rocks against the driveway in order to make eyeshadow out of the rock powder.”

“What the fuck, you would think you grew up in a shack in West Virginia,” Henry exclaimed. “Everything you did for fun was so primitive!”

“Erin, you know there’s a road right up there that takes you places,” Corey said, reminding me that while we grew up surrounded by woods, it wasn’t exactly the wilderness. 

WHATEVER. I liked my childhood just fine, thanks.

And then Corey and Chooch played hide and seek in The House, after realizing that we never played hide and seek there when we were kids probably because our grandma and Sharon would have had a BIRD. 

“So, it’s his birthday, then?” Judy said toward the end of the night, while we were discussing the cake. That whole time she thought we were celebrating Phil Collins’ birthday and not mine. 

Tonight was pretty awesome.

No tags for this post.

  3 Responses to “An Impromptu Birthday Dinner”

  1. “Chooch of course said he was bored in between every bite of food he took because this is how shitty his generation is: if there isn’t a phone or YOUTUBE or Xbox in sight, then OH WOE IS ME SO BORED NOTHING TO DO.”

    Tolhurst! I’ve noticed!

    I am cracking up so bad that Judy thought it was Phil’s birthday! THAT CAKE! And I mean…copyright laws? For cakes? Really? MUCH DISLIKE.

    I used to bang rocks too, thinking they would break and there would be buried gold inside. And I used to keep frogs in buckets rather than fancy hotels like you did. What awesome friends we would have made as kids.

Choose Your Words Carefully