Sep 152016

Me: Well, I guess I’m going to live blog now. 

Henry: …..oh boy. 


8:59am: HI EVERYBODY! GOOD MORNING! Henry and I are on our way to Chicago for Riot Fest. It’s not until tomorrow but he made me take an extra day off work so we didn’t have to drive through the night like we usually do, he’s so selfish. (I’m so frugal with my PTO.) So far, we’ve only accomplished stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and breakfast, but at least we’re not fighting yet. (He is in a mood though.)

I miss Chooch a lot already. I made him give me an extra hug before he went to school this morning and you know how much I hate hugs. :( Then I was dreamily telling Henry about the one episode of Inpractical Jokers that Chooch and I were watching last night and now I miss him even more because that’s our show. Henry just told me I’m so weird because I’m cry-laughing at the memory of Sal’s punishment last night. 


9:25am: Apparently I don’t open bags of pretzels properly so now I’m being lectured. “You and Chooch,” he just sighed. Oh so I guess it’s my fault that Chooch doesn’t open bags of snacks properly, too. 

(Lol it probably is.)

Jesus, I don’t tie my shoes right (except that I do, the rest of you are the ones who do it wrong), I don’t open bags of snacks right. Why are you even with me, Henry?!

I just opened a bag of Chex Mix and he’s side-eying me. 

10:00am: “I bought three waters. They were three for $2.” Why does he bother telling me these things? Like I care? Is that a good deal, I don’t know?!

It’s like last weekend when we were with Tommy & Jessy, and Jessy was telling us about how she went to some farmers market and got a big brown bag full of cucumbers for $6 and I was like “……….”

10:07am: the new driver at Henry’s job just called him to ask him a question about FAYGO delivering things that you and I wouldn’t understand, so Henry adopted his Professional Driver voice which is basically just his voice was super amplified because all of the people he works with are deaf? Anyway, Henry’s solution to Tony’s problem was to “go ask Kevin.” 

10:22am: Henry’s been struggling to open a 5 Hour Energy with one hand while he’s driving for a solid 7 minutes now because he knows better than to ask me for help. 

11:30am: Listening to Deftones’ “Adrenaline” album super loud and having intense flashbacks of driving around in my ’95 Eagle Talon with Heather the Ken, in the middle of the night, getting pulled over like 87 times during the summer of ’98 (and NO TICKETS until that fall when I dyed my blond hair brown).

Henry is never amused by my stories of yore. 

12:09pm: Henry, trying to make conversation, just pointed out my window and said, “Look, that guy just got pulled over in the middle of nowhere.”

“Yeah but, we’re on a major highway that goes right past that road, so it’s not really the middle of nowhere,” I argued. 

“Well, this highway doesn’t go down there, so it is like the middle of nowhere…” #defensive

“Henry, literally three cars just drove past that road while he was getting pulled over.”


12:30pm: Leaving a rest area in Milan, OH, I tried to do my signature “pull the door shut on Henry” and he hoarsely whispered, “STOP THERE ARE PPL BEHIND ME!” and then attempted to run me into a garbage can, making us look like the most bumbling, slapstick domestic abuse reenactors. 

Then in the parking lot, he said, “That guy looks like Will from Emarosa” and he really didn’t at all so I made sure to convey that sentiment to Henry as inconsiderately and obnoxiously as possible so now he’s bitching about how he forgot that I know everything. 

Le duh. 

1:16pm: Juat rolled up to Cosmos Diner in Dover, OH. We’ll see how this goes. 

There is an extremely gravely-voiced waitress here and some older truck driver said hello to her as she passed his table. 

“you don’t know who I am, do you?” He asked. 

“sure do, you’re Tom Servos. I see you on Facebook all the time!” she said. 

“then why don’t you just friend me?” he asked. 

OH SHIT, Tom Servos: Creeper Shamer Extraodinaire. 

Shovel that coleslaw in, Henry. 

Tom’s paying now and the waitress said, “Next time I see you on Facebook, I’m gonna ADD YA and ya better say YES!” and his wife mumbled, “He accepts everyone.”

2:25pm: well guys it happened. I FOUND TOM ON FACEBOOK. 

First, I wasn’t so sure if it was him because his profile picture is just a picture of an 18-wheeler but then I found his MOM and yeah, it’s definitely him. So satisfying. 

Henry is horrified. 

3:19pm: At a rest stop in Indiana and Henry is about to write a letter to Congress regarding the astronomical price of bottles water and I’m like “Maybe that’s to purposely deter people from buying bottled water?!” And then he was going to get a milkshake but changed his mind. 

“Ew why would you get a milkshake from there though?” I asked, totally looking down my judgy nose. 

“Because last time I checked, I can do what I want!” He cried. “I’m an adult!”


2:54pm: Just ranting as per uge about the NFL guy who knelt during the national anthem. “You know how much I hate football,” I yelled emphatically. “But I would BUY HIS JERSEY, HENRY. I would PROUDLY wear that guy’s name on my back. That POOR FUCKING GUY.”

“Well, he’s not ‘poor’….” Henry mumbled, tryna ruin my moment. 

3:18pm: Still in Indiana. One of these days, we’ll just do the unthinkable and FLY to Chicago and it’ll be great! Except for the part where I’m scared to death of airplanes, post 9/11. 

3:31pm: We’re near Gary, IN and Chooch used to be obsessed with that place because of something to do with school or whatever, blah blah, but now it’s making me MISS HIM even more. I’m going to really miss him tomorrow night during Pierce the Veil. :(

3:50pm (TIME CHANGE): you guys just missed the most exciting moment of this drive: we were paying at a toll thing and Henry was like “what the—” and realized after we drove off that he was OVERCHARGED. 

“I was charged for a 5 AXLE!” he yelled, trying to brag with his TRUCKING LINGO. Apparently the truck in front of us went thru with an Easy Pass and we somehow picked up his toll. 

So then Henry had me call the number on the receipt for him and then acted all put out, like I should be the one doing the talking, but hello they were asking him questions like “what direction are you headed” and “what highway are you on” and “what exit did you take?” and “what is the make of your car?”


Anyway, Henry came at Nancy the Operator with extreme politeness, as if this is the way to get shit done now suddenly? He even killed her with some of his patented “hyuk hyuk hyuk”s and I was dying, especially when he was struggling to remove my phone from the gigantic Unicorn Tears case. 

So now Happy Hank is getting his $3 refund! And he didn’t even have to call Nancy a cunt–not even once under his breath!

5:06pm: we’ve arrived at that same piece of shit “hotel” we stay at every Riot Fest on Mannheim Rd (what’s up with Camryn Mannheim these days?), except now it’s changed to a Motel 6. “It looks like they got rid of the riffraff, though,” Henry said when he came back with our room key. “I don’t think anyone lives here anymore, at least.”

The room is just one step up from a cinderblock cell, but for as much time we’ll be spending here, who the hell cares. 

5:54pm: We were talking about going to some nearby tiki bar that’s like famous I guess but someone left her license at home in Pittsburgh. 

6:07pm: Henry flew into O’Hare once when HE WAS IN THE SERVICE. 

Henry just yelled,”We’re here for one reason only and it’s not sightseeing in Chicago!!!” WHOA. 

6:18pm: At Giordano’s acting like it’s our first time in a restaurant, ever. Passed some girl on the way in and she was excited about my Pierce the Veil shirt. She was like 13. 

Maybe younger. 


Henry: What?!


6:43pm: one of the busboys here looks just like Kris Letang! Until he turns around and is Mexican. 

7:14pm: OMG OMG OMG – I was struggling  to cut my pizza into bite-sized pieces (have you seen me use utensils? Not pretty) when I accidentally sent a chunk of pizza soaring through the air. It landed on the floor next to our booth and it was like time stood still; I was hoping to kick it back under the table before anyone saw but Kris Letang was walking by and, in a faux-chide, pointed to it and asked, “What is this?!”  I was like “uhhhhh” and he started laughing and cleaned it up for me. “I’m still learning how to cut things,” I said, my face getting all hot because that guy was SO CUTE. He just laughed and said, “it’s ok!” Like I was joking but I wasn’t. 

“You’re so dumb,” Henry sighed. 


7:45pm: Obligatory trip to Target to buy all the things we forgot to pack. :/ #hemorrhagingmoney

8:10pm: Tried to entice Henry with a trip to the World’s Largest Laundromat which is 6 miles away and relevant to his domestic interests, but this apparently falls under the “sightseeing” category and my suggestion has been rejected. 

9:48pm: Watching Blair Witch in our no-frills hotel room. 

Me: “Do you think the Blair Witch is real?”

Henry: “Nope.”

DISAGREE. I’m the Blair Witch, motherfucker. 

Maybe I should have asked Mexican Kris Letang when he was getting off work and gone out with him. LE SIGH. 


[ETA: Next morning: i passed out immediately after Blair Witch was over, which leads me to believe that Henry drugged me so I’d stop bitching about him not wanting to do anything touristy.]

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