Nov 152016

Really living it up on my day off. First, some engaging Dr Oz programming about artificial sweetener and now the View?! Life is rich.

See also: Judy’s here.


Long before I knew I was going to Cleveland last Thursday, I had requested off work for the following Friday because it was Veteran’s Day and Chooch didn’t have school. I figured by doing this, we wouldn’t have to worry about getting Henry’s mom Judy to babysit.

But then we ended up going to Cleveland the night before, so we had to ask Judy to babysit for us anyway. The plan was to take her home once we got back that night, but the show turned out to be a late one and we didn’t get back until after 2:30. And since we’re a one-car fam (how vintage of us), that meant I wouldn’t have a way to take Judy home in the morning.

So basically what I’m trying to say here is that Judy wound up having to babysit Chooch and me on Friday.

And it was brutal.

Penelope shared the same stunned visage all day.

Don’t get me wrong – I really like Henry’s mom a lot! She is really super awesome. But you guys, the daytime TV. Judy and talk shows are like a package deal.

First thing in the morning, Chooch and I went for a walk to CVS because I needed saline solution. I mean, it could have waited, but you know. Chooch treated me with a political rant the whole way there. It really got me fired up. If we had the car, maybe we’d have gone to find a protest. :(

I told Chooch we were going to get ice cream later with Chris and Monica and he cheered so hard it gave me a jolt.

“It’s funny how most of your friends are adults,” I said.

“Yeah,” Chooch replied. “And it’s funny how most of your friends are ghosts.”

I don’t even know what that means?!

Came back home and hung out with Judy. We drank coffee and talked about AMERICA and then she went back to Dr. Oz while I looked at pictures of Balance and Composure on my phone and sent Henry a series of 911 texts.

9:08AM marked my first “When will you be home?” text of the day.

And then 11:33AM, while those loud broads from The View were caterwauling through my living room, it was “Are you almost done?”

I made it through Dr. Oz, but this was just too much.

So I went for my second walk of the day.

PICTURE FROM MY WALK. I was gone for an hour.

Access Hollywood was on when I came back. This was how I learned that Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden last year?! HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?! Oh yeah, because my death row pen pal didn’t renew my Us Weekly subscription, ugh.

1:36pm: “Did you leave yet?”

No response, so I suggested that, “HEY CHOOCH LET’S CLEAN YOUR ROOOOOM!”


We busted our asses, you guys! I even cleaned parts of my room too! I hung up clothes!

To sweeten the pot, I suggested that Chooch pick which record to listen to while cleaning. He chose Panic! at the Disco, and when the record ended, he wanted to listen to it again. I wanted to listen to either Balance & Composure or Phil Collins, so we COMPROMISED and are now listening to the latest Dance Gavin Dance record.

I think this is what you people would call GROWING UP.

It was a UUUUGE moment.


This picture has been in Chooch’s room since 2006 and serves as a beautiful memory of that time Henry gave himself a haircut and I dubbed him Forest.


This corner of his room wasn’t even messy, but he somehow forgot that it existed and became super interested in putting the “butt” in “butterfly” chair and grabbed a book to read.

2:06pm: “Are you done yet?”

Eventually, there was nothing left to clean (LOL there’s always something to clean but Chooch and I have our own version of cleaning in which we stop quarter of the way in), so we went back downstairs just in time for like Dr. Phil or something, why are there so many doctors on daytime TV!?

2:35pm: “Hurry.”

Chooch wanted to go outside, but, out of desperation to keep him there with me, I shouted, “IT’S RAINING!”

So he stuck his head out of the door and said, “It’s not raining, you liar!”

I understood his tone and knew he was just being playful, but Judy flipped her shit and started yelling at him for talking to his mother that way and I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE.

2:49pm: “OMG they’re fighting pleaaaaaaaase HURRY. PLEASE.”

And that little son of a bitch LEFT ME and went outside, while Judy was still bitching about how kids have no respect anymore?!


2:55pm: “She just called Sara Gilbert a ‘he.'”

After Judy quieted down, I was just getting ready to numb my intelligence enough to be able to sit through Dr. Phil because I figured a third neighborhood stroll might come off as RUDE, when Judy realized that today’s program was about kids and heroin, so she said, “Oh, I can’t watch this shit, put on channel 8.”

So I turned the channel and it was STEVE HARVEY. Do you even know who much I can’t fucking stand that guy?!


When Henry came home an hour later, he found me laying on my sort of, partially-made bed, staring at the ceiling and he started laughing, which I didn’t appreciate.

The worst part was that my dumb work friends were telling me all the exciting things I was missing that day, like the toilets flushing with brown water and a Veteran’s Day parade going down the street by our building!! UGH.

Things I learned about Judy that day: She thinks Alicia Keys is so pretty no matter she wears and sometimes she watches the Voice just to see her (“I don’t listen to her music though,” she mumbled under her breath, followed by a “pffft”), she thinks Mariah Carey is a bitch, and she’d like to punch Angelina Jolie in the face. AMEN ON THAT LAST POINT, JUDE.


“My mom said you went on ‘a couple of walks’ today,” Henry laughed when he came back from taking Judy home. STFU, Henry.

Choose Your Words Carefully