my ambivalence tells me that my tweeting dayz may be numbered

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 12:34 It’s only a little concerning to me that my three year old knows the words to Pitbull’s “Hotel.” #
• 13: 46 Pretty sure Henry just tried to seductively eat a piece of bacon. The porn industry is not calling. #
• 18:36 Guess who just booked her first gallery show?!?! #
• 18:54 I can’t stop laughing like Pee Wee Herman. #
• 18:57 @awoodhick you mean I shouldn’t do that in the front yard anymore? #
• 19:00 @awoodhick give him a beer and send him down to Robin’s? #
• 22:09 Hay look @ the dumb! tweeting is the new queefing: Earth-shattering updates throughout the d.. bit.ly/1VefFC #
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• 11:21 On our way to the carnival of flea markets in Ohio, remembering how much I used to love Brand New’s “Deja Entendu.” #
• 11:23 Except Henry keeps not only pausing it but turning it down too (wtf?) so he can play boss on his cell phone. #
• 13:47 Oh holy shit, Henry, what did you bring me to? #
• 13:47 WHY ARE THERE PUPPIES HERE? I’ve been chanting “plz? Plz? Plz?” Henry is ignoring me. #
• 13:56 WAH I want a puppy!! Henry: “get rid of the cats.” Me: “No.” #
• 15:21 One of these days I’ll learn that flea markets and me just don’t get along. #
• 18:19 Henry just walked in on me mixing mashed potatoes & said, “who ever taught you how to hold a spoon??” before grabbing it from me. #
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• 12:04 On our way to Living Treasures. Hopefully my hand doesn’t become camel lunch again. #
• 13:23 Wish I had come here sans Chooch so that I could spend more than 10 seconds at each exhibit. And that’s when Chooch is being generous. #
• 13:24 Wtf is a collared peccary? #
• 13:30 I want a baby buffalo. Even if it means moving to some shitty prairie and wearing a bonnet. #
• 14:36 I feel uncomfortable when babies stare at me. #
• 15:08 I wish Henry was Russian. This sucks. #
• 15:35 2 hrs after leaving Living Treasures, Chooch goes, “I wanted to pet the rabbits. SHIT.” He just swigged my Life Cocktail: regret & disgust. #
• 16:11 I wonder what part of me Henry will break tonight. #
• 16:17 Me, disgustedly: “What’s THIS broad looking at?” Henry: “Well, 1st of all, she’s about nine.” #
• 19:26 Anyone want some smug insincerity? I’m putting it back on the market. #
• 21:56 Hay look @ the dumb! Westmoreland County Fair, Alright? Part 3 (shoot it dead): If you ever.. bit.ly/1p7b8z #
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• 00:34 Henry was just learning himself how to make me homemade skin care shit via some stupid show called She’s Crafty. He’s a good girlfriend. #
• 14:14 My son just told me I’m not fat, but I’m a bitch. #
• 21:47 Chooch is threatening to get me a Fresh Beat Band shirt. I birthed a cruel one. #
• 21:59 Hay look @ the dumb! Waiting.: The bus was late that day. Something about major roadways be.. bit.ly/1znrXU #
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• 10:47 I’m 99.9% sure Henry saved yardwork for today knowing it would rain. #
• 15:28 Please. Can someone make sure Miley Cyrus stops missing the shuttle to obscurity? #
• 15:57 Looking through picture frames at Goodwill and trying to not slice tendons. #
• 16:29 I wonder how long it took @awoodhick’s eyes to acclimate to the glare of my halo. #
• 23:06 I always feel better after a visit from Lisa. But then she leaves again and I’m like “wah.” #
• 23:09 @scottheisel I complete ly agree with this statement. #
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• 12:13 I can make ice cubes; I want the Perfect Brownie Pan!! #
• 16:16 Walking on a broken toe to post office because I’m too stubborn to drive. #
• 16:29 I hate my town. And that sour pussed bitch who just skulked past without returning my salutations is reason #325. Should move south. #
• 16:33 Though, maybe the way I drag my right foot deters passers-by. #
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• 08:37 Abraham Lincoln is haunting me. #
• 22:19 Hay look @ the dumb! Prudence Goosterjuice: If you ask her teachers, they will set their li.. bit.ly/13ZXDw #
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• 12:03 Fucking Real World finales kill me every time. #
• 15:47 Chooch is watching The Karate Kid but is fixated on Daniel’s bike. “Where the bike go? Where he taking his bike?” Frustrating questions. #
• 16:02 “Those damn bitch ass bullies jackass bad kids! I hate them!” Hopefully this means Chooch doesn’t have the bully gene. #
• 17:22 I never quite understood what “tousled bird mad girl” meant, but I think that’s how I feel right now. #
• 17:26 The Aviary pendant: bit.ly/2tqKds. #
• **
• 00:29 Henry’s ranting bc he’s already seen the “She’s Crafty” episode that’s on. “She talks to everyone like sh e wants to have sex with them!” #
• 00:30 Why can’t my boyfriend just watch porn after hrs like a normal dude? No, he has to learn how to fruit-up cigar boxes w/ polka dots & ribbon. #
• 09:07 Never had a cuddle addiction until Chooch came around. #

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