Sep 252009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:39 Henry, revealing his relationship secrets: “I know that if I tell you not to do it, you’ll do it. You’re like a child. You’re like Chooch.” #
  • 17:12 Well. Craigslist ad for washed-up stripper has been placed. Now the wait begins. #
  • 21:14 Henry: “you’re what we in the hair industry call a cunt.” #
  • ***
  • 12:34 Wishy washy fucking bitches. #
  • 20:42 Bloodshed. Trial. Jailtime. #3thingsthisrelationshipwontendwithout. #
  • 20:43 Water tower. #sceneofthecrime #
  • 21:32 Sometimes I really feel like I could stab a bitch over pie. In 99.9% cases, “Henry” can be substituted for “bitch.” #
  • 22:21 Who needs to go out when True Life: I’m Bi-Sexual is on? #
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  • 11:18 I could do without Henry’s True Life commentary. #
  • 11:22 @awoodhick you’re so predictable. Do you know what means, or do I need to explain it, like “contrad iction”? #
  • 12:35 Surprised my mom hasn’t turned her house into a hostel for protesters in preparation for the G20. Unless she has. Yeah, she probably has. #
  • 12:53 Henry washed the dishes for the 1st time in 8 mths & is acting like a paladin. He’s going to ride that train all weekend, I guarantee it. #
  • 16:03 Never again will I buy any type of device with a track ball. #
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  • 00:10 Happening now: Intellectual discourse with @awoodhick. Topic: porn. Surprising? No. #
  • 18:35 Somehow, Henry’s mom is convinced I want the As Seen On TV purse w/ 50000 compartments. If only to hold my collection of sperm specimen. #
  • 19:03 I wonder if, to join the American Pie Council, you have to excel at baking, or if being a champion pie eater will suffice. #
  • 19:06 If I could tone down the sex/murder/STD analogies, maybe I could have a future in food writing? #
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  • 11:45 I desperately need to know the best place to get pie in Cleveland. #
  • 18:27 It’s Albert Fish, ya’ll. bit.ly/TnxFN #
  • 19:33 Chooch may look like Henry, but he has my attitude. Not sure which is worse. #
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  • 00:03 My name is not Martha Stewart and I did not just bake delicious corn bread muffins. #
  • 00:04 I mean, I baked SOMETHING, but it’s not delicious by any stretch of the imagination. I even followed directions. #
  • 13:23 The commercial for Heel Tastic came on. I made a quick exit from the room. #
  • 17:21 @writeswithaleft a lotion to make human heels un-gnarly. #heelnasty #
  • 19:12 Almost barfed at Alisha’s. Now convinced that she poisoned me. #
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  • 11:56 I can’t love the environment enough to dangle from a bridge for it. Picking up a stray candybar wrapper off the street is as far as I go. #
  • 12:22 My asshole son learned the words to a Fresh Beat Band song just so he can smugly sing it in my horrified face. #
  • 12:29 At least the Pittsburgh media is spelling “protester” correctly on their websites now. Somebody remembered Spellcheck! #
  • 17:39 Need to find a way to get over my hatred of baking so that I can become the best baker in the world & have my own line of erotic spatulas. #
  • 22:12 Hay look @ the dumb! Lakemont revisited: You know that game, Roller Coaster Tycoon? The gam.. bit.ly/1SuMTv #
  • 23:05 Hates being taken literally. The only time that should happen is when I say I’m going to eat your face. Duh. #
  • ***
  • 10:47 Had the TV on mute and swore I saw a commercial for some religious mountain cult. Turns out it was just a spot for Snuggie For Kids. #
  • 10:49 Snuggies: Druid attire for the Millennium. #
  • 12:27 My son is going apeshit to Devil Wears Prada right now (the band, not the book/movie). Mommy proud. #
  • 12:42 Oh hold me back, Janna finally noticed my hair. #
  • 14:18 twitpic.com/iyqbm – munchkin revival. #
  • 16:30 I keep looking for my mom, gas-masked and clad in black, in all the protest footage. #g20 #getthefuckoutofmycity #
  • 18:13 About to explain to my child that if it weren’t for Michael Myers, he wouldn’t be here today. #
  • 20:18 I threw away the circulars before Henry read them and he’s pissed. Circulars are the closest thing to a newspaper he’ll read. #

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