Jan 262017
 

Need a little distraction? How about perusing my Etsy shop for some sick Valentines, man? Here’s a sampling, including a brand new Dahmer card for 2017! I know, I know, another Dahmer card!? He’s a hot commodity, what can I say.
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One time when I was in high school, I had this huge crush on this kid GREG who sat near me in some dumb class, Civics or something. I brought little treat bags in for everyone that year for Valentines Day, but I put extra special candy in Greg’s bag. And then some kid who’s a cop now sold me out in front of the whole class when he noticed that OMG GREG GOT BETTER CANDY THAN THE REST OF US! ERIN LOVES GREG!

Greg and I never made it out of the friend zone (in fact, we never even made it INTO the friend zone) but the moral of my story is that IT TOOK GUTS to give him that special bag of love candy.

I just really felt like getting that off my chest. Thanks, Etsy Description Box.

Anyway, this here is a card that illustrates the statement of pulse-racing February bravery. Perfect for that person you met in the true crime Amino app who makes your sick black heart flutter…or whatever sick black hearts do.

It comes with an envelope. Stick some special candy in it when no one’s looking!

Vintage Porn Stars sheet of Valentines

The sisters to the serial killer cards! One sheet consists of 6 perforated porn-y designs which you can tear off and pass out with wanton abandon. Terrorize your most vanilla pals with them!

Please note: if you purchase one of the multi-sheet bundles, you may mix and match these with the serial killer varieties. Thanks for looking!

These do NOT come with envelopes. These are meant to be handed out grade school-Valentine style! Have fun with them! Stick ’em in a g-string!

John Wayne Gacy Killer Clown valentine

Oh, sweet romance. And what better way to promote it than by using the mug of a disgusting serial killer clown who stuffed bodies beneath his floorboards? God, way to perpetuate stereotypes, John Wayne Gacy.

The inside includes a romantic little poem. Comes with an envelope so you can practice your stuffing techniques.

Jeffrey Dahmer Valentine Love Card Serial Killer

That time Jeffrey Dahmer rose from the dead in 2016, slipped up and Tinder-invited a young blood to “Netflix and kill?” So romantic!

The inside is blank – what you do with it is not my problem! Think of something to write and then change your mind 187 times just like when trying to choose something to watch on Netflix! Comes with an envelope too so you don’t have to make one out of toilet paper and honey.

Choose Your Words Carefully