I woke up Monday morning, started crying, and have cried every day since. Call it winter blues, the state of the nation, bi-polar downswing, Bigbang enlisting in the military…but shit’s been no fucking fun this week. Wendy came over to my desk on Thursday to say hi because we hadn’t seen each other all week, and my eyes promptly started squirting tears. She was like “……………” and then took me to lunch yesterday to talk.
It’s been so bad that I skipped a Mogwai concert on Wednesday. It’s dire straits when I skip a show because I’m that sad.
This happens. It’s life. After suffering through depression/mental fuckarows for most of my life, I eventually got to the point where I’m OK with telling people, “I AM HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS, PLEASE HELP ME.” I never used to ask for help before. But I do now, and I’m lucky that I have Henry and a slew of supportive friends who seamlessly swoop in and pick me up. Another thing I do is go for a walk and recite in my head all of the things worth living for.
Bipolar 101. It seems so basic, yet it’s so easy to skip over the fundamentals and go right for fetal position despondency! And for as inherently emo as I am, I DON’T WANT THAT. And no one who has to be AROUND me wants that, haha.
Wow, thanks for letting me get that shit off my dumb chest, Internet. Now here’s some things have been cheering me up lately.
- Little things to laugh about at work, which has been otherwise intolerable. For instance, yesterday #ughLou couldn’t stop sneezing and we were all collectively like UGH LOU. Finally, Ethan said very calmly, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were dead, you wouldn’t sneeze anymore.” I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at work. Nothing like a low-key death threat to lighten the mood!
- Watching Running Man episodes om YouTube and realizing that every so often, I can understand what’s being said without looking at the subtitles!
3. Patbingsu! We were originally going to go to some Korean restaurant in Beaver Falls but then Chooch and I had a fight (lol) and I didn’t want to be in the car with him for that long so I suggested instead that we just go to Sumi’s Cakery in Squirrel Hill and get some patbingsu so that’s what we did and it totally salvaged the day. While we were there, a small Lunar New Year parade happened so we got to watch that and it was really exciting! I love watching a lion throw lettuce!
4. The aforementioned lunch with Wendy yesterday. Not only did I have a lovely mock tuna sandwich at Umbrella Cafe, but we got to vent on each other about life and, you know, that thing running our country into the ground. She also let me talk about Korea which is basically all I want to do anymore (see also: Escapism, Alternate Reality, Diversion Tactics).
5. Designing more marquees! There are three that we’re planning on making: a cat head for Chooch’s room, my KPOP-or-GTFO lightbox, and a third one that I’m not mentioning yet in case it doesn’t work the way I want it to and then I’ll (oh girl) cry cry cry. The kpop marquee will be for the third floor neon dreamscape that Henry isn’t working fast enough to complete. It’s just that he isn’t seeing my vision yet. I’ve explained the toy dinosaur wall to him like a thousand times and each time, he acts he’s hearing it for the first time. I also don’t think he understands my plan to turn plastic jack-o-lanterns into hanging planters. Try to keep up, Henry-oppa. (I’ve also been calling him H-Bird lately too, because his last name is Robbins which is like robin which is a bird….He’s rejecting it though.)
I will leave you with a picture of Peen-Lop and a Bigbang video, because they’re giving me life.