PICTURE IT: Somewhere around 10:00 Saturday Night (but not 10:15). Chooch and I had recently finished our Kpop workout and were hanging out with Henry, eating ice cream (just plain American kinds, ugh) and watching some Korean variety shows, WHEN THERE CAME A KNOCK UPON THE DOOR. Cue Chooch and me screaming and running away like we were about to be raided (for what, having too many clowns?) while Henry calmly rose to see to the knocking. I just had this sinking feeling that it was Boots, or someone for Boots, OR MAYBE THE GAS MAN? Even though it’s been 7 years since we’ve been on sour terms with the gas company. I think I have PTSD, and door-knocking triggers me.
“It’s just Chris and Monica,” Henry sighed, at which point Chooch and I tentatively came back into the room, hearts still pounding, trying to laugh off our unfounded paranoia. (In their defense, they didn’t actually ambush us like a plain-clothed SWAT team. They texted me but I was in Korean mode and ignoring the non-Hangul transmissions on my phone.)
I feel like Henry probably flashed Chris and Monica his best, most penetrating HOSTAGE EYES every time I wasn’t looking, as if to say, “PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE LITTLE KOREA. SHE’S LIKE KIM JONG-UN UP IN HERE. I MADE MUNG BEAN PORRIDGE TODAY — MUNG BEAN PORRIDGE! I JUST WANT TO WATCH NCIS AND EAT A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER AND LISTEN TO THE MOTHERBITCHIN’ EAGLES, AMERICA, AMERICA, GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE!”
But they were just like, “Did you hear something? Why do I suddenly feel oppressed?” and I was all, “That was probably just the sound of the frightened patriarchy, hey let’s talk about kpop and our reproductive rights!”
Can you believe we haven’t seen Chronica since our Christmas party?! The horrors! So even though they were just passing through, it was still awesome to get to hang out for a bit, talking about boners (DON’T WORRY IT’S JUST LOCKER ROOM TALK) and what I eat on my K-diet.
Henry took the floor to brag about his K-cooking prowess (he even bought a pan that’s made in Korea), but then I chimed in that usually the only time I don’t eat a Korean meal is for breakfast during the week because I’m left to my own devices and mostly end up just eating a piece of bread.
“That’s so sad,” Chris said in a voice that could have been translated to mean, “Monica, let’s adopt Erin.”
They needed to leave by 10:30, so at 10:24 I cried, “WAIT! Before you leave, will you watch ONE, just ONE, BIGBANG video?” and they were like, “….yes, question mark question mark” at which point my brain nearly exploded trying to choose JUST ONE video, so I let Chooch do it and he cooly suggestion Fxxk It. So that’s what we watched while Chooch and I sniped at each other about who likes them more and then I squealed, “ISN’T G-DRAGON THE PRETTIEST PERON IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE” and Monica said that yes, she thought that maybe he was.
“Second to my wife,” she wisely added.
And then they left while they still knew some of the words to the Star Spangled Banner.