Mar 172017
 

  • I woke up the other night to a commotion that had Boots’ name written all over it. I sincerely thought he was back next door and my heart started racing. Should I call the police? Grab my battle ax? Weep quietly in the shower? But turns out it was just my asshole cats recreating the sounds of a construction site with their tiny but mighty bodies. Honestly, how are such small creatures so destructive? They pretty much knocked over anything in Chooch’s room that wasn’t bolted down, and even managed to move my desk chair. Granted, I didn’t actually SEE them doing this so it could have very well been a poltergeist or the Man in the Attic. But Drew looked really fucking guilty when I confronted her in the morning.

  • At Crazy Mocha the other day, the barista stared at me quietly after I placed my order and said, “Your hair almost blends right into your coat.” And then there was another pregnant pause while she gave my hair/coat combo another once-over before finally making my fucking latte, and I spent that time giving myself 7 chins while looking down to see what she was seeing. And that’s when I realized that SHE WAS RIGHT. My coat has tan faux-fur on it, but the coarse kind, like a lion’s mane, and it appears to be an extension of my hair. This made me kind of happy because I’m a Leo and I’ve been told before that I look like a lion so roar, motherfuckers. (I still think I look like a turtle though.)
    • Also, file this under Awkward Crazy Mocha Convos. I should just start a category for that on here because they happen so frequently.

  • Henry still takes an abundance of naps.
  • We’re going to Cleveland tomorrow for a succulent convention which is great except that I can’t bring any succulents into the house anymore (see first bullet point re: tiny bulldozers). However, I’m really excited because we’re probably going to go to Melt and I love Melt because do you know me? Grilled cheese would be my last meal if I was on death row. Also, Melt is ultra accommodating to vegetarians, OH WHICH I AM. I know it’s hard to remember all the things I am when I don’t hashtag my shit constantly. “There are only, like, two grilled cheeses on the menu that can’t be made vegetarian and guess what one is?!” I cried to Amber and Glenn. Glenn didn’t take the bait, but Amber said slowly, “Um….is it something Korean?” “YES it’s the KOREAN BBQ” I wailed. All of the other meat/chicken ones can be made with seitan or other soy-based meat substitutes SO WHY NOT THE KOREAN BBQ. Ugh, I just  know that’s what Henry is going to order, too.

  • I wore green today even though St. Patrick’s Day got no jams in my book. (THAT MEANS IT’S NO FUN FOR ME. #kpopslang)
  • OMG last week, Henry causally told me that he drove a school bus for a month in 1989!? And he never, until now, found that this was significant enough to tell me?! Anyway, the route he drove was through one of the worst neighborhoods in the city and he said it was awful, and luckily he got a different job and was able to quit. (Henry’s one of those Adults who never quits a job without having another one lined up – I have never once done that, lol. I’m like I QUIT and then I get home and it’s like OH FUCK.) Anyway, I couldn’t stop laughing about this. It was almost as funny as the time he told me he was a paperboy or when he mentioned that the apartment he had before he moved in with me had steps that went to the basement and I became so obsessed with this that I still crack up to this day when I think about it, LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW, and then he gets so angry because he doesn’t understand why it’s funny.
    • I’m not sure, either, actually. IT JUST IS. I remember writing about it on MYSPACE. So it must have had an impact on me.

  • My Korean textbooks finally arrived! Stupid Chooch opened the package while I was at work because he knew it would incense me AND HE WAS RIGHT. I’m going to start my studies on Sunday so DON’T FUCKING BOTHER ME.

  • I wore this pin to work on Thursday and had to say, “But don’t really, because I haven’t learned it yet” to everyone who read my pin. My goal is to be able to read and understand it enough to get by, but I do not have high aspirations to be able to actually speak it because I can barely speak English. This morning, in the kitchen at work, I was talking to Carrie and what I wanted to say was, “Did she know” but TWICE IN A ROW I said, “Did she knew.” DID SHE KNEW. And as I was saying it the first time, I tried to stop myself, I even held up a finger as though to say “let me try this again” so I started over and said the exact same thing again. Carrie very soothingly said, “It’s OK. I know what you were trying to say” and in my mind, I was playing a reel of all the instances where I could have suffered head injuries in my sleep because something is definitely happening to me. HENRY, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN MY FOOD.

  • I walked to Lotus Foods on my break yesterday and brought back a beautiful assortment for my work peeps (the adventurous ones, anyway). The preserved kumquats are  out of this world, you guys. Even Amber liked it and she might be one of my biggest skeptics (probably because she has witnessed me fuck with so many people). My personal favorite is the red bean taffy which I give everyone a disclaimer when they reach for it and usually that results in them dropping it and taking something else. But look – this is a candy that you have to work for. It starts out hard and plastic-y (Nate described it as tasting like grass in the beginning stages) but then once it begins to soften, that’s when that sweetly pungent red bean flavor fills your mouth. Nate thought it was “actually ok” and Glenn said he was surprised at how good it ended up being. But it warrants a quick explanation because I don’t want someone giving up after a second and wasting it!! I love red bean. I also exotic candy! There’s a middle eastern grocery store near my house that has a dazzling array of foreign candies and I might stop there this weekend and grab some to mix up the diversity of my jack o’lantern. I like interesting flavors, OK?!

  • Today’s Friday video was BIGBANG’s Sober, because I haven’t forced BIGBANG on my work friends in a few weeks. I lifted the ban and let Glenn watch it and he actually finished the whole thing and had nothing negative to say! But I mean, it’s BIGBANG and G-Dragon is a perfect angel baby and if I ever saw him in person, be ready to bury me. G-Dragon’s sweater in this video was the inspo for the blazer we made Chooch a few weeks ago. The more you know.

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Um, I don’t know what else. My life is just so fucking exciting. Maybe next week I’ll talk about the fucking Planned Parenthood protesters who impede my walk space every goddamn day when I’m on my lunch break because WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MY ROUTE?  Or I don’t know, what else do you want me to talk about. Leave one of those invisible ink comments.

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  4 Responses to “Friday Filler, Bullet Point Shiller”

  1. Omg! Can I send you the postage to send me some of those kumquat and red bean candies?!

  2. I have got to find some of those kumquat thingies! I looked on Amazon with no luck but I did find kumquat seeds and now I’m obsessed with the idea of planting them everywhere and just having a yard full of kumquat trees.It’s totally gonna happen.

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