Mar 282017
 

Chooch’s Instagram account is linked to mine because that kid breaks every phone he gets so whenever he wants to post or check out his feed, he has to do it on my phone. The downside to this, for me, is that when his friends get particularly chatty, my phone blows up with notifications. Last night, it was because Chooch is part of a group chat on Instagram with kids from school, & this is how I found out that David Bitchfucker (I wanted to include his full name but Henry was like ERIN!) planned on fighting Chooch’s buddy (we’ll call him….Jerry) today!!!

I got really upset about this because I like Jerry. He comes over every morning to retrieve Chooch and makes sure he gets to school in one piece, and you know, has his shoes on or whatever.

Things I should be doing.

Plus, dude is polite as shit and calls me MISS KELLY and not MRS ROBBINS which is false. 

Anyway, I talked to Chooch about it this morning and he was all, “It’s not going to happen. Jerry doesn’t even care” etc etc. 

So I was like OK IF JERRY DOESNT CARE THEN I DONT CARE. 

But then today at 4, the group message started blowing up again and this time it was because David Fuckercunt posted a video of him and Jerry fighting after school!!!

I got really upset and made Todd watch it (he’s Team Jerry too) and first he was like, “This isn’t too bad—-oh, shit. Damn! These kids are in fifth grade?!” And then I watched it and it wasn’t like totally barbaric—no blood or whatnot—but it still wasn’t pleasant and I got really upset, especially when I scrolled through Chooch’s feed and saw that some other kids were posting the video, like “oh my man David Twatflicker is litAF” — uh no he’s not, he’s a stupid little prick kid who probably has negligent parents because he also posted a video of himself blowing smoke out of his mouth. 

OK MOTHERFUCKER, YOURE 10. GO CLIMB A FUCKING MONKEY BAR. 

And this bitch-kid is all, “Yeah I whooped his ass” and I’m like “No, you knocked him over with your chunky body, sat on his chest, and slapped him in the face with the sleeves of your pink hoodie, you fucking knob.”

By the time henry picked me up, I was ENRAGED. I wanted to DO SOMETHING. 

My first plan was that I was going to beat him up. 

“No, I’ll just cyber bully him.”

Henry frowned. 

“NO ILL FIND HIS PARENTS. I WILL GO TALK TO THIS DELINQUENT’S PARENTS AND TELL THEM THEYRE DOING A HORRIBLE JOB AND THAT THEIR KID IS A PIECE OF SHIT.”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea. You’d get so fired up you wouldn’t be able to say anything and then you’d end up hitting someone. And then it would be you in a video on Instagram.”

OH OK VOICE OF REASON. 

You will be pleased to know that I reported the video from every one of my accounts (I have so many IG accounts, it’s almost like the LiveJournal days) and IG removed it! 

A small victory. 

Next, I considered showing the video to the principal (it’s still available in the private group chat that Chooch is a part of) but then Jerry will get in trouble too because that’s how shit works, and I don’t even know if Jerry wants me to get involved. OH WHAT TO DO. 

Henry keeps telling me to “stay out of it” and attempted to lock my phone up in a safe when I was going to comment on some other asshole’s IG account who posted the video with the caption “My man!” 

My comment was going to be, “DOESNT LOOK LIKE A MAN TO ME.”

And also “YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD.”

It’s hard to remember that these kids are in fifth grade when they’re parading around town like little cracker-thugs!!! 

YOU DONT WHAT IT EVEN MEANS TO BE LIT AF!!!!!! YOU ARE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, ASKING FOR PERMISSION TO TAKE A PISS, IDIOT. 

It just so happens that Henry and I will be at the school tomorrow morning anyway because Chooch’s class is doing some dance thing? I have no idea what I’m going to be watching but I think I heard Chooch toss around the word POLKA. So I’m going to hone in on David FutureDropOut and proceed to intimidate him with my MENACING GLARE. 

Oh and my favorite part of all this is that yesterday he posted some lame picture about loving God.  YEAH WELL GOD DOESNT LOVE YOU, DAVID DUMPSTEROFNEEDLES. 

I can’t tell if this is my MOM POWER coming out or just the standard ERIN RAGE, but I’m dwelling. That much I know.

Why can’t these kids just settle their shit with a civilized game of kai bai bo?!

Choose Your Words Carefully