안녕히 계세요, Chicago

So we’ve been in Chicago all weekend. I didn’t liveblog our drive here because it was boring, but now we’re leaving and I think I will keep my blog abreast of all actions because what else do I have to do other than talk Henry’s ear off about S.Korea. 

It’s 8:06am (Central time or whatever). We just checked out of the Chicago Loop Hotel (it was a decent headrest) and are now on the prowl for breakfast (for me: COFFEE). This trip was rife with highs and lows but mostly I’m sad to be leaving because there just isn’t ever enough time (read:money) to do everything we want to do in any city we visit. 

8:52am: We’re at Harvey’s in Hammond, IN and it is overflowing with local flavor. Two old guys are sitting at the counter, jawing each other’s ears off about the cost of eggs and toast, and the one guys doesn’t really like Chinese food that much and only eats it about once a month. I do like Chinese food and only eat it about 5 times a year, so…he’s all fired up about some Sheriff now and if CHOOCH KICKS ME UNDER THE TABLE ONE MORE TIME IM LEAVING HIM HERE TO BE HARVEYS NEW BUSBOY. 

Omg the one guy’s name is Chester. This rules. 

9:16am: This was the best (and cheapest) breakfast we’ve had on this trip yet. I had a veggie skillet and it was perfect and filling. And our waitress was so friendly! Hammond, Indiana is cool. 

Then Chooch and I started fighting because I took a picture of the front of the restaurant and he was all, “it’s just a regular restaurant!” in that belittling sneer-voice of his, so I yelled, “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO CRITICIZE ME” and henry was like, “Peace out, new residents of Hammond, Indiana” as he locked the car door on us and sped away into the horizon without us. 

10:58am: Wow long time no typey-type, blog-thang. We made a pit stop at the Carmelite Shrine in Hammond, IN after wanting to visit for the last three years when we’ve been out this way for Riot Fest but they’re only open on Sundays. This time Henry called ahead and was assured it would be open but it WASNT and long story short (this means I’ll regurgitate about 2900 words about it in a later blog post), I batted my eyes and got a friar to open it for us and it was better than I ever could have dreamt. 

So much more on this later. My heart is like swollen with religion right now. 

Right after, we stopped at a gas station and the car next to us was blasting old-school Chiodos and basically our Indiana experience has been pretty solid this morning. 

12:53pm: Switched back over to EST a bit ago apparently. Every time henry drives over the ripple strip (I call them ripple strips, not rumble strips, LAY OFF ME) I get that sped up THE END IS NIGH heartbeat and I’m not a fan. 

Meanwhile we’ve been listening to Hot Beat on Arirang Radio (Korean — this is what we did during the whole drive here on Friday) and the two DJs were doing this Korean-English skit and I feel like I know Korean so much more now. Sike. I only picked up on the words you, please, I’ll have, cafe, no, what, hello. 

That feeling when you need to learn how to learn. 

Sigh. 

2:20pm: We’ve been listening to BIGBANG for like the last hour because it always cycles back to BIGBANG in my household, which always leads to me asking Henry what his favorite BiGBANG song is to which he faithfully replies “I’m not sure” and then my follow-up question is always “Is it Cafe?” and he says no and then I ask him if he even likes that song at all and he shrugs and mumbles “It’s OK.” Ugh!!

Seeing them perform this song live is on my bucket list, please don’t let BIGBANG be done, dear Lord. I should have lit a fucking candle at that Carmelite Shrine place but HENRY didn’t have $3 on him, fuck. 

2:35pm: I’m trying to get Chooch to guest blog about all the injuries he sustained on this trip, from getting accidentally* smacked in the maw by Henry to falling down the steps at Trump Tower (oh, there’s so much to be said for that).

*Honestly with the way he backtalks us, we actually owed him that one. 

Henry tortures us by making us keep the windows down instead of “wasting gas” by using the A/C and I real like a slowly roasting turkey. It’s fucking hot today. 

3:13pm: Well here we are in Wauseon(???), Ohio at Ryan’s Restaurant which boasts a parking lot sparklin’ with motorcycles and that indescribable but recognizable stench of filthy food grease. Mm. Henry is obsessed with the fact that “there is a lot of traffic for such a small town.”

They also cater though in case you have a quilting bee that needs food. 

As a coleslaw connoisseur, I can say with confidence and authority that this is one of the most flavorless globs of cabbage I’ve ever tasted which was directly unproportional with the toe-curling bouquet of fermented farts when the waitress sent the cups clattering down on our table. 

Final review of Ryan’s: food was as expected and the service was superior – our waitress was so accommodating without us even asking for anything! I really liked her. She asked us if we went to the fair and we just blankly said no because ugh small talk. 

“Maybe that’s why there’s so much traffic…” Henry mused when she walked away. Omg get over it, Henry. 

4:03pm: We just drove past a house with a Confederate flag flapping grotesquely from the porch. “You can tell exactly where we are,” Henry said.

4:24pm: Henry is droning on about how you can get a $200 fine for passing a cop that’s pulled over on the side of the road and I was interested for a millisecond but then blocked him out because I’d rather hear “Island” by Winner and we’re not even to Toledo yet, please someone send a plane for me. 

4:56pm: Interesting rest stop. I asked for soy milk at Gloria Jeans and the girl cut me off to say, “We don’t have non-dairy here.” Like wow it’s 2017 but ok cool. Then when my banana bread latte was done, she put it on the counter without a single word and gave me this intensely hateful stare. Meanwhile, Henry was washing his hands in the bathroom next to a guy who blurted out STARBUCKS and Chooch wasted more money. 

Ugh so in case we’re ever meeting at a cafe and I’m not there yet and you decide to be a dear and order my drink for me, 90% of the time, I get a soy latte, no flavor, no sugar, etc. Just in case you needed to know. However, I decided to try this banana nut bread latte at Gloria Jeans because it said it was a new menu item and holy shit it was like drinking straight syrup and I feel like I actually might puke out the car window right now. Thank god I only got a small. 

6:27pm: Still two more fucking hours to go and I want to cry. Chooch is being such a royal douche and Henry keeps sneezing so now I probably have SARS or whatever the current viral trend is. I have too much to keep up with! Like kpop comebacks and antique wheelchair auctions on eBay. 

But Chooch just saw a Lamborghini so now he’s happy. 

7:04pm: In case you care, Henry & I just discussed Trump overturning DACA (just in case there was anyone left who needed convinced that he’s the Greatest American Villain) and also Taylor Swift getting booed by her fans for not kissing their asses while she was trying to live a normal life long enough to be a bridesmaid in her friend’s wedding. We keep it balanced. 

7:26pm: Listening to Good Morning, Seoul analyze American coverage of North Korea’s nuclearization and then Henry and Chooch choose this moment to start talking about dumb shit and I’m like ARE U FUCKING KIDDING STFU. Guys you can just go ahead and say it: the US President is a fucking dipshit who is going to tweet us into a brand new world war. 

I hope that when that happens, the rest of the world remembers that Trump did not win the popular vote. 

8:02pm: hey guys we’re still driving but I am here to give an important message regarding liveblogs. Let me back up. We ate breakfast at some Greek joint on Saturday and I mentioned that it reminded me of another place we ate breakfast at in another city but I couldn’t remember where. I eventually whittled the memory down to a time that Chooch wasn’t with us, and from there I deduced that it must have been when we went to Maryland last year to see the Cure. “oh I’ll just check my blog then,” I said. But there is NOTHING on my blog, and then I remembered it was because I didn’t liveblog our drive home because this was the day after my eyeball almost fell out at the Cure show. Funnily though, I never even took a picture of my food (WHAT KIND OF ALIEN HAD TAKEN OVER MY BODY?!) so there’s no geo-tag anywhere and we can’t find anything on Yelp and the only other hope is reactivating Facebook to see if I checked in or looking through our bank statements but….we don’t really care that much. MORAL: sometimes liveblogging has worth, you guys. 

Lol, just kidding. No it doesn’t. 

In other news, Chooch’s favorite part of this trip was “hard to say, I don’t know” and Henry’s was “I don’t know I’ll have to think about it nothing really stands out.”

That’s fine because my favorite part doesn’t include either one of those of milquetoast duds (yes duds not dudes): it was the Taeyang concert! So so so good. 

8:44pm: Well we’re home now and I’ll tell you what’s really awesome is pulling onto the street and seeing a cop in front of our house and FUCKING PANICKING and then finding out that OUR NUTSO NEIGHBOR CALLED THE POLICE BECAUSE A CAR IS VERY MINUTELY BLOCKING THE DRIVEWAY. 

Now Henry is white knighting the neighbor who called the police because we should be happy that “someone is looking out” and I’m like SHE ISNT LOOKING OUT FOR ANYONE SHE JUST WANTS A REASON TO COMPLAIN. 

Welcome back to Brookline.