So this is it, the first haunted house review of 2017. So this place was about an hour away, and GOD was I bored. We got there but it ended up being the wrong place, it was some redneck festival or some kind of derby. We don’t know that for sure but the amount of middle-aged men and women in camo jackets and bandannas covering their bald head was immense. The actual haunted house was down the street a little more.
So we finally arrived at the actual haunted house and not some stupid festival. The place was somewhat crowded but yet again not really. It was also very frigid, but thankfully they had fires. Oh and also this photo was taken right after I saw this little witch and said,
“Don’t even ask-,”
“Go stand over there and I’ll take a picture.”
“Well, I expected this.”
We eventually got our tickets, after the ticket people asked why only two, so I said with no hesitation ,
“Because he is too scared,”
Then one of them asked, “Why are you too scared?”
“I’m not scared,” Dad groawled (my new word for groaning and growling at the same time)
Example: The tone of every word Henry Robbins says.
We got in and I instantly ran to the fire and warmed up.
We were bored and mom made me get a picture with her even though I was still warming up by the fire, oh and also we were waiting because the present hay-ride was crowded and we wanted space to ourselves so we waited till it left, and we were also waiting for it to get darker out. Somehow it got super dark in like 30 minutes, and I was confused how I didn’t see the night getting dimmer.
I asked daddy to be the killer because he has a beer-belly in real life and in the cutout, and also because daddy is a country man with a chainsaw.
We got on the hay-ride sooner or later, but it took forever because I guess the first one didn’t go until it was super dark out, and then while we were on the next one we had to wait for the first one to go through the whole thing just so we can get all of the people because while we were on, most of the guys followed us forever. While we were waiting, this dude was driving some like tractor thing with a coffin on the back of it and then some lady was like,
“Oh that’s a coffin ride, you pay $5 per person to ride in the coffin, and he takes you to the little cemetery and you get your picture taken.”
Then some lady said, “Oooooh, we have to do that! We have to do that after this, we are going to do it, right???”
The lady was way too stoked I thought maybe she was gonna push everyone out of the way to be first in line for it because she kept saying how fun it sounded and how she was going to do it.
So after like 20-30 minutes we finally started to go and move forward. We saw the fake cemetery that you drive past in the coffin. I thought it was real and you go a pretty far distance but, no. Also it was a pretty long while until the first guy approached us, and of course it was a fun house/show, but it wasn’t a clown like you would suspect, no it was a ring master type guy, he wore mostly all black with white stripes on most of what he was wearing. He also had white face paint with black eye shadow and outline around his mouth. Then some psycho patient guy was climbing on all of the bars and poles on the trailer and he was getting in everyone’s face and business. Then I saw Freddy, of course because he is a very popular choice at haunted houses, he started climbing and doing weird gymnastic type stuff all of the tractor and I could of sworn he was going to fall and break a leg or something, but no. He also jumped onto a hearse and started riding on top of it while it was moving, and it was some crazy stuff.
During the hay-ride, I didn’t want all of the monsters to stay all over me, so I told all of them that my mom was making fun of them even though she wasn’t.
Then, there were these chainsaw guys who made me cringe because they had they saws pressed against the bars and it was making a screeching sound and it started to vibrate the whole floor of the tractor, and he did it right next to me!
Then we came to a stop and we got off. Now we had to separate into 2 groups, I guess 5 to 5. We ended up with the two ladies who were talking about the coffin ride thingy. They were fine, they weren’t annoying. We had to go through a corn maze which was really simple and boring because the 1st group got every single chainsaw guy and we got through no problem what so ever. Then that was the end of the hay-ride/maze part. Now onto the actual haunted house! So mom and I went through by ourselves and she was like panicking and stuff and I held onto her so she didn’t get scared, but it made her even more scared because she kept asking if that was me holding her. Then every haunted house has to have a doll room, so we got into the doll room and the girl asked if we wanted to play and I said,
“Sure! What do you wanna play?”
Obviously, no one ever asked her what she wanted to play because most people run and scream. So she took a while to find something to play, and then she glanced at the dolls and then mum pulled me out of that room and I called,
“Sorry! Can’t play right now!”
Skipping ahead a little bit we got to one of those cushioned tunnel or in mum’s words, Birth Canal. Of course mum hates it so she zoomed through it while I fell behind.
She was running so fast that I had to keep up with her and then we caught up to the group that went in 10 minutes before us. Oh and she also kept going,
“What is THIS???”
“What is THAT???”
Then there was this weird hearse road thing and there were two hearses that were like crashed and trashed. Then some pig guy jumped at us and mum left me behind.
After all of that there was a slaughter house type thing where a pig looking butcher dude was staring at me and I said,
“I don’t approve of what you do for a living,”
Get it? I don’t like how he chops up, you know? No? Whatever.
Then there was this man with a cattle prod and he was snapping it constantly and it was creepy.
Then yet again with the cringe there were these chainsaw guys using the saw on metal again! And it was very CRINGY!
So those were all of the important parts of the Hay-Ride and Haunted House part of Valley of Terror that I could gather for you all today, but there is still one more thing I need to add.
This was taken in the coffin ride because mum and I chose to do it together because she refused to do it without me, definitely not the other way around….
So she thought it was just going to be a plain old boring ride in a fake coffin but there was a twist. It took forever basically and when we got to the cemetery the lights in the coffin turned off, and there was this weird lullaby or chant sang by these creepy kids, and then the base of the coffin shocked us, and also mum would not stop talking through the whole thing.
So there you go, those are all of the important details that I could possibly gather up for this post. See ya!