tweets: all the shit you never cared to know about the inside of my head

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 14:43 Today, Chooch discovered the glory of Roman Dirge & then made me apologize for giving him a kiss. Somehow, these are connected. #
• 23:53 I wish Jarome Iginla would ask me to prom. I’d even let him honk a boob every time he punctuated a sentence with an “eh.” #
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• 10:17 Nothing like a little kickboxing to simultaneously relieve stress and promote aggression. I want to pet a bunny and kick a hobo in tandem. #
• 10:18 So now, not only does the post office lose my packages, they steal the contents too. Fantastic system. #
• 10:59 In the past when I felt like this, I’d just have a party. Guess I should start perusing the Internet for a guest list. #
• 11:42 I love that Henry gives me choices & then chooses for me. That’s how I know I’m in a real relationship. #
• 13:18 Hay look @ the dumb! Franklin’s Bar, two years later: It’s hard to believe it&#.. bit.ly/3YoNFX #
• 14:52 It’s weird to know someone for over half your life, yet really not know them at all. I’m too old to keep holding on. #
• 15:13 For all your inappropriate Xmas card needs: noncomposcards.etsy.com
• 17:09 Swear I just heard Wolf Blitzer say “retarded” army general, instead of retired. #
• 18:18 Henry, about 2006: “That was a bad year.” Me: “Uh, that’s the year Chooch was born.” Henry: “That was a good year.” Remember that, Chooch. #
• 22:43 #Pens #Kings game just started and I already have a dancing WTF above my head. #
• 17:40 Hi Twitter. My mommy just called & complimented me. I nearly amputated a leg, but no – I wasn’t dreaming. #
• 19:04 I keep telling Chooch to get a life, and he just keeps sitting on the couch. Like, shouldn’t he have a job by now or something? #
• 19:22 If Chooch was a Horton in Salem, he’d wake up tmrw as an 18yo. Great, but then he’d also have amnesia & a prego gf who might be his sister. #
• 19:38 If anyone here uses flickr, add me! I’m bored over there: flickr.com/photos/rowdyruby. I’ll add you back & comment I promise! #
• 19:57 If my tears were ever discovered to be an antidote for zombie bites, just put on a jersey retirement special & I’ll fill a few chalices. #
• 19:58 What, aren’t antidotes stored in golden chalices? Beer steins? Don’t tell me cobwebbed mason jars. #
• 22:26 I refuse to read nursery rhymes to Chooch. He wants to know about Georgie Porgie, he can go out & buy himself some Hooked on Phonics. #
• 22:32 twitpic.com/okf12 – Henry’s speed reading it to him, but that’s mostly so no one will notice he can barely read. #
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• 13:35 I just speedbagged myself in the face. It was a refreshing wake-up but maybe next time I’ll just stick with a spritz of ice water. #
• 14:10 On the phone w/ Henry, he goes, “Ok gotta go, looks like Chooch is gonna fall off a pole.” I KNEW they’ve been going to strip clubs w/o me. #
• 18:28 I’m trying to eat my SOUP and Alisha won’t stop looking at me and laughing. Let me eat my SOUP! #
• 19:09 Alisha is obsessing over Thailand and keeps asking me questions, since I’ve recently emigrated from there. #
• 19:50 Alisha is dying for some blood cockles cooked with prik peppers. #
• 21:47 HENRY PUNCHED MY THIGH IM FILING FOR A PFA! Or buying a gun. HENRY PUNCHED MY THIGH IM BUYING A GUN! #
• 22:55 Oh Penguins, your power play unit makes me drowsy. Not that the Sharks was any more invigorating. #
• 23:58 3/4 of me wants to turn off this hockey game, but I’d feel so fairweathered. It’s devastating to watch, though. #
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• 00:44 TRAINWRECK. #
• 12:09 Henry: “Look at the palm tree.” Me: “Is it real?” Henry: “Yes, because palm trees are red and plastic.” #
• 12:17 Outback should give out commemorative tshirts w/ their awesome blossoms. “I just fought in a war & all I got was PTSD &a shitty onion thing.” #
• 12:29 We’re en route to Ligonier, PA. The last time I was here, Henry & I nearly fought to the death, but I guess that’s just like any day. #
• 16:19 If I lived in the countryside, I better have a long ass driveway. And a lantern. And a helicopter to get me to the city. #
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• 11:30 Hay look @ the dumb! Legwarmer’d Octopi: Recently, this really great girl named Barb.. bit.ly/2AeENS #
• 12:05 Um. I feel like Henry and I didn’t fight ONCE yesterday, but how can that be possible. #
• 14:24 Henry: “For all the things I do for you, you should just be on your knees all the time…..praying that I don’t leave you.” #
• 16:13 Can anyone spare $400? I need to buy a puppy. I mean, bills. I need to pay bills. #
• 17:23 Called Henry while he was at the store & tried to get him to say hi to our cat Marcy. He WOULD NOT & I’m outraged. #
• 22:13 GO BLACKHAWKS GO! #
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• 05:34 Things I Learn From Chooch @ 530am: He wants to hammer snakes to trees like picture frames. And mosquitoes are bitches. #
• 12:17 I hate that I catch myself humming mindlessly to the Fresh Beat Band. THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT THEY WANT. #
• 18:19 Why do I have to be the ring in which my kid tortures the cat. I’m about to throw a fit to get them to back the fuck out my space. SHIT. #
• 18:28 Me: “I hated Operation when I was a kid. I used to kick it & throw it against the wall.” Henry: “So you haven’t changed. At all.” #
• 19:11 Seriously hoping the #Pens don’t make me cry again tonight. #
• 19:26 Please let Chris Bourque score tonight. Hell, please let ANY Penguin score tonight. #
• 20:18 Billy Guerin is playing like a hooker with a chronically dry vagina. Must be so frustrating. #Pens #nhl #
• 21:31 If I hadn’t had a glass of wine, this latest #Pens blowout would hurt way more. #
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• 10:52 If I ever saw a real tornado, I’d pee my pants and push Henry into it. Then after that, I’d push him into the tornado. #
• 11:25 twitpic.com/p4a90 – Isn’t it pretty though, @skyspun?? #
• 14:41 When Henry asked him for a kiss, Chooch scoffed, “Guys don’t kiss!” O.o I didn’t teach him that. #
• 15:02 Yay, that’s me! RT @EtsysDarkSide: RT @grigiodesign feature of the week!somnambulant grigiodesign.blogspot.com/ #
• 17:05 Well, it only took 2 months, but I finally finished Alisha’s birthday present. Maybe now it can count as a Xmas present, too. #
• 18:55 Henry’s not interested in art because he doesn’t understand it. #
• 19:11 8 seconds into the #Caps game, and Semin scores. And then punches the glass in some little kid’s face. #
• 19:12 And as I was typing that last tweet, Islanders came right at Theodore with a retaliation. Fuck I love hockey. #
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• 00:09 As a coach, how do you stand there watching your team lose by EIGHT GOALS and not stick flaming bamboo spears into their assholes? #
• 11:49 I am not a factory. #
• 12:30 My son slept with a spatula and 12 cents last night. #
• 14:03 I can’t stop calling my kid Bitchy Luongo and when will he understand that bananas need more than 10 minutes to ripen. Get a life, Bitchy. #
• 14:12 twitpic.com/p95sf – “Jason [Voorhees] put a rope over that kid” Original drawing by an underroo’d Bitchy Luongo. #
• 14:48 I tried to cut Chooch’s hair but then had to stop because it was starting to look like he did it himself. #
• 16:50 My friend Lauren wrote on Henry’s wall in honor of Veteran’s Day, and I honest to god almost made myself puke from laughing so hard. #
• 17:16 Alisha, please hurry and get off the trolley so we can go have our taco orgasms. For real. And also because I have to pee. #
• 17:19 Alisha is precisely a minute late at this point. Rude. #
• 17:21 OMG walk a little slower, Alisha. #
• 19:31 I just had a delightful date with Al isha. Even the quail fetus dripping down my thumb was pleasant. #
• 19:48 Watching hockey should NOT make my fingertips numb. #
• 20:00 Fucking FINALLY! And that’s how a goal is scored! LET’S GO PENS!! No shutout for Brodeur! #nhl #pens #
• 22:07 I just ran all the way up a steep hill because rape paranoia set in. #
• 22:14 So the guys I thought were going to hogtie me? Turns out they’re very nice guys. happy ending! (But not THAT kind.) #
• 22:20 I could never be a streetwalker. Crossing that off the list RIGHT NOW. . #
• 23:16 I’ve never understood the phrase “dollars to donuts.” I’m maybe too dumb. #
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• 05:55 Today I’m learning to shoot a gun. Hope some Witnesses come calling. Also, I should probably get a gun. #
• 09:44 Someday I’ll tell the harrowing tale of my coffee foibles and how Alisha saved me with packs of Via. #
• 09:54 Don’t forget! Today is To Write Love On Her Arms Day bit.ly/3E6sOH #
• 12:10 I appreciate that people want me to learn of their Erin-centric anger via Facebook, but tweeting it will get the point across quicker. Duh. #
• 12:37 Chooch won’t let me write love on his arm because he hates love. #
• 13:00 Today Chooch’s name is Polka Dot Cuddles. He loves it about as much as any death row inmate would. #

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