Tweets: a really bad week

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.  

• 15:22 twitpic.com/pdvdn – Chooch wrote this on my arm, said it means “Mommy’s awesome.” Then he called me a bitch b4 I could coo. #
• 21:23 Me: “Here, watch The Wizard of Oz.” Chooch: “Is there gonna be blood in it?” No blood, no swearing – he’s going to hate this movie. #
• 23:16 Hay look @ the dumb! TWLOHA Day: My Story: I’m cheating and posting what I wrote for.. bit.ly/XjwWD #
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• 13:08 I’m going to see Thrice tomorrow. That should be enough to put me in a great mood all weekend, regardless of Henry’s plans. #
• 13:28 Walked outside and it smelled like the summer before 10th grade. Which is to say, like sex and grass. #
• 13:31 @awoodhick is that what that was? I thought you were just being careless with your hygiene again. #
• 14:34 In case anyone was wondering what Henry listens to while he cleans – totally Paramore. #
• 19:45 Never thought I’d be so happy to see the number 71. #
• 20:34 I only constantly correct Henry’s grammar so that my son doesn’t grow up talking like he was a Walmart baby. #
• 21:41 I love this hockey game! It feels good, after the last 4 games, to not cringe the whole time. #pens #nhl #
• 22:09 #nhl .04 secs left, Guerin ties the game & I made my son cry w/ my joyous screaming. Sorry Chooch, at least it wasn’t as bad as June 12. #
• 23:18 I mean, if Henry won’t babysit my Fishville tank while I take a gin bath, what’s he going to do when we have KIDS? Oh shit, nevermind. #
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• 12:02 I have big plans for the Easy Bake frosting pen that someone is hopefully going to buy me soon. #
• 14:33 Remember when we kicked around dirt under the Death Tree in that cemetery? bit.ly/2Po1kb #
• 15:18 Who doesn’t want some Jeffrey Dahmer for Xmas? bit.ly/3TO7FV #
• 17:53 Why do I have a feeling that Travel Channel’s Meet the Natives is going to force me to pretend I’m not crying behind a pillow. #
• 18:39 HELLO IM AT A CONCERT WITH THE BIGGEST DICK EVE R. And no, it doesn’t feel good. #
• 18:40 He could have least worn a fitted flannel. #
• 19:02 Singer from Polar Bear Club just said Sidney Crosby’s his boy. I may be dumbz0rz but I’m gon’ go ahead & assume he’s LYING. #
• 19:27 Trying to explain the music world’s family trees to Henry is exhausting and fruitless. #
• 22:08 That was such a fantastic show until the end where I almost fought some scenester dick in a leather jacket IM NOT KIDDING. #
• 22:26 I was laughing & punched Henry’s shoulder real hard then screamed in pain. THAT my friends is why I didn’t try to punch the guy @ the show. #
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• 11:22 twitpic.com/prgiz – Who knew monsterfied Abe Lincolns would be so popular? I’ve made 3 by request so far. #
• 11:58 @mrsevils HOLLA!!!!! I’m gonna stitch the shit out of that, you just wait!! #
• 13:59 Some people make it terribly hard to care. #
• 14:02 Apparently, sending Henry a “911” text because Roller Coaster Kingdom has cheat software was not a good idea. #
• 14:43 Whoever invented the exercise mountain climbers can go on & suck a dick. I’d consider growing one just to have them suck mine. #
• 17:18 Just found a thread on some Sarah Connor Chronicles (wtf) where people I don’t know were talking about me & my blog. Dunno how to feel. #
• 17:22 @awoodhick LOLLERSKATES #
• 17:26 Sarah Connor Chronicles FORUM that should have said. I have no idea how my shitty blog could come up in convo, let alone have readers. #
• 17:27 @Would_You That stupid exercise is evil and makes me cry every time! BUT I AM NO QUITTER! #
• 17:30 “Unfriend” is Oxford Dictionary’s Word of the Year bit.ly/Qwbm8. Good, because I use this a lo-hahahahahaha-t. #
• 18:09 If I do things retardedly Henry gets irritated & does it for me. This is just 1 of the ways I successfully eke thru life doing very little. #
• 19:31 @leota tsccwiki.wetpaint.com/thread/3472822/-?offset=240&maxResults=20 so random!! you have to scroll down a bit to see it. #
• 20:40 Pens game, Chardonnay. I really don’t need muc h more than that. Maybe a new boyfriend. & a Mogwai. & 1595 other things I just thought of. #
• 21:43 I hope so badly that my neighbors think I’m having rough sex. #
• 21:58 I could look at Matt Cooke smile all the livelong day. Preferrably while eating a sandwich. #nhl #pens #
• 23:47 Hay look @ the dumb! Thrice @ Diesel: When tickets for Thrice went on sale over the summer,.. bit.ly/3GGEAS #
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• 13:19 I feel like I missed an important date yesterday. Like high tea with the Queen. Shit. #
• 15:18 Apparently I’m not supposed to laugh when Chooch calls his dad a bitch. #
• 15:37 According to the post on my Facebook wall, I just purchased a Sardine in Fishville. Thanks, Chooch. Just what mommy always wanted. #
• 15:55 One way to warm up super fast is by having some asshole knock a latte into your lap. #
• 20:10 I need to convince the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to detour thru my home so my neighbors can know what it’s like sharing walls w/ them. #
• 20:11 They should bring some jackhammers too. #
• 20:25 I spent a good 30 minutes pretending Chooch was pregnant & didn’t feel weird about it all. Then Henry made me stop. #
• 20:49 Facebook brings me dangerously close to old enemies. It should offer an “alley behind non-descript high school” application for fights. #
• 21:39 Henry’s favorite thing is sitting next to me while I’m working my way through a psycho-giddy fit & stealing peanuts off his plate. #
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• 00:44 Instead of taking my playful mood for what it’s worth, Henry is acting suspicious, says I have a sneaky vibe. OH WE’LL SEE. #
• 08:12 I mean, I knew my child was strange. But give him a fever & all I can do is sit here & gawk. #
• 09:16 I think my son just asked the cat out on a date. #
• 09:31 RUN TRISH!!! #
• 13:26 Attention @awoodhick. Plz come home soon, else your son & girl-thing could perish. Bring coffee and chocolate. Oh, & medicine. #
• 13:52 Who needs chicken noodle soup when you can cuddle up to “The Lost Boys,” right Chooch? Better than a Snuggie, too. #
• 16:17 I’m sitting here thinking about how much of a BITCH Chooch is while he’s sick & I can’t help but feel reminded of someone. Can’t place it #
• 19:17 I can hear Henry upstairs trying to give Chooch medicine & it sounds eerily like he’s attempting an exorcism with a hot poker. And losing. #
• 19:18 I can’t handle one tank in Fishville, yet I went ahead and bought a second one. Oh the parallels to my life. #
• 20:16 It seems that my name is Erin, and I poop in a boot. #
• 20:33 Ew. My child is certainly not too sick to sass. #
• 21:34 My grandma fell again. I’m trying not to freak out. #
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• 10:23 twitpic.com/q3v2c – Henry brought us breakfast. Chooch is using it to find new ways to be an asshole. #
• 12:50 Freaky Feature! Mary’s Treacle bit.ly/1EUFVo #EDT #etsy #
• 13:09 Wish my family would stop confusing Henry for a paramedic . #
• 13:49 Pretty sure @saucalisha has the ESP. #
• 16:45 I just scheduled something for 12/12; now I have a sinking suspicion that I already have something going on. Hope it’s not that gang bang! #
• 19:29 Just spent the past few minutes forcing my cat Willie to play w/ a Polly Pocket. The other cats are totally all “Better her than me.” #
• 19:32 twitpic.com/q5yih – She fucking loves it. #
• 21:31 “Crumbled in the 3rd” is an understatement. #pens #
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• 00:16 Called Henry & ;thru heaving sobs, told him I missed him. He hung up on me. (Probably has nothing to do w/ the fact that my tears were fake.) #
• 10:46 My sanity is fissuring. Please send cupcakes to repair. #
• 11:51 I wish I could wear something like this w/o looking like a complete asshole: Seduction in StripesSpecial Circus bit.ly/5ncxMS #
• 13:26 All I want to remember about this past week is Chooch laughing while watching “Jumanji” for the 1st time. #

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