Jan 102018
 

Yeah guys, hi. Hey. ‘Sup.

Remember a few days ago when I told you that Amber replaced our way outdated Golden Thumb Award with a Bob Ross Chia Pet? And that I greedily claimed it at our Monday meeting? Well, we got him all set up today and it was majorly team-building in that a third of the group GAVE ME BAD WATER MEASUREMENT ADVICE.

But let’s back up.

The Golden Thumb was something that our old supervisor handed out at our weekly meetings to the team member who excelled the week before. It was kind of a joke tbh, and Amber has wisely eschewed it for this new fun gimmick. It’s a new era!

Since Bob was in my possession, I got the party today by soaking him in water. Glenn was worried that we wouldn’t find something to soak him in and I was like “Hello, I have three empty plastic trick-or-treat pumpkins in my desk. I think we’ll be fine.”

So off I went down the hall and to the kitchen, gripping a plastic pumpkin in one hand and clutching Bob by the neck with the other. This likely did not look unusual to anyone who saw because, well, IT ME.

In the kitchen, I put Bob in the pumpkin, set the pumpkin in the sink, and then began to fill ‘er up. Debby came in. “Do I even want to ask?” she sighed, so I quickly gave her the run-down of how Bob Ross is the new member of the processor team, etc etc and she was like, “Wow.”

The second part of the process was the Soaking of the Seeds. The instructions said to add two teaspoons of seeds to 1/4 cup of water. PANIC. STRESS. A TEASPOON?! A QUARTER CUP?! How to measure?!?!?

“Just use a spoon,” Glenn said, and Todd supported this. Todd also happened to be going into the kitchen at the same time as me, so when I frantically held up a paper cup and cried, “HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH?!” he suggested “half.”

So I did “half.”

But then I went to Lauren on my way back to my desk for a second opinion.

“Um….I would dump out like an inch of that,” she said, squinting at the water line.

I feel like she probably cooks sometimes so she would know.

I dumped out an inch of water into the nearby water fountain.

After that, my assignment to stir occasionally for 30 minutes. It was daunting though because it looked like something gross and healthy that I would eat for lunch (like some kind of slimy earth porridge) so I had to be mindful not to put the spoon in my mouth.

Thirty minutes went by and while the seed mixture was definitely jellied and thicker than it was in the beginning, it didn’t spread very well on Bob’s head. Amber was getting angry because the seed-splooge kept sliding off and then LAUREN HAD THE NERVE TO SAY THAT SOMEONE MUST HAVE USED TOO MUCH WATER and I was like, “I ONLY DID WHAT YOU PEOPLE TOLD ME TO DO!” and then it turned into a thing and I can’t wait for when Bob’s fro doesn’t grow and everyone BLAMES ME. UGH.

(However, now I’m wondering if I don’t really know how much “an inch” is.)

Pictured above is Bob posin’ in front of one of two Glenn Galleries. Amber applied the chia-jizz as best as she could, so we’ll see what happens.

Hopefully we can replace Glenn in no time!

At one point during this Bob Ross gardening activity, I had slight deja vu. “Do I have a Bob Ross Glenn?” I asked no one in particular but then the real Glenn answered, “It’s hard to say. You made so many.”

Later, I checked out the display of Glenns (it’s like MoMA up in our department) and sure enough, there was Bob Ross Glenn.

“Yeah guys, he’s right under Jeffrey Dahmer Glenn!” I cried out but no one cared.

And then I just got depressed because the origin of those Glenns was basically the best thing I ever did here in the office. I totally fucking peaked in 2012. There’s no topping that. Ughhh.

Choose Your Words Carefully