A Note From This Tweeter: If you cannot grasp the concept of facetiousness, or if you feel you might literally stop breathing unless you correct my every spelling error, then perhaps you should not follow me. Because:

1. I do not have time or the care to reply to every douche bag and say “Dude, it was a joke.”
2. I do not have an editor to proof-read my tweets, nor do I need you, a stranger, to do it for me. Guess what?? I’m a HUMAN BEING sending TEXTS from a CELL PHONE. And sometimes I even do it when I’m DRUNK. Until someone starts the Twitter Gestapo, GET A FUCKING GRIP. This is Twitter not the motherfucking New Yorker.

Thank you. Proceed.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:45 I just scheduled something for 12/12; now I have a sinking suspicion that I already have something going on. Hope it’s not that gang bang! #
• 19:29 Just spent the past few minutes forcing my cat Willie to play w/ a Polly Pocket. The other cats are totally all “Better her than me.” #
• 19:32 twitpic.com/q5yih – She fucking loves it. #
• 21:31 “Crumbled in the 3rd” is an understatement. #pens #
• ***
• 00:16 Called Henry & ;thru heaving sobs, told him I missed him. He hung up on me. (Probably has nothing to do w/ the fact that my tears were fake.) #
• 10:46 My sanity is fissuring. Please send cupcakes to repair. #
• 11:51 I wish I could wear something like this w/o looking like a complete asshole: Seduction in StripesSpecial Circus bit.ly/5ncxMS #
• 13:26 All I want to remember about this past week is Chooch laughing while watching “Jumanji” for the 1st time. #
• 18:36 At Cracker Barrel with Alisha and I feel like our waitress keeps reminding me that I ordered a kids meal. Also, Alisha tried to abandon me. #
• 18:52 You know stress is getting to me when I can’t even finish a grilled cheese. #
• 21:45 I’m thankful for Alisha alerting me to bags of dutch apple pie pecans. They might not fix my crumbling family but they sure are tasty. #
• ***
• 11:09 Hay look @ the dumb! Freaky Feature! Mary&#8217 ;s Treacle: Have you ever laid awake in bed.. bit.ly/07575UE #
• 12:26 Don’t ever expect me to eat oatmeal made with WATER, My palate is way too refined for such hog slop! #
• 12:27 Plz, Santa? :( www.anthonygreenschildren.com/owlstore/ #
• 13:49 Henry:”Why do I want to give anything to Invisible Children? If I can’t see them, what good are they?” Those are the best kinds of children! #
• 14:36 Wow. I’m having chest pains and for a whole .5 seconds, Henry acted like he cared! #
• 14:51 So delighted that Chooch has made the whole house stink like the inside of his intestines. Want to come over? #
• 15:38 Spent a few riveting minutes with Chooch discussing whether or not Jason Voorhees poops. Chooch says no b/c clearly Jason lacks a butt. #
• 15:39 As for me, I’m undecided but plan to pen a research paper on this very topic. #doesjasonvoorheespoop #
• 18:08 Watching @daboogmang & @bed_in_revolt get married via webcam. Alisha and Henry are crying!! #
• 18:09 Actually, Henry’s eating peanuts and Alisha is ogling Jessi’s rack. #
• 19:40 Apple wine & pizza & #Penguins at Mark’s with Alisha. Nothing to complain about right now! (Until Alisha gets lippy with me.) #
• 19:47 Alisha told me she hates me, as a preemptive measure. And Mark thinks Sidney Crosby’s cute. #
• 20:31 Oh what I was just doing? Climbing a tall ladder onto a roof to break into Mark’s kitchen window. THATS RIGHT IM A HERO. Or burglar. #
• 20:32 Missed all but 2 minutes of the second period but my adrenaline high was worth it. #
• 20:34 Just so you know, that was the first time I climbed a ladder. Apparently Mark was more concerned about his Fiestaware than my bones. #
• 21:07 Melted chocolate on my chest, this is the best Saturday night I’ve had in aWHILE. #
• 21:09 Discussing with Mark who is the cutest Penguin. Too much wine turns me into one of “those girls” I guess. # (In the original tweet, I had the audacity to leave out the “of.” Thank god some poop smear caught it and proceeded to school me for the next 4 tweets!)
• 21:13 Mark to me: “I don’t think that makes you seasonal, that makes you bi.” #
• 22:05 The Penguins w on. Alisha and Mark missed every goal. I laughed in their faces. #
• 22:08 Me: “My boyfriend’s technically still married.” Mark:”That’s fine, if anyone’s going to hell, I fucked a priest.” #
• 22:24 I wonder what would have happened if I had to perform a tracheotomy tonight instead of climb onto a roof. #
• 22:33 Alisha looks sad when she watches Ghost Hunters. :( No really, I’m laughing. #
• 22:58 And if you’re Mark, you’d think that one of the last Harry Potter books would be perfect to shove down your pants. #
• 23:52 Glad there wasn’t a masked killer chasing me home, because I dropped my keys 4x before I got the door open. #
• ***
• 00:58 I wish Henry said, “Oh come in! I’m just taking a hot batch of cookies out of the oven!” everytime I came home. Failed a test. Got raped. #
• 01:38 I think it’s mighty rude that Henry left the room because I’m watching Degrassi. #
• 10:26 Had 1 of my recurring underwater nightmares, plus got an homage to Whoopi Goldberg inked on my thigh. That calls for consolation cupcakes. #
• 10:49 I get to visit my grandma in the hospital today. This is a very big deal. #
• 11:24 Pray that Henry’s not the only one you have to rely on in times of family trauma, unless u enjoy getting a pat on the back & nothing more. #
• 12:31 Today’s lesson: my family should steer clear of Vicodin. #
• 12:37 My grandma is telling us about the strip show that was performed in her hospital room last nigh t. She was in Hawaii two days ago. #
• 12:38 They WOULD make a good meatloaf in Hawaii. #
• 13:04 LOL @ Steelers. #
• 15:14 Chooch is telling everyone he wants a Jack in the box for Xmas. Not sure he realizes how gay those are. He’s going to be so disappointed. #
• 15:54 Hey, you know who makes a surly photographer’s assistant? That Henry fuck. #
• 21:09 I’m scoring pretty low at life today. #
• 21:21 Son, as far as I know, “bitch” is not replacing the period as a way to punctuate a sentence. So stop that shit, bitch. #
• 23:18 Hay look @ the dumb! What Bill & Jessi Look Like On a Computer Screen, with Elvis.: My awes.. bit.ly/07h8ugm #
• 23:29 Oh my god, who would pause TV to watch their cat follow an ant around the room — oh, shit. Nevermind. #
• ***
• 08:07 Oh shit, the morning radio DJs might talk abo ut hockey later? BUT WHAT ABOUT THE STEELERS. #
• 11:02 I can’t wait until it’s bye-bye Blackberry. #
• 12:53 Chooch to Henry: “I hate mommy because she doesn’t get me SHIT!” #
• 13:37 Yes, that @ladygaga sure is a music industry abomination. She writes her own songs and plays piano? THE AUDACITY!! #
• 16:54 No really, cardio when you’re sick is a great idea. I promise! You burn twice as many calories when your lungs collapse. #
• 18:14 I’d buy gingerbread deodorant. #
• 18:39 I wish I had a storm cellar in the backyard where Henry could go whenever he had to sneeze. #
• 20:01 Henry tried to get Chooch to trade out “bitch” for “puppy tails.” So now he just says “puppy tail bitch.” Getting the homeschool info now. #
• 20:24 Hay look @ the dumb! When hockey-watching begets heroism: The proposition of “Let&#82.. bit.ly/071c2K6 #
• 21:50 There is no reason why Miley Cyrus should ever be played at a hockey game. Unless they’re using her gaping maw for the goal. #nhl #pens #
• 22:08 Sorry Florida. You shouldn’t have any hockey teams anyway. #pens #
• ***
• 13:16 My friend Lisa said she can’t wait to move back to Pittsburgh, have kids, & maybe – MAYBE – let them be around Chooch. I laughed. #
• 13:48 My new phone came today. Perhaps later I’ll take the Blackberry out to a field & sledgehammer it. But 1st, acid bath! #suckadickblackberry #
• 15:40 Hey @awoodhick: your son is wanting to know what makes his weener big. Plz hurry home with your answer. #  (And thank god that same poop smear from above is on twitter and learned me about erections and how to be a good mother.)
• 17:54 I love how I get a new phone and @awoodhick ran off with it. #
• 19:24 Oh please hold – 19 clown cars just arrived. BAM. #
• 21:53 Apparently I’m a bitch when I have to learn something new. #
• ***
• 01:28 Watching NHL On the Fly makes me appreciate our local announcers. Some of them sound like they’re herniating over goals; my ears weep. #
• 09:56 I’m starting to get verifiably excited for thanksgiving. I hope everyone is in a good mood. And by that of course I mean well-medicated. #
• 10:12 In the short span of a minute, I burnt butter, started a small fire & seared my pinky. It was awe-notsomuch. #
• 14:52 I wish I wasn’t so ambivalent about my Etsy shop. I have so many pieces laying here, unlisted. Definitely over the pendants, too. #
• 21:41 I <3 how I scour online for the classiest pumpkin pie this side of Heaven only for Henry to come home w/ ingredients for something else. #
• 22:17 I never know what to do with myself once hockey games have ended. Oh look, there’s Henry. Guess I’ll just go punch him a lot. #
• 23:26 Bleeding from a fight; smeared it on Henry. He said “ew” but secretly he’s aroused. #
• ***
• 01:14 Meticulously planning the demise of my neighbors. I’m thinking of having a themed par ty where my guests act out my desires. #
• 10:06 This Chockafuckee High School marching band needs to learn the concept of “straight line.” Go home, fuck ups! #
• 10:17 I’d be so pissed if the only thing I was able to amount to in life was being on Sesame Street. #paradebullshit #
• 10:23 I’ m thankful for making it to 30 without going to jail. And Caller ID so I never have to answer a call from my aunt. #
• 11:12 Oh my sweetly spanked Mussolini – Stefano DiMera is going to be at the Pittsburgh holiday parade?! I’m so there. But probably not. #
• 12:09 OMFG dog harness hell!!!! #
• 12:25 Here to report that after exhausting the patience of the human race w/ my incompetence, I’ve moved on to the animal kingdom. #

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