May 172018

Rue the day I learned about alliteration in elementary school, my friends. Rue the motherfucking day.

Anyway, I got caught in two crazy spring downpours this week and neither of them are that exciting, no one melted or anything, but it was still kind of fun in a carefree, forget-all-your-worries-and-pretend-you’re-a-kid kind of way. We all need a good run in the rain, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

The first one happened on Mother’s Day. It had stormed really hard that morning but then the afternoon had shaped up to be a beautiful, sunny May day so I suggested (lol, j/k: demanded) that we take a family walk in Highland Park to honor my shitty mom-ness. There was little push-back from the guys of the house because they know better than to fuck with me on a holiday where I start out acting like I don’t care that they did nothing for me but then a quarter of the way through it, glass is shattering.

See also: Valentine’s Day, my birthday, Halloween, the other days in between.

Highland Park is really pretty but then there is a HUGE DISGUSTING WATER RESERVOIR THING in the middle of it and even though I know it’s there, it still catches me off guard every time and then Henry starts talking about filtering systems and other gross things and I’m like, “How many hobos piss in this tho, that’s why I don’t drink tap water” and he’s all, “Oh ho ho ho where do you think your bottled water comes from then” and I’m like THE FIJI FUCKING MOUNTAINS, DICKHEAD.

J/K, I drink the filtered tap water at work but sometimes we find like, silt in there and then we report it and the facilities lady is like, “THAT IS NORMAL. JUST DRINK IT. IT WON’T KILL YOU.”

Bitch then why am I typing this from my fucking coffin.

Halfway through our walk, the sky looked like this.


But Henry was all, “Don’t worry about it. My weatherman degree tells me that the storm is going to miss hitting us. We’re at the backend of it” and then all I could think about was the storm’s butt.



And then it started raining. Like RAINING. Like the hard pelting kind of rain that actually hurts your flesh. “Run!” Henry yelled and we turned and ran back to a nearby pavilion and you guys, it was so hilarious and fun and not just the fact that we were frolicking in the rain but WATCHING HENRY RUN! Oh god, Chooch and I were dying!

There were several joggers who passed by and Chooch kept yelling, “COME HERE WITH US! BE SAFE!” but then they would see Henry’s menacing and uninviting crossed-arm stance as he leaned against a picnic table, so they would be like, “Nah, it’s all good. We’d rather just drown out here, thanks.”

God, that was a fun Mother’s Day activity! Chooch thought it was hilarious because I was wearing a white shirt, but at least I had a cami on underneath it so I wasn’t trashing up the park with my obscene fashion.


On Wednesday, Henry and I dragged ourselves to the school for yet another one of those dumb concerts that Chooch insists on participating in. J/K, we do enjoy watching him sing with the chorus but the band, you guys. The band.

The theme was Sock Hop or something 1950s so all the girls had to wear poodle skirts or whatever. I think a bunch of moms got together and had poodle skirt craft night and I felt so blessed to have a son who only had to wear jeans and a white t-shirt, purchased an hour before the concert, thank you very much. Chooch was already at the school when we arrived, standing out front with his friend Sharyn, passing out the programs*. I noted immediately that Chooch was already sweating through his shirt, literally 20 minutes after putting it on, so that was cool.

*(The program is how I learned that my kid is secretary of the Chorus. “Did we know this?” I whispered to Henry. “I did,” he said with what might have been mistaken for…triumph? if Henry was actually capable of showing emotions. But he’s not, so maybe he has suppressing a burp or swallowing diamonds that he needed to hide from the Albanian mob.)

We sat down in the second row which was The Big Time for us because usually we hunker down in the very back. Actually, we had no choice but to sit there because it was the only two empty seats left. While Henry critiqued the poor program-printing (he always fixates on this), I eavesdropped on the family in front of us arguing about YANNY or LAUREL. I was obsessed with the mom (she was so pretty and cool and Asian) and realized that she’s my soul mate when I found out that she heard YANNY. (Henry heard LAUREL because he’s basic.)

There seemed to be A LOT of screaming babies in that cafeteria, more than usual, and they were FEEDING off each others’ wails. The baby behind me was doing this bizarre mogwai-gurgle that I was starting to suspect it had JUST BEEN BORN that day; it sounded so fresh from the womb.

I don’t know what’s worse though: crying babies or elementary school band?

This time  the show wasn’t so bad because the usual band director couldn’t be there and he is such a pompous jerk! The chorus teacher took over and did both parts of the spring program and sorry regular band teacher, but she did a much better job.

All the songs sounded like one long, drawn-out Christmas song to me though, until the very end when they played Love Me Tender and the lady behind me shouted, “OH, I KNOW THIS ONE!” Same, lady. Same.

Henry didn’t clap for them once.

And then the chorus came out and they all looked so cute! Chooch got to announce “Rock Around the Clock” and he enthusiastically said “Bill Haley and the Comets” with this weird hip-swivel and a bunch of people started laughing.

That’s my son, I whispered as I sunk down in my seat.

During the concert, it began to downpour. Like, possibly harder than the one we were caught in on Sunday. Henry only brought one umbrella and no way a family of three was going to fit under it. He kept telling us to just hang back and wait it out, but I was like, “BITCH I’M HUNGRY I’M GOING HOME” because I had barely eaten anything all day since I had to fast for the dumb wellness exam at work and then didn’t have any Cream of Wheat for lunch and I know what you’re thinking CAN’T SHE GO TO A STORE why yes, yes, I can! BUT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT SO I ATE RAINBOW GOLDFISH FOR LUNCH INSTEAD.

That’s the beauty of being an adult.

After a full minute of “waiting it out,” in the school lobby, Chooch & I were like SEEYA SUCKER & ran home with the only umbrella, leaving Henry there at the school umbrella-less, waiting out the rain, but joke’s on me because WHO WILL MAKE MY DINNER.

The best part is that the people at the school were probably like “Aw that’s nice, they must be coming back with the car to get their dad.” LOL NO.

We only live two-ish blocks from the school (I don’t understand how blocks work) but that rain was pelting down on us so hard that it was knocking us around! And the road was already flooding (seriously) so we were terrorized by cars flying through the road-lakes and I had white shoes on that are probably ruined now, j/k Henry will wash them haha.

The best part is that now it was Chooch’s turn to be the one in the white t-shirt.

Then Henry had the audacity to tell me to bring an umbrella up to him and I was like, “Are you kidding me? Put your big boy pants on and run home, tough guy!”

Then I told Henry to ask the vice principal for a ride home since they’re BBFs apparently (Henry had to talk to him a lot back when Chooch was the school menace in 4th grade, good riddance to THAT year) and then I got a FLOOD WARNING on my phone, so I told him to just float home like he’s on the Lazy River at Sandcastle (that’s a waterpark in Pittsburgh in case you don’t live here and think I’m getting lost in my dumb imagination again) and then Chooch and I were practically peeing our pants with laughter and it wouldn’t have mattered if we had because we were already drenched.

And then looked what washed ashore!

I was like, “ARE YOU MAD AT US” and he started to say something about how it’s just rain but I was already interrupting him to tell him to make our dinner.

And so he did. The end.

Choose Your Words Carefully

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